Don't make me waste my life. You know I believe in something.

August 1976 

Sometimes, I wish I had a gun. I would kill myself if I did.
Sometimes, I am really happy and I am glad that I didn't have a gun.
Sometimes, I wish I was being held by a man.
Sometimes, I am glad I am alone.

....................................................

I am alone.
No one is ever with me, though people are near me, I am still alone.
I am alone because no one knows how I feel.
No one will ever know how I feel.
No one is like me.
No one can be almost like me either.


....................................................

 August 23, 1976

Betsy is always going into my room and it makes me sick. She is always invading my privacy. She listens on the phone when I talk to my friends. It makes me sick. She doesn't live her own life. She always has to know about everything I do, or say.

I was talking on the phone with some boys and one of them said a bird threw up when it saw me.

Am I really that ugly? I don't think so.

....................................................

 August 24, 1976

I got my overalls today! They are so cute. They are just like Bob's. I think. I don't know if I want to ask Doug to the fair. I want to. Maybe I will ask him to help work at my mom and dad's booth with me. He is nice and I want to get to know him. I'm not going to rush into anything this year. I think I will wear my overalls and a pink blouse the first day of school.

....................................................

August 1976

I need you more
I need you now
I love you, baby.

Give me that smile
The one you first gave me
Give me that look
the one that I miss
Give me that vow, the one that you said you'd give me.
Let us be friends
For the rest of our lives.

I know now you menat nothing that you did.
It was all a fantasy, one that came from me.
I'll never be the same again until you say it's so.
That you'll never say another word again to me for that will be.

To Elton John-
I will never leave my thoughts alone until I see you there walking out the stage towards me. I don't care if you're old. Just give me the chance, the one I've always wanted. Give me the smile the one that I need.

....................................................

September 1976

Don't let me give up my life. You know I don't believe in nothing.
For if it is wrong, tell me before it's too late.
Don't let me give up my mind to something that'll hurt me for you know I believe in Love.
If you only will tell me why you want what it will do to me. I don't know how it's said, just take my hand and pull me back.
'cause, Darling, don't let me waste my life on stupid dreams, and live my life for senseless things.
Oh, Darling, don't make me give up my life for something wrong, that won't work out.
Tell me at once and I will go and seek my dreams.
Darling, don't make me waste my life. You know I believe in something.

=======================

Okay, I am not sure what it was that I was going on about. I think that the last two entries are songs - at least they seem to have repetition and "rhyming" (kind of...)

I had crushes on almost every boy that glanced at me - and that included Elton John. I had posters all over my room and would dream about him. I believed I would marry him one day. 

Over my own discomfort over how I tear into my sisters during this period of time, I decided to call them something else. I love my sisters. They are all totally unique individuals. I have wonderful relationships with each of them. I cannot imagine losing them. I thought very little of them growing up. The love I feel for each of them now is the polar opposite of how I express myself in my early teen years.

I understand that this journal is a slow starter - but this has some similar themes - similar to my earliest writings in my one-year-five-year diary. The boy crushes - expressing love and switching quickly from crush to crush. These journals add hormones and sexual awakenings and the will to act on my urges. 

Another theme that I see here is the self-reflection - knowing somehow that I am alone - and using the journals to process. I see depression, and suicidal ideation. I see confusion over the actions and reactions of others. I misinterpret many social interactions in junior high and high school. 

I was a very awkward person. I still am, but I care so much less now. What a relief to not care.