Saturday, March 26, 2011

I don't want to remember anything

December 15, 1987

I just don't care. It shouldn't matter. You'll be okay, Sue. Just don't care - it doesn't matter if Cris wants to fool around. If he does, it's his own problem - its's funny how I always write down what I think I should feel - it's like a subtle brain washing technique.

Julie called today, kind of accused me of giving Amy lice - jesus christ. She must have said "okee dokee" and "any who" about 60 times.

December 20, 1987

We had a party last night. My friends and Cris's. Eric and Colleen, Scott and Tracy - oh, and Keri too. They came besides - the only people who knew us both. Lisanne brought egg rolls. She freaked out as I did. I was talking to Lisa and David, they are back from Chicago. It was good to see them. Char came also. She was really scared. She has really gotten pretty gross. I wonder if she has always been like that. Peggie was here too. I wonder if Cris really has slept with her. She's always nice, but, you, know, it's like, I bet Cris feels her up every chance he gets and Lisanne too. Gross! He's like got three women at the same time. I am pretty well decided now on what to do. It's like - I really like Cris (he is talking on the phone right now with Lisanne) (funny how Keri and Lisanne make a better couple than Cris and Lisanne) (this seems like a father-son rivalry.)

Well anyways - Cris is okay, and all, but it is extremely gross and disgusting behavior how he sleeps with other women. I thought of a new year's resolution - not making love until my birthday. But then I like fucked Cris the other night. I wish I wouldn't get so excited - I guess I'll have to learn restraint. I wasn't going to go with Cris and the kids for Xmas eve at Eric and Colleen's but after talking to them, maybe I will. I've been getting back into the book "necessary losses". It is really good. I plan to go see Pat Mulvehill tomorrow. I hope he can help.

I feel pretty manipulated by Cris. It just isn't a good thing. He's saying things like, "if only you changed little things, I could be happy." He wants me to be better about spending money and keeping the house clean. What is he going to do? Think? And then today, he says, "God damn it, there is macaroni and cheese in the refrigerator - why don't you ever look? You told me to save it!" And then I make beets besides and he yells again, "Selfish! Why didn't you look, there are beans in the fridge! I guess you over-estimated your intelligence." What a manipulative bastard.

He's telling me that we could be good together now after all this pain and suffering and mind-fucking games we've been playing. I think it sucks! He's only doing it because I'm seriously considering ending it all. Then he has the gall to say that when I think about Sean or Russ in a sexual fantasy sort of way is just as bad as Cris fucking and romancing and telling other women that he loves them. BULLSHIT!

He thinks that every relationship between members of the opposite sex has sexual undertones. That every man thinks about every woman and vice-versa.

Well, then - that seems not a rule but an exception. It really pisses me off. Well what I'm thinking is that I should like get a bearing on myself - understand my insecurities, my values/morals, my hopes/desires, my dependency problems and get better. I will never be happy, no matter what, in a relationship with Cris while he is carrying on extramarital relationships - EVER - PERIOD.

If I get better, then I will be happy with myself, If Cris changes, maybe he will be part of my life - if he never changes, I will be happy to toss him to the hungry lionesses ready to devour him. And that's sad for Cris because I know he can never be happy behaving like that for any prolonged period. But I really need to look out for myself.. Hey, I can already feel the return of myself. I was worried that I could never regain those eight years I spent with Cris - but I know I am wrong. I will have something. I still know who I am - and I've been here since I was a child - I just hide below the surface.

December 21, 1987

I am at Powderhorn Park. I took the kids here to slide. They are having fun on the hockey rink right now. I went to see Pat today. I want to write down things I want to remember before I forget.
  • I might be really upset with my mother.
  • I want to relate to my parents like they were real people.
  • I am bad.
  • I am ashamed.
  • I stay in this bad relationship to hurt my mother (?).
  • I know it's rational to get out of this relationship but emotions keep me here.
  • Cris and I relate to each other as both parents and children.
I got home to the most unpleasant smell. Cris had burned his "sachet". I guess this means he doesn't love me anymore. Oh what a feeling. But I know burning doesn't mean a thing. It's scary to think he has been casting "spells" on me.

Oh well, good riddance.

Oh, I remember, Pat said I'm not ready to get rid of Cris yet, but I will. I wonder what it takes to be ready.

December 22, 1987

I am feeling anxiety. Cris said he hates me and will leave as soon as he is better (he has a cold). He also tells me I will never be a success - never have any money, or have a house. I tell myself this isn't true. But I will of course freak out if he leaves. But I know I will be okay. I have a plan of action.

1. Be calm
2. Look for work
3. Call about daycare
4. Call about Latchkey
5. Call your friends

I think I'll take the kids to the zoo today when I am done calling.

January 23, 1988

I haven't wanted to write anything in this journal. I don't want to remember anything. I don't want to whine or anything.

• • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

Wow, there it is. The end of my marriage. Finally. I let this torture draw out for 2-1/2 years. I tolerated Cris's affairs. I told myself he would change. He never has. He has had a series of relationships since the end of our marriage. Several long term relationships with women, quite similar to me. He likes his women vulnerable and dependent. He has cheated on every one of them.

Currently he lives with a woman, whom he calls his "wife" but he will never marry her. She drinks to pretend that Cris isn't sexually active with the girls whom he brings home to "photograph". He is a dirty old man. Once, one of my students said she had run into him at an Art Crawl. He had given her his card and asked her to call to schedule a photo shoot. To say I am creeped out is an understatment. Here is a link to his website. I am disgusted by his work. 

I know now that I could not leave Cris, nor ask him to leave because of my Asperger's need to not change. I like things to stay the same. Different is scary. I don't like changes in my routines. I am resentful and anxiety ridden when something unexpected arises. I like to eat the same things, drink my coffee with the same coffee creamer, drink the same soda, eat the same breakfast, leave home at the same time. drive the same way, routines make me safe. I do not like change.

I hate change so much - I could tolerate a party with my sham-husband - inviting his girlfriends to parade around one another and before me. I could tolerate being scolded about not reading labels on cans, or over-salting a hot dish, or breaking a cup or plate. Although, he could throw things across the room and shatter them - namely a plate filled with the over-salted hotdish. Sure it sounds funny now - but it was terrifying. I never lived with anyone violent before. 

My parents were kind, gentle and firm. They were fair. The punishment fit the crime. They tried to encourage us to be good people. Cris didn't have a horrible upbringing - but he resented his stepfather for replacing him at age 9. 

My adult children tell me that Cris still, to this day, still bad-mouths me. I have not even spoken to him since my grandson was born (that was almost 2 years ago.) His mother believes I have destroyed him. Trust me, he did that to himself. I feel nothing but shame for having stayed with him so long after discovering his unfaithfulness. Wait, I don't really feel anything for him. He is nothing to me. 

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