Friday, April 30, 2010


From my visual journal a set of images that relate to the therapy session Dr. Pat gave me.

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Knowing there is much to be discovered

June 22, 1987

Many, many thoughts, and a centering of energy. A focusing and searching inward. Knowing there is much to be discovered. Soul, the book I'm reading, speaks of soul. Feeling confident of your abilities and reactions. I've been thinking of skiing as a child. How I had soul. How I could ski any hill, jump any jump, survive any fall. There was a lack of fear and a great confidence. I remember describing the loss of my bravery as saying I had become aware of what dangers were inherent in the situation. I think now that they must have been bogeys - I saw something in myself that frightened me. I lost my nerve at the approximately same time as I began to smoke amrijuana.

Marijuana drained away my self-assurance that I was capable of achieving whatever I might want. It made me more paranoidally aware of injuries and the humiliations that I had not experienced before that time - even after being dragged 30 feet by some insane hooked ski-rope, screaming "Help me!" until I was rescued. I did not feel all that stupid. I survived unscathed, my pride and body mostly intact.

I even survived facial injury, sitting in the snow, vey young, fourth grade (so about nine), with a quickly expanding lump on my cheek - clutching my face and crying as T-bar upon T-bar of adults - supposedly responsible, caring adults passed me - not offering to help. At last someone aided me. But even after all that, I survived the bus ride home. Cindy let me rest my head on her shoulder as I drifted in and out of sleep. People pointing occassionally and making jokes, "Do you have a golf ball in your mouth?" or calling me "Chipmunk".

I remember my parents' surprise and concern on my arrival home. I looked for a long time at myself in the front room mirror, kneeling on the comforting, cushy couch - acquainting myself with my new face. I survived the terror of going to school with a tremendous black eye, the lump so large, I couldn't see out of it. And after weeks only the color went away, not the lump. My parents took me to Central Medical to have a plastic surgeon drain half of the pocket of fluid (I returned later for the rest) with a huge needle rammed up through my gum and into my cheek cavity. The doctor numbed the whole side of my face, telling me not to chew on my lips or else they might remain droppy. Me staring in disbelief at the thought.

But I made it through. I thought it was cool. I had soul - I wasn't afraid of skiing nor was I afraid of the T-bars which had caused the accident. Julie rode with me on the T-bar on our return to Trollhagen a month or so after the accident. After she rode with me, assuring me that I was fine, I was cured. I was never afraid of riding solo again.


I want to say more about this, but I feel pressured under my own deadline of one post a day. So maybe I will come back to this when I get a chance. Rules and routines! Where would I be without them!

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

My heart must be set on something before I'll accomplish it

June 18, 1987

Thinking and more thinking about life career. I seem to always want to please those around me - Doctor  for my Dad but I dropped out for Cris, (well, actually - my parents pulled me out on the advice of a crooked psychiatrist) Tailor for Halle, Media Artist for Bonita Wahl, High school teacher for Herb Grika. My God, where does it end?

I really must figure out what it is that I personally would like to accomplish in my life. In terms of realistic - not unattainable - but realistic - calculated risks.

Well, first off, I really like the natural sciences. I am interested in chemistry to some extent - like brain and body chemistry - and I am interested in biology - the biology of all things - well, mammals and especially in concern with reproduction and infant and early child life.

I am capable of achieving anything I set my heart after. I am aware of that at least. It's just that I really must have my heart set on something before I'll really accomplish anything. Will becoming a Pediatrician really satisfy my life career? If everyone should die would I still be interested?

Help! Help me! Sue, you must help yourself - you must not let anything sway you to one side or another.

Well, I did let someone sway me: My dad.

My father was a doctor. His specialty was Family Practice. His dad was a doctor, so was his uncle. He was a good and kind man. He loved my mother and me and my siblings more than anything else. He always told us so.

He often told me a story, of when he was in high school. He was confused and in love with my mother, but was unsure if what he was feeling was love (that sounds kind of Asperger's like doesn't it?) Well, anyway, he saw a psychologist, he always said his name, Dr. Kamman
(Thanks Aja, for remembering his name!). This man told my dad that there were only 9 things that were truly important in a relationship.

My dad told me these nine things over and over. Even though he had told the tale to me before, he would trot out the tale at every opportunity. To confirm a relationship was "good", to suggest that a relationship "might not be right", or trying to console a broken heart.

Nine things that you need in order to have a successful relationship...
Companionship: you must enjoy spending time with this person. You must have things in common.
Understanding: You must understand and accept the object of your affection, as they should understand and accept you.
Trust: This is a two-way street. You start with trust and you can only lose it. Once trust is loss, it is very difficult to earn back.
Honesty: Be honest and expect honesty from your partner.
Respect: Respect your partner. You must be of similar "taste".
Loyalty: Be loyal to one another, that is key, no cheating!
Affection: show it! and expect to be shown affection.
Tolerance: You must tolerate some differences from yourself in your partner.
Physical: Attraction and physical affection are vital to a successful relationship.
I suspect now, as an Aspergian, that my dad was one too. He probably was able to navigate life as successfully as he did because of these "rules" and my mother. My father supplied the rules that I used to grow up - at least until I was a teenager, and then again after my bone marrow transplant. I was thirty by then, and ready to listen to him again. 

When I told my dad I was considering returning to pre-med we had a long talk about the state of the medical field. He was greatly discouraging. He said that unless the U.S. reformed the way health care was parceled out, that the medical field was no place to stake your future. My dad would be pleased with the historic Health Care Reform Legislation that was enacted under Obama's Administration.

So, no pre-med for me. That was good. I would have made a crappy doctor. Using his advice, I applied to the University of MN, College of Art Education.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

I smiled as he talked

July 16, 1987

I went downtown yesterday on my way to Job Service so that I might find a job. I waited quite a while on the bench at 7-11 down the street. A garbage truck pulled up across the street, two big men got out of the truck both wearing white work gloves and preceded to dig in the garbage - they carried what they could find over to the truck and threw it in. They kept looking at me. I wondered why. They both climbed onto the back, signaling to the driver that it was OK to go and as they drove off they kept looking back at me.

A short while later, I noticed a red truck on the driveway where the garbage truck had stopped. I could not remember if the truck had been there earlier or if it had just arrived. I heard a funny buzzing like a kid's dirt bike and looked at the intersection. A man driving a lawnmower with a canopy cruised through and into the 7-11. Later, I saw him return from whence he came.

The man who had arrived at the bus stop at approximately the same time as I and who had been standing the whole time - looking for buses - decided it was time to sit down. Soon another woman joined us. I knew the bus would come soon now - she looked like she knew what she was doing. I again looked at my money - 2 quarters, one a little older than the other and 2 nickles. I had arranged them so all the heads were up and each at a slight angle to each other. I mixed them up again and as I was arranging them once more when the bus arrived.

I stood up as the two other people quickly formed a line. I decided to wait, seeing that on past experience, drivers don't usually stop at the head of the line, leaving everyone tense and nervous. I boarded the bus last.

At Lake Street, I looked up to discover that I was in an empty bus - not empty of people but empty of all those signs and advertisements you find in all buses. I remembered we were on a white bus - not one of the new white buses but a red one that had been painted white for whatever reason. Oh, so this is what these are like. It was like a zero-gravity chamber.

At the job service counter, I asked about what I ought to do - signed my name on a sheet of paper and began looking over the jobs available for the day in the microfiche.

Soon we were all called to our meeting to be oriented. The man who performed our orientation sounded like a game show host - he was so god-damned enthusiastic about the opportunities he had to offer - I smiled as he talked.

After filling out an application, everyone was assigned a counselor. I was the last one left in the room. The man I was stuck with was very, extremely rude. Not outright but I could sense it. I went back to the microfiche to look for an orderly job. Found one I was looking for and saw a different, nicer counselor who referred me to the job. I sent a cover letter and a resume this morning.

Later I went to the dentist with Aja. He almost killed me. Aja didn't have any cavities.

It seems that this is a laundry list of descriptions of the way My Asperger's presents itself.

I stare at people and wonder why they stare back. It never occurred to me that they stared back  because I stare at them. 

I play with small objects.
Arrange things, anything. Coins, toys, papers, small bits of lint. It is soothing to arrange and rearrange. When I was a child, my favorite pass time was building Lego houses for my bus babies (Fisher Price Little People - I call them bus babies - because they came in a bus...). I would build the same house again, over and over, with minor changes. Always the same. Sometimes I would build hospitals and hotels. Each would have the middle corridor and matching rooms and either a nurse's station (in the middle) or a check in counter (near the door). I love to play by arranging, and repositioning.

I mind read. My underdeveloped Theory of Mind (ToM) skills made me believe that I knew the intentions of of others. I knew the bus driver didn't stop at the head of the line because it amused him - a little game to play to make the day go by faster. Well, if I were a bus driver, that's what I would do. 

I stick to the edges. If I am in a group, I like to be on the edge. I prefer the front, so I can pretend there isn't anyone else. If I can't be in front, I like to stick to the edges of a group. In a line, I prefer to be first or last. If the line is very long, I will leave plenty of room between myself and the person in front of me, hoping the person behind me follows suit. I hate to be near people I don't know. I don't want them to touch me. It scares me. I avoid crowded places.

I am really rude. My rudeness brings out the worst in people. "The man I was stuck with was very, extremely rude." People I interact with, that I want something from - I am quick to judge. I immediately like or dislike people. I treat people who I immediately distrust/dislike as if they are the lowest order of life forms on earth. I am rude. I always thought it was THEM - not me. I am trying really hard to not be rude to people. It is extremely difficult. Sometimes something snaps inside me - the Aspergian - and I sneer at you, I roll my eyes, I discount your words, I wave you away with my hand.

I feel pain. Actually, I feel my whole body. Every part of it. All the time. I feel my clothes. I feel the hairs on the back of my neck. I feel my eyelids touch when I blink. I feel my insides, my bones, my muscles, my joints. I can pinpoint in my belly where the adrenalin enters my body. I feel when hormones are released that cause excitement, sadness, anxiety. All of my "emotions" are physical feelings. I used to have a high tolerance for pain when I trusted who was inflicting or caring for my pain, but at some point - I know I could look up the date - I stopped having any tolerance for pain. A sore thumb becomes all I think. Pain. I can't take pain.

Monday, April 26, 2010

Touching down into Minneapolis

June 16, 1987

Rounding the corner of the spaghetti junction in St. Paul, I overtake a vehicle from Michigan. A young family inhabits it. It is a red station wagon - newer model with a plastic storage compartment on the roof. I find these containers quite unusual - they seem to not be all that functional - providing only as much space as a truck might offer. The most unusual aspect is the apparent lack of clutter in the back of the cars - mainly station wagons - no piles upon piles of blankets and suitcases. I imagine the people who benefit most from these devices are those industrious and terribly organized individuals who prefer to travel with only the bare necessities and stopping at night in luxurious hotels and eating in only the finest restaurants.

Although it was only the beginning of a hint of twilight, this station wagon driven by the dark-haired, breaded man from Michigan had its lights on - no less it had its brights on! I overtook them, as I stated, on the curve - accelerating past them on the inside. The lanes opened up. I switched lanes gracefully and as I raced forward into the 55 mile per hour zone. I glanced into my rear view mirror to see the bright lights becoming smaller and closer together in the distance.

The sun was setting in an orange-yellow orb ahead on the highway. Touching down into Minneapolis. I gripped the steering wheel with most of the pressure on my palms. My head was held up - not resting on the head rest - I could hear the bones in my neck squeaking. I could move my eyes upward to the right and see my friends from Michigan gaining on me. They saw me and they wanted to stay close. I had a good two block lead on them as I sailed past the Snelling Avenue bridge.

As I neared the exit to Vadnais, I quickly glanced into the mirror. My heart jumped. They were right upon me. I quickly glanced over my shoulder to check the newly opened lane for obstacles and caught the eye of the woman from Michigan. Her children were sitting forward, arms on the back of the front seat, excited, no doubt, by the nearness of the setting sun.

I pulled into the free lane. The lane I knew would take me past the slower lanes to the left of me - faster than the car from Michigan. Around the top of the turn and quickly change lanes back into the middle. My lane would soon be exiting only into the University. Near that exit ramp, a car had been stopped by a state patrol. I glanced at my speedometer and was surprised by my correct speed.

Onto the bridge, University Hospital is glanced as I switch lanes once again into the new right lane. The bridge connecting the east and west banks of the university. Thoughts of Cris and I walking on it. He holding my hand. And thoughts of Char. As I near the Riverside exit, I see the Michigan car rounding the corner in my mirror. Still the only car with lights on. I smile seeing that I have not lost them. My exit comes up quickly and I search for another glimpse of my friends but they are lost, never to be seen again.

Saturday, June 13, 1987
Driving home from Bayport


I remembered this entry. It started a new book off with a bang. I thought my writing was snappy and suspenseful. I thought I packed in longing and loss. I am an adult now, and see judgment and jealously, imaginary drama and unsupported assumptions.

As an Aspergian, I see the world through Susan colored glasses. I am judge and juror. I am the standard bearer. I see and judge all. The poverty-stricken young mother in me had given up a comfortable upper-middle class upbringing because I had not seeing the path I should take because I was wearing my "Susan Shades".

I fumbled around until I discovered the "hippie path" at the Stillwater library. I had hippie friends, Scott and Conny, to discuss organic farming. His plot always looked better than mine, because he actually cared and I hated weeding. We traded ideas about how to preserve food. We talked a lot about building a dome house, raising goats and eschewing electricity /shudder. I sewed my own clothes - or altered those I found. I tie-dyed hand me down baby clothes to hide the stains.

I made "War Protest Signs" even though there was no war going on except the cold war. I was afraid of nuclear holocaust, so I put an ad in the paper asking people to meet at the library to form an Anti-Nuclear group. Unbelievably, we grew and became very successful. We staged protests downtown (Stillwater) and we bought proposals to Stillwater (rejected) and Washington County (accepted) to create a Nuclear Free Zone.

Since I was a vegetarian, I purchased food at the co-op and in bulk at the grocery store. I used cloth diapers at some point - ick! The early years of my marriage were when my "Susan shades" became opaque. Slowly, only people who acted the same as I did were "right", everyone else was "wrong". My way - or the highway! Which brings me back to this entry.

However endearing this writing has been to me over the years, typing them into this blog reveals them for what they really were. It is Raw Susan. I was jealous that a family had more than I did, that they could travel from state to state, that I imagined they could pay for a new car, stay at hotels, all the things I wished I could give my children.

I experienced those things growing up. I wanted my children to experience those things as well. They did eventually - when the next summer, I asked my parents to let me come back home, with my children, so I could finish school. I will be excited to tell that tale when I get to it.

This journey, stuck in my mind's eye, because I had written it down, reveals me for what I am. I judge. I judge based on my own criteria: The Susan Code. Before my Asperger's diagnosis, I wasn't as aware that I did this. I wasn't fully aware that others had thoughts of their own. I believed that everyone should agree with me, and I was surprised when they didn't.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

I have no self - no "I" - that I can claim to be my own

I have no self - no "I" - that I can claim to be my own. I feel the need to define it. It is necessary to me as an individual and in order to grow.

What I was...
I was born 5th in a family of 6.
The 3rd of 4 girls.
The girls older than me were ideal-types.
I lost my mother to a younger sister.
My father became mine - although he really wasn't enough.
I tried desperately as a child to gain my parents love - but I never seemed to get it.
Cris has taken my parents role in my fight to win unconditional love.
Cris, like my parents, will never give me the love I seek. The love I want has vanished. There is no way for me to regain the lost love.
I have things that are mine alone. I stole them from others.
      Good Susan
      I learned easily in school.
      Funny - I can't think of anything else to label "good Susan".

      Bad Susan
      I've always thought of myself as "bad". Cindy and Julie were my opposites. Cindy being directly opposite and Julie was more of a hybrid of us, but closer to Cindy than to me.

      Anne doesn't fit into my scale. She has totally different viewpoints. I cannot relate to her at all.

      Sexual Feelings
      Doing socially unacceptable things
      Slut behavior as teenager
      Easily aroused - selfishness
      Knew/know I don't want to be "caught"
        Eaves Dropping
        Listening to others conversations
        Reading (Cris's) letters/journals/anything
        Going out of my way to watch
        Coming up with fanciful interpretations
          Gathering information and then altering plans
          Going out of my way (Mileage, financially)
          Generally deceitful and sneaky
            Make too many plans
            Never motivated
            All energy spent on above behavior
            Just don't care about some things
              What I can become...
              a poor welfare mother - totally dependent either on welfare or husband.
              a film maker - camera person. Unattached, full of energy.
              a school teacher - teaching video. Full of ideas and encouragement.
              a clothing designer - working for a Minneapolis pattern maker.
              a doctor - dedicated to helping the poor. Also good family member.
              a researcher - looking for secrets - working for a Noble prize.
              a medical reformer. Changing the U.S. into a socialized public health plan.
                If I can rid myself of dependence I could be very successful.

                Where do my values lie?

                I think it best to only have one lover at a time.
                I think it is OK to be kinky - but only with someone you know very well.
                It is not OK to talk about sexual happenings with people not directly involved.
                Love and Sex seem very caught up with one another.

                Where am I going wrong?
                When I have sex I want to be satisfied (I'm very selfish).
                I feel lost and at one with the world - my boundaries fall down when I have an orgasm. This is my symbiosis experience hence sexual activity is very important to me. This is one area that I might be able to change from a negative to a positive. But it will take lots of work.

                Things I am not good at (but do anyway)
                • I am not an artist.
                • I am not a philosopher.
                • I don't enjoy "reading into" things.
                • I am not into occult religion.
                • I am not the best photographer.
                • I am not good at "hanging out".
                Eavesdropping and playing private eye goes against my better judgment.


                I find it very interesting to read this "self-evaluation" of my 24 year old self. As an older version of this person, I see how similar and how different we are. I was very concerned with my "sexual" behavior - that is very clear in this assessment. I wondered out loud about the statement that I made about wanting to be (sexually) "satisfied". Could it be that Cris taught me that it was a selfish desire on my part? (But of course not on his...) Humans are sexual beings after all. 

                I am surprised by how much I haven't changed. I still analyze the heck out of my actions, except now I do it in my head, or muttering to myself, or discussing possibilities with my cats. 

                In the section titled "What I can become": I like to edit movies - especially my grand kids. I am a teacher. I do teach video. I still love to sew and design things. I have a business license for LeetLootz - so if I suddenly decide to sell my creations, I am ready to go. I am interested in a career change - to become a researcher of sorts - an Archivist - discovering new things. I am an active member of Organizing for America - I sent several letters to congressmen, made interesting posts to compel others to press for Health care reform. I even had a half hour discussion with one of John Kline's staff, explaining my views to him. I believe I made a compelling argument. 

                So out of my "list of what I could become", Out of seven possibilities, I have become (or still want to become) FIVE of them. I am actually amazed at my insight into my core  being.

                The list of "Things I am not good at (but do anyways)": I agree with the list of things I still despise. After my bone marrow transplant that I had to celebrate my 30th birthday (oh - and to save my life from Hodgekin's Lymphoma), I stopped pretending. The only thing on the list that I still do, begrudgingly, is "hang out", although there has to be a compelling reason to do so.

                Only one more thing to address. I say that I cannot relate to my sister Anne at all. I can now. I couldn't when I was younger. She is very critical and judgmental. After I accepted her judgment, we got along. She was my best friend growing up. I played with her all the time. Actually, we played "next" to each other - parallel play - a signature of Aspergians. After my diagnosis, and learning what parts of my personality are Asperger effects, I turned the lens outwards, towards my family. I believe that out of the six children my parents had, three of us are Aspergians, my younger sister and the younger of my brothers. I have three children. I believe all three have Asperger's Disorder. One of them has just received a positive diagnosis.

                Welcome to Team Awesome, Banana Pan!

                Saturday, April 24, 2010

                Disturbing Dream

                May 20, 1987

                Friday, April 23, 2010

                92 degrees and sunny

                Several pages from my visual journal. They relate to some earlier posts, so I am going to provide links to the corresponding dates. I hope these visual entries do not bore you...

                May 14, 1987
                The Gravity Race was an annual event at MCAD. This particular year, Newton's Apple (The KTCA series), was there filming. I was thrilled later when I was in some of the footage used on the show. The vehicle that I built was created solely by me. I give credit to Cris in the sketch above "Gravity Race Wednesday May 13th. Cris/Sue collaboration - Honorable mention $25.00! Tri-cube". I think that fact that Cris read my journals caused me to claim that he collaborated with me. He did help me paint it - but I designed and constructed the entire piece. This sketch was drawn the same day that is related in the post "I am a rich man".

                May 15, 1987
                This incident would stand out in my mind as recordable. I have a "thing" about people who spit. When I was a student at the University of River Falls in 1979, the sidewalk was spit upon by what I considered "farm boys". It gives me the willies. Eeww. Gross.

                May 16, 1987
                This gardening project was so fun! The kids and I were using spoons to loosen the soil. We planted seeds from a packet. Harrison and Aja held out their dirty hands, palms up to accept a couple of seeds at a time. We carefully watered our garden. The plants were just beginning to poke their heads out when the woman who lived downstairs tore up the garden and planted marigolds. Ouch!

                May 17, 1987
                My sister Anne lived where all the houses were made out of red brick. They were built close together. This sort of neighborhood made me nervous. I was and still am worried about houses that look too much alike. It frightens me to think I might knock on the wrong door. 

                May 19, 1987
                This sketch and the one below were both drawn on May 19th. This is a depiction of me cleaning the bathroom - that I complain about in the "I feel like a bitch" blog entry.

                These unfortunate plants were also destroyed in the "Lady Downstairs plants marigold episode" ::sadface::

                Thursday, April 22, 2010

                what do I want to say?

                May 12, 1987

                School's out in a few days. Summer should be a great break. Some things I really want to accomplish are...
                • Get to know Sue: who I am, what I want, what I am about, where I am going.
                • Get control of ME: body wise. no smoking, exercising, stop nail biting, dream understanding.
                • Work: Work hard, work long, work steady - possibilities - Norman Anderson, Halle, other...
                • Reading: "The Devils", "Natasha Novastoska", "Memoirs from the House of the Dead", "War and Peace", And many others!
                • Drawing: visual journal type thing - right here in this book - get to know myself - what do I want to say?
                When I was young. I looked at the plans for a house that was never built.

                Wednesday, April 21, 2010

                At the landscape arboretum

                I have jumped journals again. I have the next journal in the series following my blog from March 26th "I still don't understand..." This is the visual journal I spoke of getting. There is a slight overlap of dates. I am just ending my first year at MCAD. Cris has given up his own apartment, moving in with me because he couldn't pay all his bills. I am 24 years old. My children are 6, 4 and 8 months.

                May (15) 1987
                At the landscape arboretum today. I came alone right after class. I will roam about looking for a spot to film possibly besides that I can be alone and relax, be close to nature - well, not that close but close enough to experience a meditation, a communion with the earth. I bought this pen and notebook to begin to record my surroundings without so many words - they seem to bog me down and get in the way - I feel I must stop relying so heavily on them.

                Tuesday, April 20, 2010

                Year 4: My One Year Diary

                (I am 13 years old. I am in 8th grade.)

                My New Year's resolution this year is to fill in empty pages and tell about my love life and play hard to get.

                Today was a bummer. I didn't go to the "Y" to see Roy.

                Went to the "Y" today. Roy wasn't there. He went on vacation. Signed up for Junior Leaders and going to Overnight to work tonight. Well I went there made friends with Paul and I slept with him! I don't know if I should like Paul or Roy both like me. We only slept two hours. I was awake and held on to his arm. When we woke up I found out he wasn't asleep at all. I went home to sleep it off Saturday.

                Well, I slept all day but my mom woke me up at 5 cause she said if I didn't get up I wouldn't go to sleep tonight. She was right. I washed my hair and took a bath and Julie made brownies but my dad made us go to bed so I think I'll sneak down and get some. I decided to like Paul. Roy got more to choose from than I do. I'm glad I didn't write here (meaning on this page) before.

                I feel kind of feel guilty. I don't know why I said I would like Paul. Today I decided on Roy. He's more my age and likes me better. I talked my mom into letting me go to the "Y" today. Roy wanted me to go. I'm going tomorrow after school (I hope!) I hope John ain't mad at me. I don't want to sit by him. He's too short. Maureen will be happy cause she don't like John much. Boy come to think of it, I am happy I really like Roy.

                Roy Newton likes me again I think. I hope he does. I am getting a new shirt. We now have judo on Thursdays too. I missed the Junior Olympics yesterday but I can go into the Junior National. Oh well. I better Practice. Bye.

                8/12 and 8/13
                I went up to Dawn McKay's cabin today to spend the night with her and another girl named Laurie. There was a super hunk of a guy who kept calling me chicken. We were sitting around in the cabin and we pushed him off the bed and we were tickling him, and Dawn and Laurie wanted to make a fire. So I got in the sleeping bag with him and he blew at me and all of a sudden we were making out. Frenching! He got to...1st 3 times (during about 7 hours of time), 2nd  3 times (during the whole time), 3rd 8 times. And we were on a bed at his cabin where we made out before. Well he almost got a home run. He had his pants down and so did I and he was just going to do it (And I was chicken to say anything) when Dawn called! Friday the 13th isn't so bad!

                Today was really great. I finally know what's happening! A senior asked me out I said no but he was cute. His name was Terry O'Brien and when I went babysitting (Amy) it wasn't hard to talk to a guy named Jimmy. I don't know why but I finally feel needed and wanted. I am very happy, thanks Life I thought I didn't need you there for a minute.


                As a teenager with (undiagnosed) Asperger's, I obviously felt out of place in the world. Although I didn't tell the tale yesterday, I developed an entire second identity at camp to escape the confines of my life and who I was. I sought out friends. I latched onto anyone who would accept me. I was eager to participate in the dating game being played around me. I was awkward in my attempts to communicate with boys. I was socially inept, cracking "jokes" that made no sense. 

                Reading the entries in my diary makes me aware that my friends knew I was desperate for any attention from anyone - especially a boy. The two "best friends" preyed upon my vulnerability, teasing me and setting me up to become the butt of their pranks. I lacked the insight needed to understand the sarcasm in their voices. I could not tell they were teasing me. I was completely unaware of my shortcomings when it comes to gauging a social situation. 

                I am aware that most of my life, I came across as a know-it-all (I am sure I still do). I am quick to imply that I am an expert in any subject that I am interested in. I am quick to make sure people know that I am better than they are - that they are lucky that I grant them attention. My inability to understand social cues added to the confusion I felt when people rejected me.

                After the last entry above, there are a couple entries from 1977 in which I describe multiple partner sexual encounters. I relay the things that the boys would say to me "I like you as a playmate, not as a girlfriend" "You are a good friend". I report that my sister said I was "Horny" and that "I believe it, but I can't help it". I was sincerely confused by the sexual encounters that ended with the boys ignoring me when they saw me again.

                At the same time that I was trying to fit into my peer group, I was racking up credits to graduate from high school. I was so terribly unhappy, and had several extra credits as a result of attending French camp for credit, I planned to graduate early. My oldest sister had done it before me, so it wasn't too difficult to talk my parents into enrolling me in an English correspondence course at the University of MN. 

                Thinking about the immaturity of the entries above. Imagine three years from this time, I will be unleashed into the world. In the three months I spent as a college student, living on my own, I had no friends. I was preyed upon and played by a man who impregnated me. His girlfriend beat me up. I miscarried. I met Cris, and finally was betrayed by my psychiatrist and was thrown out of school and my parents home. The last three months of 1979 - a fast ride into chaos. I was so incredibly immature. I am glad I spent 4 days of blog entries on my small red diary. In its pages, I grow from child to confused teenager. It puts "me" in perspective for "you" to understand the disaster that I call my life.

                Monday, April 19, 2010

                Year 3: My One Year Diary

                (I am 12 years old. I am in seventh grade. I obviously have just learned some swear words...)

                Today is my sister's birthday. I love everything she got. She got a red shirt and it had a cow on it and under the cow it said cowshirt. Today I was right behind <3 Ken Kochendorfer <3 in the lunch line. The lunch was horrible and tasted like shit! Oh yeah I am going to a costume party Monday night!

                I took a fucking test in English today it sounded like shit to me. Lori Lynn likes Chris Hagen! He is a puss. We had a fucking lunch today a soggy turkey sandwich with gravy! Shit!

                (Commenting on the letter to Bobby in which I asked him to marry me or give me a kiss) 
                The entry above sounds like shit.

                In gym we played hockey. It was fun. I gave up a real fight. Carol slapped me in the leg with her hockey stick. It was pure red. Oh my leg stung. It didn't go away either. We started taking showers again. Oh crud.

                Today we got a new girl in our home room. She looks OK. Oh, in Social I couldn't find my token so I borrowed one from Heidi. I got the lunch and ate it uck! Then Karen Parish gave me a letter. It was a chain so I ripped it up!

                We got our report cards today. I got real good grades. Nothing lower than a B-. Nothing higher than an A-. Pretty good huh? I made it on the honor roll. Julie was a snot about it.

                Mr. Anderson, our music teacher is queer. He made me, Cindy, Diane and Peggy stay after for laughing. Very funny. I want a transfer. He's crazy. All he thinks about is lecture, lecture, lecture, talk, talk, talk, work, work, work. He's crazy!

                My mom, Julie, and Anne and me went to Dayton's. Me and Julie got boots. Anne got hers at Schultz's. I tried on 7 and 7-1/2 and 8 and 8-1/2, finaly the 8-1/2 fit but I'll grow out of them. They costed $26.50.

                (My daughter, Aja, can tell you horror stories about trying to fit me for shoes. I am a woman's size 7 normally, but I hate shoes. They hurt so much. I do not want shoes that touch my feet. I remember in junior and high school, that I bought shoes that were clearly much too large for me. My sister, Julia, is much taller than I am. My dad told me that when your feet are as long as your forearm, you have stopped growing. I wanted BIG feet so that I would grow TALLER than Julia. I imagine that I clomped around in the halls in junior and senior high school, willing myself to grow tall.)

                We went to the IDS building and when we were in the elevator I had the hiccups. I was embarrassed. Sandy liked my new shoes but after we ate we went to a weaving thing and I felt like I was going to barf.

                I like Tony. He is in my 5th hour math class. He likes me and I think we'll get together when we get our pictures I'll get his. I faked an excuse from gym ha ha she believed it.

                Rusty thinks I'll give Tony a B.J. I won't. Tony is still trying to get me to let him feel me out or finger me. We had a assembly today and I saw Tony, Rusty and David. Great luck! Hey? Tomorrow I'll find out the month he was born in.

                Sorry but I forgot to find out what month his birthday is in. Tomorrow I'll tell him I'll give him a B.J. I'll try to find out his address too. Mr. Brotzler talked all day so we couldn't talk but tomorrow we can't talk either because we got a test.

                We had a test in math today so we couldn't talk. I kept whistling at Rusty in Music and he got real mad. Me and Kelly are trying to get laryngitis it is working. Tony reached over today to get paper and I put my hand down and he kept on squeezing it.

                Tony was gone today in math. Mr. Brotzler let us play games. I played chess with John Norman and he almost kissed me. John Norman is a puss. Too bad tomorrow we don't have school. My pot in Art is done too. It's pretty. Inez told me Roger likes Karen Krumm. She's a whore!

                We went to church today and Steve picked up Jameel Al Dossary and went to church with us. He saw his friends there. I have to sleep in Anne's room because my Aunt Mary is here.

                I thought this Christmas was going to be a bummer. It started out by only getting 6 presents almost all clothes. I got a vest, sweater, pants, hat, dominoes and a belt but about 8:00 pm I found out I got my first period. My cousin Alice stayed over and will stay until Saturday. I have to sleep on the couch because my Aunt Mary's here but it's comfortable. Good night.

                Not much happening but my period is heavy.

                Alice is leaving today and Dan's coming over and tonight Ricky came "oh ick"

                Sandy had her puppies. I spent all day in Julie's room with no food. She had 6 beautiful puppies.
                1. No Name (Julie)
                2. Fred (Steve)
                3. Shawnie (Anne)
                4. Bernard (Sue "me")
                5. Wetter (Cyndie)
                6. Susie (Jameel)


                This year I'll only fill in the unfinished pages because this year diary is becoming a 3 year.

                I got my hair cut today. It is a nice style. My Blizzard caller called today to tell me we were going to Snowcrest. Cyndie and Scott were going to go there but now they are going to Afton.

                Today in 5th hour Tony asked me if I wanted to go to his house. I had to say no because I had to go home after school.

                Tony asked me to go with him. I told him I would. Tonight I might go to Target and I might ask Tony if he wants to go with me.

                I went to pick out new glasses today and get our passpport pictures taken. Also I got pants and a shirt.

                All the snow is melting! Me and Anne and Grandma and Mom went out to eat at a Mexican Restaurant. We saw a mouse there. Shows you how sanitary they are there and also I got heartburn.

                First day of Spring. All the snow is still melting. We didn't have to go to church! Yeh!

                We got a blizzard today and got 10 inches of snow! Just when the other stuff was melting!

                I got my glasses today!

                Tonight I saw Ten Little Indians for the second time. Kelly is sleeping over tonight. I had a dream that me and Tony went to a movie, a baby one, and we were necking and all the little kids were watching us. How stupid!

                My dear god if I don't see Tony pretty soon I'm going to go insane. I know he won't go for another girl because he is too shy but I love him so much the only reason I'm getting the yearbook is to have his picture. I'll put it in my locket. I'ld do anything for Tony. He said he loved me, but I betrayed him god help me! I know he's coming back next month. We got another blizzard this spring is a bummer.

                (I remember having the biggest crush on Tony Torkleson in my math class. Like most very young kids, we just smiled a lot and made suggestive comments to one another. We never saw each other outside of math class. I never talked with him on the phone. One day previous to this entry, Tony passed me a note that asked "Do you like me?" there were two boxes "Yes" and "No". My girlfriend encouraged me to check the "No" box and I ceded to her pressure - not thinking much of it. Tony disappeared from school. He never returned. I never knew what happened. I thought for years - decades - that the reason that he left school was because I had checked the "no" box. As an adult, I think maybe he sent the note because he was deciding whether to tell me he was moving - something along those lines. Theory of Mind plays guilt trips with us Aspergians. I thought the world revolved around me.)

                Today we made taffy for the puppet plays we are having. We went to Signal Hills and Julie got a whole mess of stuff. I only got two books called Five go to Treasure Island and Five at (blank) Castle.

                The snow is melting again today for good. I had a dream about Tony, he came on our roof in the summer and I came out with him. We went behind the air conditioner and we were necking. My god I miss him. I found my locket and when we get our yearbook I'll put his picture in it. The AFS carnival is on the 19th. Me and Anne and Laure put on 5 puppet plays. The Easter Beagle, The Easter Battle, the Easter without the Easter Bunny, Happiest Easter in the world and the year without Easter.

                It's Easter! I found my Easter basket in the closet. I found mine second.

                Today is my dad's birthday.

                Cyndie's birthday. I went to Jane's house to sleep over. We went all over the place and when we got back we saw Mark Johnson and three other boys. We raced them.

                Jane called me up and said that she told Scott Johnson that I liked him and I don't even know him. She said he was Mark Johnson's twin brother and that I saw him when I slept over. I tried to remember and soon found out he was the guy who threw a match in my eye because he was starting the races, well whatever, he said that he kinda liked me. Oh well, Jane said she would write a letter for me to copy to give to him.

                Today is Kelly's Golden Birthday. I wrote to Scott and asked him if he liked me, it said I liked him, and I do and I asked for his picture and hours and his phone number. I gave him mine. I hope he calls, but he'll probably chicken out.

                Scott wrote to me back. He said he liked me. Jane will persuade him to call me. I wrote him another letter.

                I went to Kelly's slumber party. It was fun. I had a dream about Scott last night that me and Jane were sleeping in the tent and Scott and Mark had a party and they came in the tent and started kissing us. tisk tisk.

                I went with Colleen to Jane's house to get a bunny and I saw Scott. Rah Rah. When we came back Jane came with us. I wrote Scott another letter at the end I told him to write back. I'm going to Jane's house Monday after school for sure!

                I went to Jane's house today and we went over to Wayne Knutson's garage where he was building a go cart. After a while Scott came. They were putting the finishing touches when Mark came with Mike and Jane said, "Scott, you should marry Sue cause she's a rich girl." I go, Jane and Mark and Mike and Wayne carrying on about it with me and Scott quietly listening.

                I went over to Jane's house and played with her, Scott, Mark, Duke, Snick, and Eva. Scott called! Mark forced him but I don't care! At Jane's house he bought me a candy pacifier! Ha, Ha. He did it as a joke. I kept the part you can't eat! I weighed me today. I weighed 90 pounds! but I'm back to 95.

                May Memoranda
                Jane is smart

                Out of school at last! We had 3 finals today!

                Today I read Heidi Grows Up. It was the most beautiful story I've ever read. Tomorrow I will read, Heidi's Children. At the end of Heidi Grows Up, Peter married Heidi. I've learnt a lot from Heidi and I wish I could go on reading about her forever.

                I read Heidi's Children. It was as good as the last one. Peter and Heidi had twins, one boy and one girl. They named them Tobi and Marta which was called Martali which means little Marta. Peter's mother called Peter, Peterli in the book the Grand father dies it was sad and I had to take a break from reading I cried so much.

                (I grew up in a house full of books. I taught myself to read when I was in kindergarten. I had received the Eye Book for Christmas. That night, I lay under the tree with the book. It was lit by the tree lights. I looked at the letters and made the noises they made. I remember making the sudden discovery of the trick. I understood how the sounds made the words. I read the book in awe. I loved to read. There were always books available to me at whatever reading level I was at at the time. By sixth grade I was reading at a much higher level than my peers. I read fast, gathering the information without bothering to pronounce the words in my head. The two days that I read the Heidi sequels are memorable to me because I remember reading all day long in my bedroom. I started in the morning after breakfast and was finished with each book before dinner. Reading is an activity that I lose myself in. I bite my nails way down past the quick. I will consume a book without stopping if I don't force myself to stop.)

                I went to the Book Mobile and got out Heidi and read it. I have to tell you that I loved that book the best. Did you know that Peter is 6 years older than Heidi? Also I cried so much when she was unhappy in Frankfort. I was actually taking Heidi's place. But I thought it was funny when Peter was so jealous and threw Clara's chair down the mountain!

                I started reading Heidi over again because I loved it so. I also went back over the books in Heidi. My favorite part is about Peter throwing the chair. In Heidi Grows up it's when Peter marries Heidi, but in Heidi's Children it is a part of a poem...
                Even death is not unkind
                when living love is left behind
                isn't it beautiful?

                Today I found another Heidi book but it is in all English form and different in some places. Also we had a rain storm. It was raining very bad so I went outside put the ginkgos under the shelter of our roof. I was outside today and it was so pretty upside down. I like it that way better.

                (I remember laying in the front yard - there was a slight slope - and wondering how gravity kept us on the earth...)

                I went to Jane's house and we saw Scott and he caught a chipmunk. When I was looking at it I was talking to Mark because Scott was building a cage for the chipmunk, well anyway Mark said, "See Scott caught this chipmunk for you!" I go, "I bet, he wouldn't catch me a lady priest!" and the whole place shook with laughter. I don't like how Mark embarrasses Scott.

                Madeline is very well. I went to the "Y" today with Jane. I went to her house at 2:00 but I didn't see Scott. Tomorrow I will have liked him for 65 days. Pretty good. We had a party for Madeline, Christine and Andress. It went well and was quite fun.

                I had a good dream last night, Scott was laying down and told me to lay down next to him so I did. He was combing the hair out of my eyes and I put my hand on his waist. He said, "Sue, do you like me?" "Yes" "Very much?" "Yeh" "OK, mind if I kiss you?" "No" So he kissed me on the cheek. I said, "That wasn't very much of a kiss." So he kissed me (on the lips) and I smiled so he kissed me again.

                Tonight at 9:43 I saw the spaceship of the USA and USSR. History! I went to the "Y" today. I have to think of some way to get to go to Jane's house tomorrow because I miss Scott. At the "Y" yesterday Eva said, "Why would you change your name to Johnson?" I said, "Who told you that?" "Nobody" Jane said, "You know you might marry him." I said, "Oh sure."

                We are going on a trip tomorrow. We will be going to Wisconsin but I'd rather go to the lake.I had a dream last night about Jane and me trying to work our way across the USA to SSP we never made it.

                We had to spend the whole day in the car. It was boring. When we got to New Glarus we found out the motel was full so we had to spend the night at a lady's house. I slept on the floor.

                We got back from our trip good! Good night!

                The songs on the radio make me lonesome for Scott. I packed my suitcase this morning, everything fits. I have to get a hold of Jane because I need Eva's, Tiny's and Renee's and Scott's addresses because I will write to them when I am at camp. I was reading a book, "How to Get Along in French" and I learned some new stuff like hell, go to hell, darn it and others.

                Me and Anne went out to eat with my mom and dad and after that we went to a movie "One of our Dinosaurs is missing" and "Cinderella" it was OK.

                Today Jane slept over and we called Scott. We had fun talking to him. He is so nice. The reason we called him cause I was mean to him today cause he was mean to Jane and she told him I wasn't coming over.

                I went with Jane back to her house and after lunch we went out and played football. Mike and Jane were the captains. Jane got the number first so she picked me and I told her not to pick Scott so she didn't. We were losing so Scott joined our team so we started winning then me and Jane went and did the dishes.

                Today is David's birthday.

                I started school today. Scott and Mark are in my lunch. Mark is in my 4th hour and Scott is in 5th.

                In gym today we played ping pong. My partner is Beth Pavlak. She's nice.

                I'm going to have a slumber party September 19th. Today I stopped liking Scott and now I like Randy Heinz. Oh, he's so nice and I wouldn't mind him. I really don't want to leave Scott but he won't do nothing so I don't care. I don't really like his clothes either, at least he could talk to me. Randy talks, and dresses real good. Cool! I really like him, Mark's OK to talk to but Scott's impossible, the way he sounds it will be about 10 years before he does anything! but Randy's grown up.

                It looks like during my 12th year, I learned about swearing and blow jobs. I am amused and a little disturbed. I never even kissed a boy, and I discuss who I would give blow jobs to. I wonder when I learned about that - who taught me - and did I really know what I was talking about. I sure had a lot to say about this year, judging by the number of entries. I remember that Scott and Mark were identical twins. I never could tell them apart. I had a crush on Scott, and only knew who was who by watching whether one could look at me (Mark) or who would pretend I wasn't there (Scott). I never had a conversation face to face with Scott. At the state fair, I bought a bracelet and had his name engraved on it. My sister, Julie, told me that people didn't do that - put other people's names on jewelry. She said that if he had given me the bracelet with his name, that would have been OK. I put the bracelet in my dresser then, and never wore it again.

                Sunday, April 18, 2010

                Year 2: My One Year Diary

                September 21, 1973
                (I have just turned 11 years old)
                My birthday was today. I got a blouse, some tapes and a game.

                I like Steve Bartlet. He is very cute.


                I will love Tom Lehman until I die!

                Today was the first snow. We got 4 inches. Dawn Zweber got a baby brother today.

                We got our Christmas tree today. We had turkey after. I hate the tree.

                Last night I had a dream I could fly. I love Tom Lehman. Today in Social Studies we read a play called The Typewriter based on the Waltons. I was Olivia and Tom was John her husband. It was fun. I can't wait until Christmas.

                "Special Events"
                Going to Dan's house
                Dan's father is going to make a round house. He is half way done with the first floor.
                Thinking about Steve Veldman
                Not thinking about Steve Veldman
                Thinking about Tom Lehman and David Bruber.
                Not thinking about Tom and David!
                Having cool dream that I am married to Tom Lehman and he is a sex maniac.


                We were at the lake and it was a bore.

                I wish I had someone to play strip checkers with!

                I am playing with Colleen and just decided not to be sexy! We played strip checkers. I give you my word I will not be a lesbian.

                I threw away the strip checkers game but I still have the board!

                I have just bought new clothes. I have 3 pairs of pants, 2 blouses, 2 sweaters - one short and one long sleeve, 2 bras, and half a dozen socks.

                Both of my diaries are keeping track of my life so if you don't learn enough here use my other diary. My mom and dad are going to Europe on September 10th and coming back on the 1st of October. They will be gone during my birthday so I am going to have a party. I will invite boys and girls!

                We started school (seventh grade) and I like Mike Brewer.

                I like him very much.

                Mike Brewer is a puss. I like another boy. I don't know his name.

                I had fun in school. I found out what his name is. It is Ken. I don't know his last name.

                Today I was sick and couldn't get up. I thought of Evel Knievel. I made a paper doll and it was Evel. I started to make a motorcycle for him but thought he couldn't make it over the Snake river. I took my rosary and prayer. It worked. He survived. I love the lord!

                Saturday, April 17, 2010

                My (Five year) One Year Diary

                Diary One Year

                (Writing as a 10 year old. I was in 4th grade.)

                My Birthday is today I got a... tape recorder, some tapes, a shirt, a game and this diary.

                I watched Love Story and had a dream last night.

                I fell in love for the first time with Randy. I wish I could run up and kiss him. But I am too afraid I never thought it was so hard.

                I sent a letter to my love, Bobby Lincowski. I plan to marry him or get a kiss on the lips. I hope my Dream comes that he'll marry me. I will tell him that I will strip for him and do anything for him so he'll give me a kiss or if he marries me I will strip for him like anytime he wants. I know how I'll look when he does marry me. I will tell you - nothing! It will be fun.

                (I mailed him an anonymous letter telling him to meet me at Shaefer's pond on 11/10. I included several nudes cut from the stash of Playboy Magazines my brother hid up inside the closet at the bottom of the stairs. At our 10th Class reunion, I admitted to Bob that I had written him the strange letter so long ago. He was amused and relieved to have finally known who had sent it. He said his mother had intercepted the letter and he had been grounded for weeks.)

                We found a big dirty book: We stands for Kelly and Sue.

                I'm getting a kiss or a husband today!

                I Hate Bobby Lincowski!


                Dear Diary, I promise to write to you every day. Love, Susan

                I heard on T.V. the war in Viet Nam was ending. I was so happy I could cry and I did.

                I taught Bobby Wacker how to ski. It was very fun. In school we had a nice opera. It was very good.

                Dear Diary, I just saw Go Ask Alice on T.V. My new year's resolution is to never take any drugs as long as I live. I told Tom Lehman that I liked Tom Vasatka. I can't tell him that I like him. Love, Susan

                Dear Diary, My or our dog Sandy went into my room and bit off a head of one of my stuffed toys. I was doing an experiment with water today. It was very warm today. I am reading Magie Elizabeth. It is a good book.

                Dear Diary, I lost my favorite mitten at school. I still have one. Tomorrow I will go skiing. I will tell you about it. We are going to hardscrabble.

                It was very bad. All the snow was melting. It was slush.

                I am going to church. Oh ick.

                I am happy but sad. I had a bad day in school.

                It is our dog's birthday today. She got 3 presents.

                I'm Comformed! My Comformation name is Elisabeth. 

                (I left the misspellings as is - because it amuses me. I didn''t even know what the heck was going on. At some point a couple months earlier, my Sunday School group joined with the older kids. They were doing different sorts of things. I was confused and paid little attention to what was going on. At one point someone told me to pick a new name. After much deliberation, hopping around my patio on my pogo stick - so three hops at a time, fall off, repeat - I chose Elizabeth because I thought my initials would spell SEAL but they didn't - they spelled SAEL...My mother sewed me  dress with tiny roses on it. At church that day, everyone was very serious. Arch-Bishop Roach was there to confirm us. We waited in line and each went up to him. He smeared some oily stuff on my forehead and I went to sit down. Later my parents gave me a miniature rosebush. We planted it outside. It died soon afterward. I never knew what the whole thing was about until I was an adult and my sister Cindy told me. )

                It is my sister's birthday. I'm very sorry I didn't write.

                We just got home from a vacation to Oregon. I had clostraphobia.

                Dan asked if I could come to his house but my mom said no. I was very mad.

                I love Steve V.

                I am going to Dan my cousin's house. In my photo album I hid pictures. I love Steve V. Today I went swimming in Laure's pool. We ate peanuts and threw the shells into Kleper's yard. It was fun. We made a fort on the monkey bars. It was cool.

                I went to Laure Wacker's house at 11:00. She was at the store. I might not be able to go to Dan's house because the forth of July is on Wednesday of next week. Tonight I will watch the Brady Bunch. I love Steve V.

                I can't go to Dan's house because They are staying to build their home for five days. I am a playboy but I am a girl so I will be a nudest. I will love it I know. It's twelve noon.

                We're at our lake and we caught fireflies. My mom squished mine.

                It is my brother Steve's Birthday. We went to ur lake and ate supper at nine.

                (Actually my brother's birthday is on the 15th)

                I love Steve and respect him. I so very much want to kiss him or at least tell him I love him. We went to the showboat today. We went to see Steven Foster. It was a musical. I love Steve. I love Steve. I love Steve. I love Steve. I love Steve. I love Steve. I love Steve. I love Steve. I love Steve. I love Steve.

                I so very much want to tell Steve that I love him more than anything.

                I love Steve V. So much I could die.

                I love Steve V. very, very much.

                I dearly love Steve. I must impress him to like me then to love me. It is my dearest wish to marry him. My plan will take quite a while, for in school I am going to keep my hair washed and curled, wear clashy, classy, nice, neat clothes because I love that wonderful, beautiful, hndsome boy more than anything in this world.

                I love Steve V. so much I wish to tell him I love him very much. In church today I bought my pig amd lion and Mary Gobile said she liked the lion better.

                I was watching T.V. It was an educational movie. It said that true love never breaks. It is true because I have loved Steve ever since May. Isn't that funny?

                I Hate Steve.

                I hate Steve Veldman.

                Today I went to Colleen's house. She and Kelly call up their boy friends. Colleen's was 13. His name was Mike. Kelly's was 15 and was Terry. They had a little brother named Denis. He was 11. All of them were sex maniacs just like me. Denis asked how big my bust line was. I said I liked him, he said maybe he would meet me at Jefferson someday. Now I am crazy about him.

                Denis is a fake. So is Colleen and Kelly. Oh I hate them!

                Friday, April 16, 2010

                I may find it painfully dull to be among people

                October 28, 1986

                Things are beginning to lose their Char-ness. The Walgreen toothbrushes, the composition books, the sweater of her lover before you. I no longer feel as violent about Honda Civics - even the oxidized red ones seem virtually harmless. The coffee pot, jar and the knife she gave you are losing their pasts. My bed only vaguely remembers her presence. The clothes you wear have almost lost the dust they retained within their fibers from her bedroom floor. The clothes you possess are losing the remnants of Char as they rubbed off your body in the morning.

                My memory of Char is painful. She was my rival, the taker of what I believed to be rightfully mine. I hate her.

                Your memory of her is more of a mourning of the great love and happy times you once shared with her. It is sad - these differences. I feel bad that I cannot think nice things about this woman whom you once loved. I tried at first, but I never will except the fact that she has a right to a bit of your life - because I know your love is yours to give away as you choose and it is hard to believe, no not believe - accept - that the receptor of your love wasn't me. As I know I am only receiving a deflected love even now.

                You seem to be in love with someone (or more than one) else besides me. I don't see how you can fragment yourself - not giving it all to just one as I would wish to believe would be the easiest thing to do, but you prefer the role of silent suffering - suffering in self-denied love.
                Now I'm going among people. I may not know anything, but a new life has begun for me. I made up my mind to do my duty honestly and resolutely. I may find it painfully dull to be among people. To begin with, I decided to be frank and courteous with everybody. No one can expect more than that from me. Perhaps even here they regard me as a child - it can't be helped! For some reason everyone regards me as an idiot, too, and it is quite true that I was so ill at one time that I really was an idiot. But what sort of an idiot am I now when I know myself that people take me for an idiot? The Idiot, Dostoevsky
                Alexithymia is a term that describes an impairment in someone's ability to identify and describe feeling states. Tony Attwood says that people with Asperger's Disorder often have a limited vocabulary of words to describe feeling states - especially the more subtle and complex ones.

                I see in this journal, that I have resorted to descriptions of the items around me that provoke the physical responses that I recognize as "feelings". I use a wide paint brush to describe my emotions too. I am Sad. I am Hurt. I Hate. I Love.

                The quote from The Idiot seems to me now a great expression of how I feel about the world now. It surprises me that I had enough self-awareness to see myself in the writing. 

                This is the last entry in this journal. I am actually a little sad to let this one go. It has been a painful and thoughtful journal through this time in my life. I have learned a lot through this stroll down memory lane. Tonight, I will look at the pile of old journals and writings and pick up another. I wonder what I will find within its pages.

                Thursday, April 15, 2010

                the past is laid out before us; the future behind

                September 23, 1986
                (Now I have just turned 24 years old)

                I walked over to get an album on Nicollet Avenue today. As I did some black guy "psst psst" at me and I unconsciously looked over at him. He was waving his hands - like telling me to come over. I'm Sure - I just kept right on walking.

                I'm sitting up on the fourth floor again by the windows waiting for Lens Media to begin. I surprised Cris by coming home for lunch. I watched the rest of Gremlins and hung out the washing too. From this spot you can see the student studio space down on the third floor. It looks like a mess: cardboard on top of the spaces made of pipes tied together - foam, wood, plastic, various art objects, bags of things, a couch, stereos, cupboards...Dire Straits is playing right now...sheets, canvas, various personalities walking about...Strange to think they have no life but that of a student. Carefree, no commitments or time problems. I'm not jealous though, it's just different.

                October 1986

                I miss my children. I walked into their bedroom to shut off the fish tank and their beds were empty. I wonder how they are. There were about six kids at MCAD today with/waiting for their parents to get out of class. I talked to a young girl about 6 years old - she was coloring.

                Being left here alone has only one advantage that I can see - well 2 - but indirectly. It is that I can sleep in tomorrow. It seems like a year since I was able to do this. I probably will wake up at 9:00 because of the silence. It's almost demanding. I listened to Suzanne Vega this morning before heading off to get the bus. Both these experiences were new to me. I planned to stay all day working at shop, welding, but as always goes, the shop closed at 5:00 today, because it's Friday. Oh well. I was doing quite well. Before I went to work, I sat in a comfortable chair and ate lunch as I started reading The Art of Motorcycle Maintenance. It's a great book. I read the intro and the first two chapters. I found it very interesting. He said that he considers the past to be laid out before us and the future behind. He's right. It all makes sense. Cris's talking helps the ideas enter more smoothly.

                Well, in shop, I was doing quite well after my first two braisings. I really started cooking - it was all working out. I started to manufacture the hinges for my egg tube, which I found. The second time I started towards the shears for cutting, I had to move a garbage can to gain access because John was in the way. I let my thumb slide along the inside edge. PAIN! I grabbed John's shirt back and said, "Ouch, ouch, ouch", still not looking at my hand. Then I looked. Oh shit, I sliced my thumb real good about 2-1/2 inches long and 1/4 inch deep. Calmly, as always is my reaction, I applied pressure to my wound with my index finger and walked over to get some first aid. Well, the teacher (the wood shop guy) didn't realize the extent of my injury (probably because I was so calm). I asked for butterfly sutures - they had none so he gave me some tape and gauze and sent me off to the bathroom to bandage myself. I tried - no success. Chuckie was in the wood shop, so I asked her if she could help me. She cordially agreed - though not bandaging quite as tightly as I wished. I took a half hour break to let my fresh wound coagulate a bit. After I got back, my work was going well for awhile, but then I started my bandage briefly on fire with the blow torch - but I survived. I am going back tomorrow to finish what I can.

                I was going to go to Bonita's film tonight, but I had no heart to wait around for 2-1/2 hours for it to start so I just went home. 18-21-14 buses. Tomorrow I plan to go to Laurie Anderson's movie with Sarah.

                I remember that Cris took the kids to Wisconsin to stay with Lynne. She was one of Cris's platonic relationships - but then maybe there was a voyeuristic quality about it. She lived in the woods - in a small trailer with no running water. She was an alcoholic and a hippie. She had lived next door to us in Bayport and had had a child with her husband Miles in March asfter Aja was born. 

                Lynne liked to garden nude. Her young daughter, Nicollet, also ran about naked. Aja and Nicollet would have been about 5 years old - rounding up on 6 years. I am not certain that that wasn't the reason Cris found visiting them so enjoyable. The more my friend discusses things that I write in this blog, the stranger Cris seemed in relation to pedophilia. Aja related a disturbing story about when she was 5 years old and very shy. The bath was running, and Aja was hiding behind the door, wrapped in a towel. Cris opened the door, it was obvious that Aja did not want to be seen either before, during nor after her bath. She told me that Cris said, "I am your father. I can see you naked any time I want."

                The scary thing is - I would have never noticed. I am so involved with my inner thoughts that I seldom give a thought to others. I would think that having an Aspergian wife would give someone the heads up on being a child molester. I know in my heart of hearts, none of these thoughts have ever crossed my mind until I started writing the journals and discussing them.

                Again - this is the Theory of Mind stuff that is underdeveloped in an Aspergian. I did not mean to ignore my children. They just kind of were "there". I could tell when they were bored, because they whined. I could tell they were hungry, because they had regularly scheduled mealtimes and snacks. I could tell they were tired, because they took a bath as the sun started to set and then we read books. Sometimes they would tell me they were sick, but I never believed them. I let Aja suffer with Strep turned Scarlet Fever for over a month. They have lots of stories to tell about how I never believed their illnesses. But for me to have not noticed that Cris was grooming our daughter as his plaything? The thought never has crossed my mind until now, as I said, and when it was said, I had this feeling in the pit of my stomach, "Ick... did I miss this?"

                Wednesday, April 14, 2010

                We must be poor losers - Indeed

                 September 22, 1986

                Yesterday was my birthday - it was the nicest day I've had. We went to my dad's with Ann - to work on our boxes for shop - which were due today. Cris helped me a lot - gave me the idea and helped with the technical problems and all. My dad helped Ann do hers - they both turned out quite nicely. I think we have done well on our grades. I hope at least because it is worth 70% of our grade - EEK!

                Cris bought me a fish for my birthday a few days ago and I thought that was my present - it was a beautiful black moor. I loved it and was very content, but when I got home from my parents he brought out even more! A funky sloop sticky thing like I've always wanted since I was a little girl - no shit - and an e.e.cummings book - wonderful and a full sized chess set.

                We played later. We are both so bad at losing I don't know why we play. I think we must play until we can get used to the losing part. It's so insane. Some sort of deep psychological struggle we must over come. He captured my three last big playing pieces in three moves and I almost started crying. I just don't understand. Oh Well. We must be poor losers.

                All in all it was a great day. Couldn't have been better. I feel quite close to Cris, of late.

                Here I go again, with all these "we" statements. No one was a poor loser but ME. Cris always won. I never understood chess until years later - 1993 - the year after my bone marrow transplant. I bought a house in South Minneapolis with the money that I had received from Social Security Disability. My mortgage payments plus insurance and taxes = $279/month CRAZY!

                I had moved into the house with another single mother, who had a toddler. I was subbing on and off. She got a job driving a school bus. One day, I was going to sub and I discovered she had left her baby with me - no baby sitter!!! I was late for my sub job - they never let me come back to their school again. She never contributed to the house. Once I went grocery shopping and did not buy popcorn. She was mad that I didn't notice that we were out. So I drove to the gas station, bought a bag and threw it at her as she lay in the living room chilling. Soon, I asked her to get the hell out of my house.

                Cris, who I had divorced, was living in Bayport with his mother. He was wearing out his welcome. His Step-Father was calling him a leech - lawls. I was thinking, "Hey, I could work nights". Subbing was making me sick with my brand new immune system. I told Cris that he could move in to watch the kids while I worked. Stupid idea, I know.

                We started playing chess again. I began losing again. I was always angry, sometimes tossed the board to the floor when too many of my pieces were lined up against his the side of the board. I had bought a Child's Book of Chess for the kids. I picked it up one day, thinking that I could get some idea about the game. The book was wonderful, magical. It described why pieces were laid out the way they were, and why the moved in certain directions, e.g. the church has the ear of the Queen and King. I learned the history of the game. The basic strategy - protect the four squares in the center of the board. The King is the Most Important Piece - not the Queen! The pieces had value, so you should trade them accordingly. The point of the game = capture your enemy's KING. I was always just looking at how pieces could move and trying to whittle down the opponent's pieces. The King was just one of the pieces to consider. My idea of the game was similar to Quiddich, where it is important to try to score as many points as you can but, in the end, it is the golden snitch that wins the game.

                Wow! I never knew! I played Cris that night. He laughed when I said that I had read a kid's book of chess. He mocked me. I beat him soundly. He never beat me again at chess. I read more chess books. After awhile, he didn't want to play with me anymore.

                Chess became a special interest of mine for several years but I have more recently abandoned it because I am much too emotionally involved when I play. I shake and sweat.  I am very angry when I lose. I am very angry when my opponent refuses to acknowledge the beauty and strength of my position. I am angry at people who use petty tactics to win. I have no ability to detach myself from the game. I am the game. I am the army. I die a little inside when my pieces are captured and my
                beautiful defense is destroyed .

                I am the poor loser, not we, nor anyone else.

                Tuesday, April 13, 2010

                Gulibility is a small town in Korea

                September 16, 1986

                Peter told me the neatest story today about where he came from. I'm writing it down because I don't want to forget it.

                Peter was born in Korea to a rich woman from an extremely wealthy family and a Mongolian first star general who was 6'3" and weighed 265 lbs. His father left their family on Peter's first birthday - right after the party - and he never came back. The army then came and took his mother's possessions - jewelery, clothes, furniture - and left them in poverty.

                She sold her car and put the money into the black market - as a loan shark and made a lot of money. Then Korea had a revolution and all her money was no good so they were peasants again. Well, they were living in an apartment no bigger than a bathroom for awhile as his mother worked as a secretary in a Buddhist monastery. His mother had an idea - she put Peter in a Catholic Orphanage where he would receive a free education - believing Peter would get no where without a good education. She promised to visit every weekend - which she did by bribing the guards. Well, three months later, Peter was adopted by a couple in Bloomington, MN. His mother flipped out. That wasn't in the plans and wasn't supposed to happen.

                When Peter left, she met him at the airport. Later, she went up to the mountains to be eaten by tigers. She was there for five days and nights and she had a vision - it was to become a Buddhist Nun. When she came down from the mountain, she met a nun who told her to come with her and be an "Apprentice". Well, she went to live in the monastery and had another vision, that is she copied the "Buddhist Bible" 100 times on the 100th time she would see her son again.

                Many years passed and Peter wanted to get in touch with his mother. So he sent a picture of himself at nine years of age and his mother to be published in a newspaper in Korea. One of his mother's friends saw the picture and told his mother. When Peter came to Korea, she was on her 100th copy of the bible!

                She told Peter that she would die in two years, which she did and she left him a diary which she had kept for 14 years and she also left him the Buddhist temple. She told him never to sell the temple but to appoint a new head nun - which he will do in November.

                I think this is such a nice story. I'm glad Peter shared it with me. Life is so far out sometimes.

                ::Rolls Eyes::

                Monday, April 12, 2010

                He said, "I use my brain halves to the most extreme separation."

                September 10, 1986

                Two weeks of school have past and I am getting used to it. The house is falling apart a bit, but I throw it together when I have the time. I have just tons of classes and from each a monstrous amount of work - 16 hour grids for visual studies - compositions for english - about 50 pages of reading for art history - 20 pages for humanities - a wooden toy for shop - buy a roll of film for lens media...on and on. I started a 3 hour drawing of Cris - did his face fantastically, then moved on to his hand and he moved on to his hand and he moved and rearranged everything so I couldn't continue. I applied for work study - probably won't get a job - but it's worth a try - money is really a problem to grapple with.

                Cris is enjoying watching the kids. He does have a bit of trouble with ianthe - but she is just a baby and it was hard even for me to remember just what to do with a baby.

                September 15, 1986

                Sitting up so high in the fourth floor by the window. I can see Ann's dorm. I like Ann. When I first saw her I thought, "Oh God, She looks just like Char - gross." Not because she is ugly but because of association. I can also see the tower that is on the same block as Cris' apartment.

                I try to talk to him and see what it all means to his life - but he is just so strange. He said last night that he realizes that he is using his brain halves to the most extreme separation. That he is extremely logical - philosophical and life in general - and when he does his art he is extremely emotional. There is no middle ground for him. Maybe he can only express himself through his art. There might be a way to blend things. Maybe he could tell me how he feels e.g. answer my questions through art.

                I really ought to give it a try. Anything just to keep from stagnating in our relationship. I must keep it alive, changing, vibrant not only for Cris, but for myself so I do not go crazy.

                Escape - that is what we desire but we are bound by circumstances. I don't think that it is as heartless as all that but it just touches the surface of how we all must feel. Cris said, "I hope that, someday we'll live in a world without love".

                Love after all is just a feeling - it is not a state of being - you cannot be in love anymore than you can be in happy or in sad. Love is the feeling you get when someone is important to you - without strings attached. That is the important part - without strings or rules. I want rules but really it's all just a matter of respecting the other person's being. Love is more common feeling than people realize - it's their dependency that most people label as being love - but I can feel love with Ann or Sara or Peter for that matter. You know when something feels good. You wouldn't go out of your way to hurt others whom you feel close to, now, would you?

                I ran out and bought a second "Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome" by Tony Attwood today. My first copy is in ruins, having been paged through and page worn by my three children. Aja said that the others would be relieved, that they were frightened to give it back to me in the condition it is in. I love books. I don't think you understand my love of the physical book by that simple statement. I really love books. I take great care of them. I try never to crease their bindings. Upon purchasing a softback book, I condition the spine by opening up the book, first 25 pages from the front, carefully press open holding the book spine to table. Open the last 25 pages, press them to the table, repeat from the front until you have reached the middle. Never fold a page corner to mark your place. That would be a terrible thing to do. Never place an open book face down and open upon a table to mark your spot. Make sure your hands are clean and dry. Do not sneeze into your book. I have many Book Rules. 

                When I first started dating Anthony, I wanted to give him a special book to read. It is Sombrero Fallout: A Japanese Novel by Richard Brautigan. It is an out-of-print book by my favorite author. Actually, Ianthe is named after him in a circular way. His daughter is named Ianthe - that is where the name came from. So, wanting to offer a favorite book to my wonderful friend, I proffered my treasure to him in a zip-lock bag, along with a long list of instructions for its care. Anthony accepted my gift, but later returned it unread. He never dared to open the baggy. 

                Maybe it is a good thing that I am planning to take up my studies again, starting with a Masters in Library Science and Information Systems (that makes my heart sing - lol) and if I still dream it, continue my studies with a Doctorate in Archival Studies. 

                Books, Books, Books, lovely books, they are my friends and have helped me understand the world. I know I digressed with my book story, away from my original thought: which is an explanation about what I was thinking when Cris was confusing me with his talk about how he was using his brain. I was fascinated. 

                At the time I was reading books about how to mend a broken relationships - that confounded me. I had three babies and an absent husband - one that told me that he would never divorce me, but that he would never be back. I used the advice from my relationship book. I told him that he was free. He could do what he wanted and I would still be there for him, unconditionally. Well, you can guess how well that worked out. As the next few days of this blog unfold, I will sway back and forth in confusion. Thinking "What the Hell is Going On?"

                Who would have thought that people don't think exactly like me?! Or not know exactly what I want from them?! I kid, but before October or November of last year, the thought NEVER occurred to me. Hard to believe for an NT (neuro-typical), but true. Evidence of my under-developed Theory of Mind is found in the "we" statements I make in this and several entries about how "we" must feel or think. From Tony Attwood's book on Theory of Mind (ToM), which Absolutely Fascinates Me (page 120):
                ...due to the differences and nature of ToM abilities in the cognitive development of children with Asperger's Syndrome, they may develop a different form of self-consciousness. The child may acquire ToM abilities using intelligence and experience rather than intuition, which can eventually lead to an alternative form of self-consciousness as the child reflects on his/her own mental state and the mental state of others. This highly reflective and explicit self-consciousness has been described as similar to that of philosophers...
                Now, considering the fact that I had grown up with a sociopath, I did not have the highest quality of input with which to develop the ability to recognize and understand the thoughts, beliefs, desires and intentions of others in order to make sense of their behavior and predict what they are going to do next (these are the concepts that Theory of Mind entails).

                I had met Cris, three months into my 17th year. I had graduated high school at 16, and my social life was extremely controlled as a child and teen. I am 24 at the time of this entry. I had spent seven years with Cris, being told that it was "I" that was the crazy one; "I" after all, had been diagnosed as a paranoid schizophrenic (he claimed, discounting my research and study, not to mention I was FAKING it). Seven years of developing my Theory of Mind using a narcissistic sociopath as a model of human behavior. No wonder people are frightened of me at first!