Shame no more.

Undated (but definitely 1979)
To me, I am my world, I am the only thing in this world
I am the only thing
the world around me doesn't matter because I am me
and if I'm bad, or fail at life
the only one to know is me
I am not part of this world
I am not part of this life
I am not part of this world, I am not who I am
I am not a part of this world
I am not who I am, I am not who I am
I am not a part of me
I am not who I think I am
You will not deceive me, and you who will die
You will deceive me, and now you must die.

August 13, 1978
The waves flicker with sunlight in play
and they have long since they were born
and they will always be the same
never changing, never wanting, never wishing.
They will shine. The sun will play upon their happy caps,
and slightly brighten their unending depths.
And no, they will never change
never deceive you, the are never to blame.
And those of us who watch them play
upon a bed of unknown land in the mists of everlasting rest,
with only the wind to blow their playing peaks
to shine for us, those who will never be...like waves.

November 1, 1979
I was once as dead as all dead could be
I laughed my laugh and dreamed my dreams.
I could cry and smile and stare from my eyes
and speak of things that meant nothing,
to no one,
but me.
The only thing to me was to be
my only joy was sorrow
I weep my laugh
and sobbed my fears
and screamed my sleep in angered mirrors.
Mirrors of life, my eyes, they were
No one could touch them to reach me, to hold.
To capture my glance a thought you must hold:
my glassy eyes were meanings, surrounded by verbs.
Words trickled past my lips
quivered while they spoke.
Thoughts so mixed up in my mind
faster than my tongue could move,
then abandoned thoughts were left far behind
as my mind raced new ones for me to find.
My mind explodes with thoughts still now
racing forward, faster with time.
Too bad my lips move no more,
for my eyes know the darkness
that no one else knows.

November 12, 1979
Black satin midnight
floating on a dream
yellow hazy moonlight
in moonlit lightening beams
dance upon the willow trees
hazy, still, unseen
Lazy stars in darkest sky
dancing very slow
wishing me a happy life
as I'm growing old
fairies from the fairy tales
sing upon the lazy night
castles forbidding me and you to enter in the light
Cobwebs look like snow to me
and trees are waving slowly
fly away the moonlit sky
and night is wearing down
slow and quiet is the night
when I was born to die.

===========================================

Embarrassment. Yep. Embarrassment keeps me from posting. Many dramatic "poems" declaring my teenage feelings. 

Why can I throw this up now? I made a decision. I have been wall-to-wall Twilight Saga for the month of December. I do not see it ending anytime soon. I have been reading furiously - not just Meyers but Gaiman too. I think of my postings and how they make me cry sometimes while I write them. 

Pride makes me say out loud that these posts are better than Meyers writing - even on a bad day. These poems are like Meyers. They were written as a child. Yes, I know that I have not sold a franchise worth of material. Heck - Google Ads kicked me off before I received my first deposit. But still. My posts are not a book. I should not compare them to works of fiction. It is difficult for me to not judge. I am judge. that is what I do. It is natural and easy for me to believe that I am superior. 

I do not make New Year's resolutions. Perhaps I should rethink. Perhaps I should continue to write - especially the journals that come out of my box and go quickly back in. What am I waiting for? What can I possible be afraid of at this point? 

/cheers to 2012

Don't make me waste my life. You know I believe in something.

August 1976 

Sometimes, I wish I had a gun. I would kill myself if I did.
Sometimes, I am really happy and I am glad that I didn't have a gun.
Sometimes, I wish I was being held by a man.
Sometimes, I am glad I am alone.

....................................................

I am alone.
No one is ever with me, though people are near me, I am still alone.
I am alone because no one knows how I feel.
No one will ever know how I feel.
No one is like me.
No one can be almost like me either.


....................................................

 August 23, 1976

Betsy is always going into my room and it makes me sick. She is always invading my privacy. She listens on the phone when I talk to my friends. It makes me sick. She doesn't live her own life. She always has to know about everything I do, or say.

I was talking on the phone with some boys and one of them said a bird threw up when it saw me.

Am I really that ugly? I don't think so.

....................................................

 August 24, 1976

I got my overalls today! They are so cute. They are just like Bob's. I think. I don't know if I want to ask Doug to the fair. I want to. Maybe I will ask him to help work at my mom and dad's booth with me. He is nice and I want to get to know him. I'm not going to rush into anything this year. I think I will wear my overalls and a pink blouse the first day of school.

....................................................

August 1976

I need you more
I need you now
I love you, baby.

Give me that smile
The one you first gave me
Give me that look
the one that I miss
Give me that vow, the one that you said you'd give me.
Let us be friends
For the rest of our lives.

I know now you menat nothing that you did.
It was all a fantasy, one that came from me.
I'll never be the same again until you say it's so.
That you'll never say another word again to me for that will be.

To Elton John-
I will never leave my thoughts alone until I see you there walking out the stage towards me. I don't care if you're old. Just give me the chance, the one I've always wanted. Give me the smile the one that I need.

....................................................

September 1976

Don't let me give up my life. You know I don't believe in nothing.
For if it is wrong, tell me before it's too late.
Don't let me give up my mind to something that'll hurt me for you know I believe in Love.
If you only will tell me why you want what it will do to me. I don't know how it's said, just take my hand and pull me back.
'cause, Darling, don't let me waste my life on stupid dreams, and live my life for senseless things.
Oh, Darling, don't make me give up my life for something wrong, that won't work out.
Tell me at once and I will go and seek my dreams.
Darling, don't make me waste my life. You know I believe in something.

=======================

Okay, I am not sure what it was that I was going on about. I think that the last two entries are songs - at least they seem to have repetition and "rhyming" (kind of...)

I had crushes on almost every boy that glanced at me - and that included Elton John. I had posters all over my room and would dream about him. I believed I would marry him one day. 

Over my own discomfort over how I tear into my sisters during this period of time, I decided to call them something else. I love my sisters. They are all totally unique individuals. I have wonderful relationships with each of them. I cannot imagine losing them. I thought very little of them growing up. The love I feel for each of them now is the polar opposite of how I express myself in my early teen years.

I understand that this journal is a slow starter - but this has some similar themes - similar to my earliest writings in my one-year-five-year diary. The boy crushes - expressing love and switching quickly from crush to crush. These journals add hormones and sexual awakenings and the will to act on my urges. 

Another theme that I see here is the self-reflection - knowing somehow that I am alone - and using the journals to process. I see depression, and suicidal ideation. I see confusion over the actions and reactions of others. I misinterpret many social interactions in junior high and high school. 

I was a very awkward person. I still am, but I care so much less now. What a relief to not care.