Friday, September 10, 2010

Things I might look for (so as to tear down the walls) Part 2

Watch out when you start really wanting something. Having coffee with Cindy today, I asked her to order the children's book "Everybody knows what a dragon looks like" I told her I would write her a check. Thinking about it now I wonder "why?" I have read this book maybe ten times already. Do I really need to have it?

Watch out when things start making too much sense. I remember studying the book "You can live forever in paradise on Earth", with Chris Berger, the Jehovah's Witness. It all made perfect sense. The bible suddenly alive with interconnections. The trouble was not that the logic didn't make sense, but rather that I didn't believe in the existence of God.

I would snigger to myself as all these women and God fearing children would pray to this "Jehovah" to bless them. It kind of put a damper on things, not believing in God. So now I fear the end of the world awaiting the signs...knowing I will be one of those poor souls who will die and not live forever with all of them over in Stillwater. I wonder why it is that I believe in the end even though I can't believe in the guy who is supposed to bring all this about - I gotta watch that and not let it happen again.

3. Gotta watch those conspiracy theories that keep hatching in my brain. I sincerely doubt that the world knows something collectively that I just don't get. Who cares if Eric and Colleen are successful and going to church every god damned Sunday; that my parents on Wednesdays go for spontaneous drives down to Redwing for a bite to eat and to catch a view; or that Cindy and John are in league with hundreds of other adoptive parents of Korean children; and that Seven Eleven employees insist that I wear shoes or they won't serve me next time. I wonder why Powderhorn Park attracts the greatest number of single white women with black children and why I even wonder about such a trivial thing. And wonder why my daughter sits alone on the bus on the way home "with only Jim" (her backpack) to keep her company "sometimes he dances for me," she says. Why does Cris refuse to get out of bed if the TV is on on Saturday morning, and for that matter, My God, is He Invisible? The children, tip toeing into bed, touching me lightly on the shoulder "mom, mom" ten zillion times, it is hardly worth it to sleep pat eight o'clock.

4. Watch out when you think you're different than anyone else. I still watch my shadow when I walk, glance at my reflection while opening shiny doors, pick my nose when I am alone, masturbate while my husband is sleeping next to me late at night, Space out and not pay any attention to my surroundings when I am driving. When I read, I cannot hear the pleas for help from my children, I would rather sleep than fix dinner for my family, sometimes fantasize about extramarital affairs but doubt I could ever go through with it, read other people's mail, eavesdrop on others conversations, think I am really any fucking different than anyone else? Ha, what a laugh! Can I change and be on the outside looking in: probably not.

5. Watch out when you want to give up out of hopelessness.


I feel overwhelming hopelessness now. The sadness is oppressive. It presses on me - I push it away, robotic-ly. I have things to do. Do them. I can't. Too much to do. This list is a list of awareness. Of how I differed from those around me, yet, I wasn't all that different. I am human after all. All of us Aspergians are. I will try to take up the blog again now that school started again. Hold me to it.

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