At the landscape arboretum

I have jumped journals again. I have the next journal in the series following my blog from March 26th "I still don't understand..." This is the visual journal I spoke of getting. There is a slight overlap of dates. I am just ending my first year at MCAD. Cris has given up his own apartment, moving in with me because he couldn't pay all his bills. I am 24 years old. My children are 6, 4 and 8 months.


May (15) 1987
At the landscape arboretum today. I came alone right after class. I will roam about looking for a spot to film possibly besides that I can be alone and relax, be close to nature - well, not that close but close enough to experience a meditation, a communion with the earth. I bought this pen and notebook to begin to record my surroundings without so many words - they seem to bog me down and get in the way - I feel I must stop relying so heavily on them.

Boys perplex me....

March 28, 1982

I have a lot to write down so I am going to skip around a bit.

Aja is talking so much lately as of today she says: Ball (bha), Pop (bop), Juice (jewsh), Bath (bah), Gramma (dhadwa), Baby (bahbah), Cheese (cheesh), Hot (haa), Brr (as in cold - bwww), Foot (fuh), Nose (no), Jump (jah jah jah in rapid succession), What's that? (wazah), Goodbye (quite clearly). She says other words too but I can't isolate them all.

Aja is learning to run now and she runs so fast (about as fast as my normal walking pace) that she bumps into obstructions like walls, the desk, her table, even the door (when it is shut!). She is learning things so fast now, mostly words are her main concern, every day she learns something new. Today we were reading Tuffy the Tugboat (my name for it) and we went over the same words for about 5 minutes - boy, basket, boat and kitty (Kitty is another word she already knows - she says kiggy). She found the basket because it is in another of her books "50 Words to Grow On". Every time we come to that page with the basket she points at it and I say "Easter basket". Boy, does she get a kick out of that!

She is learning the parts if the body although she cannot say the words, she understands eye, nose, ear, foot, and belly button. When I tell her that there is a baby in my stomach, she points at my belly button and then lifts her shirt up and finds hers! Oh well, she is just going to have to wait until June to find out about the baby.

I am going to deliver at St. John's hospital in St. Paul. I just changed doctors. My new doctor is named Dr. Kuhlenkemp. What a funny name. He seems very competent and I am satisfied with him unlike Stratte. I didn't know if he really knew what he was doing.

Well, Aja woke up from her nap and we took a shower. She never took a shower before and she seemed to be a bit confused, but she put the stopper in so the water got deep and she sat in it while I got dressed. Then she hesitantly got out.

 March 29, 1982

Well, I really wanted to say a bit about the baby to come. Cris and I are considering naming her Bailey if she is a girl or Harrison if he is a boy. I don't really care what sex the baby is, but a girl would be nice because I had one girl and I know how to handle girls. Boys perplex me. They have different requirements - especially in the diaper region. That is one consideration - I am not saying that I couldn't learn, of course I could. Another reason in favor of a girl would be that since Aja and this baby would be so close in age, two girls would seem to be closer friends than a boy and girl.

This baby (going on to other things) kicks a lot. It seems to be more active than Aja was. Yesterday, he or she reached my ribs. Now I will be in discomfort for as long as the baby is inside of me. My back doesn't hurt unless I sit "funny" for a long period of time, which I try to avoid doing. I can't stand for long periods of time because my feet get all tingly but I can walk long distances.

I am constantly getting contractions. It kind of worries me because I wouldn't want the baby to come too soon. The doctor seems unsure of when the baby is due. maybe he will do an ultrasound on me. That would be nice. I liked that with Aja - and you get a picture! And of course they can see how the baby is doing.

I am looking forward to having this baby - maybe it is sheer insanity. I know how much work a baby is - not to say how much Aja and another baby will be, but still I am waiting. I have gone over all my notes on labor and that sort of thing. I am confident I can deliver without medication. Although, I would ask for something if my bags of waters (sic - lol) doesn't break like the last time. Of course we will take pictures and I will bring this book to the hospital and write down how everything went.

Wow, that is pretty funny. A list of words Aja can say. I think I should ask her to bring her baby book over sometime - I can show you how obsessive I was at listing everything about her life: first band-aid, first time she watched me cross the room, first  nail clipping, etc...

I am amused about my childish ideas about baby boys and their mysterious "diaper regions". I actually am laughing out loud. The same immature thinking really shows when I explain to my 14 month old child that there is a baby inside me. I am sure she was riveted by my explanations. I talk to babies and children as if they are adults. Anthony says I do, at least. I try to reason with them like they understand my arguments pro or con against having some cereal before a bite of yogurt, or whatever. Last weekend, ianthe scolded me for snatching a ball away from Sienna before she could take it from her brother. "Real mature mom. She is only two years old." 

When I do stuff like that, I am not even thinking. I am just acting on impulse. I make a decision. For example, "Sammie will like to go on top of the cupboards." I grab Sammie and thrust her upwards, over my head, up towards the top of the cupboards. Sammie doesn't particularly want to go up top the cupboards at the moment. She has been happily grooming herself near the hot air vent. Anthony catches me forcing the cat to climb to the top of the cupboards. "Put the cat down, Susan!" I can't stop. I am singular-minded. "Susan, Stop! Put the cat down!" Cat scratches and bites. There is much damage. Blood runs down my forearms and drips from my elbows. Then Anthony gives me the "Please wash those wounds carefully. Why did you think that was a good idea?" lecture. I feel confused because I don't know why I was trying to force the cat to climb the cupboards. It just seemed like a good idea at the time. I am in physical pain and want Anthony to comfort me, not lecture me. He helps me apply the bandages.

I remember reading the books and discussing things with Aja, then with the other kids too as they were growing up. I repeated things over and over again. I am like a parrot. I find comfort in repetition. I could read the same book over and over to my children. I would have it memorized. I wouldn't even have to look at the words. I continue to have the same conversation again and again with my grandchildren. I say the same thing over and over again to my students. Repetition is my friend. Before leaving the house for work, I look at one of the cats, and seriously announce that it is "in charge" for the day.

Since I am on Spring break, I took Anthony out for lunch today. I told him about yesterday's post. How I was frustrated that Aja spoke and squealed. I recalled that my mother was pretty angry that I had named my child "Aja". She had never heard the name before, so that made it unacceptable to her. She had called me the a couple days after I had taken Aja home from the hospital. She asked, "What are you calling the baby?" of course, I thought she was hoping that I had decided to call her by her middle name "Sue". I defensively answered, "Aja, what else would I call her". I remember that. I remember how weird it was to say. Cris was at school during the day, so I spent the majority of my time alone in silence with the baby. I didn't call her anything. I stared at her. I stared at all my babies. Why would I talk to them? They couldn't understand me.

I still don't understand...

May 26, 1987

Many things have happened. I don't know what I wrote last time or when but I decided not to look back. I bought this book I think in January this year and now half way through the year I have bought another! Fancy that - my last book took me from September 1981 until December 1987 - most of Aja's life. Well it goes to show you what influence people have over the lives of others. Here's Phebe Hanson telling me to write. I resisted and the pressure was there, she never even was phased. She just was so calm. I write now because of this, because of her patience and understanding , because she is wonderful.

I have learned so much lately. I still don't understand the cause of the heaviness on my heart. I don't understand the weird dreams of killing the kids that I drew in my visual journal. The decapitated heads floating down the creek. The blown away faces on thin, small bodies, and more. I sense I must have dreamt more. I feel it right now, a heaviness on my heart. weighing me down, foreboding something. Who knows?

Driving down the highway on the way to Bayport on Saturday or was it Sunday, I thought of how if we were all to die here, not by nuclear means or anything, but if our civilization was to pass away now, gradually dwindle into nothing, and still survivors elsewhere, and our cities would become lost and overgrown. Highways would begin to crack and trees would crack them further and houses would be lost to one another by the trees and brush and it would be untouched until thousands of years from now people would rediscover this place and wonder about us. Tell stories. Write romantic books about our lives. Make assumptions such as we do about the importance of such things as peoples who lived eons and eons ago. Egyptians, Sumerians, Greeks, Mongolians, Aborigines, Mayans, everyone. It would be all wonderful to discover such a place but it is lost to us. We plunder and can not leave well enough alone. We cannot look and not plunder, to set aside some discoveries for the future inhabitants. It is so stupid that we don't even think about this sort of thing. This is another a priori of man (A priori knowledge or justification is independent of experience - I had to look it up. I am not sure what I meant when I used this term). That the idea of us looking into the future is inevitable because it has been done and we can do nothing to change this within us now.

June 3, 1987

Cris and I went to the library downtown today. I had never been there before. Cindy watched Harrison and ianthe so we could be free without children running around.

We both got a whole bunch of books. I got books on Love and addiction, Ed Gein the murderer, schizophrenia and tried to get a book on self-hypnosis but couldn't find one. That library was very larger. We went out to eat at the Lotus afterward. That was nice.

We seem to not be able to talk while eating. Weird problem. I think the television must be moved out of the kitchen to remedy the situation. We look at each other occasionally but we don't talk.

A few weeks of silence should help us learn to talk while eating again.

That's it. I'll try to move it tomorrow. I think everyone will go into shock. Oh my god! What about WKRP? Oh well, sacrifices, sacrifices!