Now, I'm in control

April 22, 1986

Cris and the kids, my two problems in life to deal with.

The kids are just pigs - PIGS! I have taken all their toys away, still it is messy. I can't stand it!

Cris doesn't like to stay overnight because of the kids - they drive him up the wall. In my next house, I will take the bedroom so he can have some peace in the morning.

I need to make some money - desperately. I need a house - desperately.

May 16, 1986

Cris wouldn't even be around if it weren't for the kids.

I don't even know why I want him. Probably because its easier - it looks better.

I don't understand it.

What I really should do is just let it rest. It's been about a year since Cris and I haven't been friends. I should just get over him. I don't really need him at all. The kids do - but I don't. I really don't. It would be better if I didn't pursue this relationship any longer.

It's just making me sick.

May 19, 1986

Now, I'm in control.

I see my struggle with being a young mother of three children. We lived in absolute poverty. All of our clothes were hand me downs (thanks fav sis!). I had been a vegetarian for five years by this time. I shopped at Cub occasionally, but often bought bulk at the coop down the street. We ate "eggs in a nest" (Red beans in a bed of rice) and "tofu balls" YUM! (Still my favorite and only way to eat tofu). Lentils and rice were a staple, as was spaghetti. We ate a lot of oatmeal too. I visited the food shelf - so there were lots of canned vegetables - I still love canned green beans, but Anthony does not, so I don't buy them anymore. 

Once I bought creamed corn instead of corn - Cris had a fit - freaked out about it. Yelled about how I never looked at things when I bought them. I didn't think it was such a bad surprise - I like creamed corn. I still find that I will buy strange things. 

That is because I have difficulty seeing the trees because I am looking at either their bark or the entire forest. I see a wall of canned foods. I grab a can - not noticing if it is the same as the can next to it - that is how I think. I am distracted by the wrong details sometimes. It is pretty hard to explain - because it sounds like it should be easy for someone who sees patterns and details so clearly to be much more selective.

In the grocery store, I see canned tomatoes section (here is the forest). I see a variety of tomatoes on the shelf, diced... stewed... petite diced... whole... crushed... paste... flavored... (these are the trees). What can I make with these lovely tomatoes? Possibly some of the them are on sale - then the sale signs distract me (this is the bark - the details). I scan the shelf, looking at prices. I start to lose sight of the purpose (my meal). I am easily swayed by the lowest price. Now I grab products based upon the shelf labels. Actually, I am not sure how I grab the wrong item. I do it. I don't know how. I only know that I do.

My difficulty in "seeing" extends to my classroom. I have so much trouble remembering names. I used to think it was because I had so many girls, and they all look the same to me. Now I realize that it is anyone that doesn't stand out. If you have an odd name, engage me in conversation, like cats - I am likely to remember your name. Don't speak to me, silently move through my surroundings - I will never know you, I will never remember your name. Sometimes I will remember your nameless face, but in the same way that I remember the face of the nameless lady at the check out counter at the corner store. 

I believe I am "face blind" and see only details like hair and people's mouths. I spend lots of time staring at people's mouths. I am mesmerized by them, distracted by the movement of teeth and gums, tongues and lips. Adults with Asperger's have a particular problem reading facial expressions, and body language. Being a visual person doesn't give me a better grasp of what I see when I look at another person. People are objects within my field of vision. There isn't anything "special" about them other than they are usually in my way. /wink

 A forest of canned tomatoes - don't be distracted by the sale signs!