Year 4: My One Year Diary

1976
(I am 13 years old. I am in 8th grade.)

1/1
My New Year's resolution this year is to fill in empty pages and tell about my love life and play hard to get.

1/2
Today was a bummer. I didn't go to the "Y" to see Roy.

1/3
Went to the "Y" today. Roy wasn't there. He went on vacation. Signed up for Junior Leaders and going to Overnight to work tonight. Well I went there made friends with Paul and I slept with him! I don't know if I should like Paul or Roy both like me. We only slept two hours. I was awake and held on to his arm. When we woke up I found out he wasn't asleep at all. I went home to sleep it off Saturday.

1/4
Well, I slept all day but my mom woke me up at 5 cause she said if I didn't get up I wouldn't go to sleep tonight. She was right. I washed my hair and took a bath and Julie made brownies but my dad made us go to bed so I think I'll sneak down and get some. I decided to like Paul. Roy got more to choose from than I do. I'm glad I didn't write here (meaning on this page) before.

1/5
I feel kind of feel guilty. I don't know why I said I would like Paul. Today I decided on Roy. He's more my age and likes me better. I talked my mom into letting me go to the "Y" today. Roy wanted me to go. I'm going tomorrow after school (I hope!) I hope John ain't mad at me. I don't want to sit by him. He's too short. Maureen will be happy cause she don't like John much. Boy come to think of it, I am happy I really like Roy.

5/10
Roy Newton likes me again I think. I hope he does. I am getting a new shirt. We now have judo on Thursdays too. I missed the Junior Olympics yesterday but I can go into the Junior National. Oh well. I better Practice. Bye.

8/12 and 8/13
I went up to Dawn McKay's cabin today to spend the night with her and another girl named Laurie. There was a super hunk of a guy who kept calling me chicken. We were sitting around in the cabin and we pushed him off the bed and we were tickling him, and Dawn and Laurie wanted to make a fire. So I got in the sleeping bag with him and he blew at me and all of a sudden we were making out. Frenching! He got to...1st 3 times (during about 7 hours of time), 2nd  3 times (during the whole time), 3rd 8 times. And we were on a bed at his cabin where we made out before. Well he almost got a home run. He had his pants down and so did I and he was just going to do it (And I was chicken to say anything) when Dawn called! Friday the 13th isn't so bad!

8/18
Today was really great. I finally know what's happening! A senior asked me out I said no but he was cute. His name was Terry O'Brien and when I went babysitting (Amy) it wasn't hard to talk to a guy named Jimmy. I don't know why but I finally feel needed and wanted. I am very happy, thanks Life I thought I didn't need you there for a minute.

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As a teenager with (undiagnosed) Asperger's, I obviously felt out of place in the world. Although I didn't tell the tale yesterday, I developed an entire second identity at camp to escape the confines of my life and who I was. I sought out friends. I latched onto anyone who would accept me. I was eager to participate in the dating game being played around me. I was awkward in my attempts to communicate with boys. I was socially inept, cracking "jokes" that made no sense. 

Reading the entries in my diary makes me aware that my friends knew I was desperate for any attention from anyone - especially a boy. The two "best friends" preyed upon my vulnerability, teasing me and setting me up to become the butt of their pranks. I lacked the insight needed to understand the sarcasm in their voices. I could not tell they were teasing me. I was completely unaware of my shortcomings when it comes to gauging a social situation. 

I am aware that most of my life, I came across as a know-it-all (I am sure I still do). I am quick to imply that I am an expert in any subject that I am interested in. I am quick to make sure people know that I am better than they are - that they are lucky that I grant them attention. My inability to understand social cues added to the confusion I felt when people rejected me.

After the last entry above, there are a couple entries from 1977 in which I describe multiple partner sexual encounters. I relay the things that the boys would say to me "I like you as a playmate, not as a girlfriend" "You are a good friend". I report that my sister said I was "Horny" and that "I believe it, but I can't help it". I was sincerely confused by the sexual encounters that ended with the boys ignoring me when they saw me again.

At the same time that I was trying to fit into my peer group, I was racking up credits to graduate from high school. I was so terribly unhappy, and had several extra credits as a result of attending French camp for credit, I planned to graduate early. My oldest sister had done it before me, so it wasn't too difficult to talk my parents into enrolling me in an English correspondence course at the University of MN. 

Thinking about the immaturity of the entries above. Imagine three years from this time, I will be unleashed into the world. In the three months I spent as a college student, living on my own, I had no friends. I was preyed upon and played by a man who impregnated me. His girlfriend beat me up. I miscarried. I met Cris, and finally was betrayed by my psychiatrist and was thrown out of school and my parents home. The last three months of 1979 - a fast ride into chaos. I was so incredibly immature. I am glad I spent 4 days of blog entries on my small red diary. In its pages, I grow from child to confused teenager. It puts "me" in perspective for "you" to understand the disaster that I call my life.