what do I want to say?

May 12, 1987

School's out in a few days. Summer should be a great break. Some things I really want to accomplish are...

• Get to know Sue: who I am, what I want, what I am about, where I am going.
• Get control of ME: body wise. no smoking, exercising, stop nail biting, dream understanding.
• Work: Work hard, work long, work steady - possibilities - Norman Anderson, Halle, other...
• Reading: "The Devils", "Natasha Novastoska", "Memoirs from the House of the Dead", "War and Peace", And many others!
• Drawing: visual journal type thing - right here in this book - get to know myself - what do I want to say?

When I was young. I looked at the plans for a house that was never built.

Cris is gone on Vacation

I skipped these entries earlier because I was ashamed. I refuse to be ashamed for my lack of understanding when I was a twenty-something. I remember looking out the window, with my children - they were just babies - the oldest not even in kindergarten - pointing at the people waiting at the bus stop. I told them, "Look at them! Mindlessly going about their lives on auto-pilot, never once thinking about what their place in the world really is. They just follow the expectations set before them. Sad little people." 

I never was a very nice person, I still am not. I have a sense of superiority. I look down upon, and judge people unfairly. I am quick to criticize. I am quick to anger. At the same time - and I have heard this about women/girls with Asperger's - I am very emotional. I cry easily now. I don't think I was quite so prone to tears as revenge as a young mother. I was evil. I enjoyed the fact that lies tripped easily off my tongue. I lie still, as easily. 

I skipped these entries earlier because I wanted to portray myself as a victim. I played almost (or just) as large a part in my troubles as my emotionally-vampiric adulterous husband did. I should write all the entries - and let you be the judge...

January 4, 1987

Cris is gone for the good part of two weeks - or maybe a week - or at least 10 days. I will miss him, but I am looking forward to his vacation.  It will be a good opportunity for me to get done some things that need doing. I need to take charge of my life - to go to the post office with Harris and ianthe while Aja is at school - mail all my letters and things like that...

I worked for Halle last week and made $56.00! I feel pretty good about it. I feel like taking out my machine and sewing somethings for Cris while he is gone to surprise him when he comes home.

I haven't bitten my nails for a few days and they already look pretty good. I wish to continue not biting them - self-control I need you right now.

"Is there anyone so wise as to learn by the experience of others?" - Voltaire

"The man who rows the boat generally doesn't have time to rock it."

January 4th is my oldest daughter's birthday. It seems that Cris decided to go away on the day Aja turned six, I can't remember if he left the day before, or after the cake. Was he actually "on vacation"? No, he was staying with another woman. I knew that. I tried to pretend that it didn't matter. I told him I would do anything, just as long as he didn't leave me.

February 2, 1987

Not much to say, I feel a bit depressed, I don't want to talk about groundhog day or candle mass day. I have lots of work to do - I must work and read and go to school. It seems endless - too much.

Cris is wonderful. He is so smooth like chalky butterscotch. His hair grows from his body delicately from each pore - the same color as his chalky skin. Matte features and skin. Wonderful. He is so fun and nice to be with of late. He is fun to joke and laugh with. I'm not feeling as inferior with  him anymore either. Remember Sue to work on self-control and build up your self-esteem or confidence. Someday I will be a confident woman.

/cringe

Fish in my dream (wedge)

This is the strangest book I found. It starts off as a letter to myself. Then I record three days worth of dreams. There is no analysis, only the facts. This represents my tendency to start and then stop doing things. My children can attest to this annoying trait in me.

Dated Monday April 27, 1987

Dear Sue,

I've been meaning to convert this book onto a dream/journal/thought/struggle book for a few days now. Having listened to Phebe Hanson read excerpts from Eugene Delecroix's journal/diary I am inspired to do just this. I want to assure or make a contract with myself to write only for myself. I want to write with total honesty and not think too much about what I am putting down on these pages.

I woke up this morning with a vague work/refresh/vibrant feeling - could not have been from lots of sleep - could only have been from a dream. The only thing I can recall is a wide hallway with light (white?) files lining the walls.

Feeling happy today. Feeling like I want to and must live up to my responsibilities. Feeling like I want to do the best I can because I am worth it. Sue, you are a good person. I love you.

I did well, finally for Herb Grika, in imaginary architecture. He wanted us to experience astro-projection. I could not visualize anything but plunging and rising in the water. He wanted us to fly too fast - 10 seconds to California! He has got to be kidding! I think I might try some of the same technique to experience something - vague feelings on what I can possibly experience - but do it so that it is possible for me to do it. I don't know, maybe it's just silly - well - maybe it's not for me - but just the same.

Dated Tuesday, April 28, 1987

DREAM: A horse head in the back of pickup truck appearing to float above its missing body. The truck is in a junkyard full of trucks like itself.

Dated Wednesday, April 29, 1987

DREAM: Building like window broken many stories high.

Dated Thursday, April 30, 1987

DREAM: Dog; man hole covers, things partitioning of the work area; the dog was like the kind on Orphan Annie...in an earlier dream that flashes back to me...I was laying next to this handsome dark-haired man. His shirt was off. I laid down close to his face, near his shoulder at his suggestion. We kissed slowly, nicely. Later (after not doing much else)Cris walked in the door. I covered up my body (Not Naked mind you) with a snoopy sheet. Cris angrily took me home. Another part of my dream...Wedge car, driving Aunt Mary to the corner, she got lost. I see her outside crawling in the dirt. I go to a store. It is identified as Grantsburg County Store. I am confused. I am not in Grantsburg. There is more to this dream but the thoughts are rapidly escaping me. Driving to school I remember another part of my dream...Standing, crouching outside of Julie's bedroom - listening to her conversation with herself. I have the room bugged. A crowd of people around me are applauding and congratulating me for my act. I am ashamed. I stop.