My heart must be set on something before I'll accomplish it

June 18, 1987

Thinking and more thinking about life career. I seem to always want to please those around me - Doctor  for my Dad but I dropped out for Cris, (well, actually - my parents pulled me out on the advice of a crooked psychiatrist) Tailor for Halle, Media Artist for Bonita Wahl, High school teacher for Herb Grika. My God, where does it end?

I really must figure out what it is that I personally would like to accomplish in my life. In terms of realistic - not unattainable - but realistic - calculated risks.

Well, first off, I really like the natural sciences. I am interested in chemistry to some extent - like brain and body chemistry - and I am interested in biology - the biology of all things - well, mammals and especially in concern with reproduction and infant and early child life.

I am capable of achieving anything I set my heart after. I am aware of that at least. It's just that I really must have my heart set on something before I'll really accomplish anything. Will becoming a Pediatrician really satisfy my life career? If everyone should die would I still be interested?

Help! Help me! Sue, you must help yourself - you must not let anything sway you to one side or another.

Well, I did let someone sway me: My dad.

My father was a doctor. His specialty was Family Practice. His dad was a doctor, so was his uncle. He was a good and kind man. He loved my mother and me and my siblings more than anything else. He always told us so.

He often told me a story, of when he was in high school. He was confused and in love with my mother, but was unsure if what he was feeling was love (that sounds kind of Asperger's like doesn't it?) Well, anyway, he saw a psychologist, he always said his name, Dr. Kamman (Thanks Aja, for remembering his name!). This man told my dad that there were only 9 things that were truly important in a relationship.

My dad told me these nine things over and over. Even though he had told the tale to me before, he would trot out the tale at every opportunity. To confirm a relationship was "good", to suggest that a relationship "might not be right", or trying to console a broken heart.

Nine things that you need in order to have a successful relationship...

Companionship: you must enjoy spending time with this person. You must have things in common.
Understanding: You must understand and accept the object of your affection, as they should understand and accept you.
Trust: This is a two-way street. You start with trust and you can only lose it. Once trust is loss, it is very difficult to earn back.
Honesty: Be honest and expect honesty from your partner.
Respect: Respect your partner. You must be of similar "taste".
Loyalty: Be loyal to one another, that is key, no cheating!
Affection: show it! and expect to be shown affection.
Tolerance: You must tolerate some differences from yourself in your partner.
Physical: Attraction and physical affection are vital to a successful relationship.

I suspect now, as an Aspergian, that my dad was one too. He probably was able to navigate life as successfully as he did because of these "rules" and my mother. My father supplied the rules that I used to grow up - at least until I was a teenager, and then again after my bone marrow transplant. I was thirty by then, and ready to listen to him again. 

When I told my dad I was considering returning to pre-med we had a long talk about the state of the medical field. He was greatly discouraging. He said that unless the U.S. reformed the way health care was parceled out, that the medical field was no place to stake your future. My dad would be pleased with the historic Health Care Reform Legislation that was enacted under Obama's Administration.

So, no pre-med for me. That was good. I would have made a crappy doctor. Using his advice, I applied to the University of MN, College of Art Education.

92 degrees and sunny

Several pages from my visual journal. They relate to some earlier posts, so I am going to provide links to the corresponding dates. I hope these visual entries do not bore you...

May 14, 1987

The Gravity Race was an annual event at MCAD. This particular year, Newton's Apple (The KTCA series), was there filming. I was thrilled later when I was in some of the footage used on the show. The vehicle that I built was created solely by me. I give credit to Cris in the sketch above "Gravity Race Wednesday May 13th. Cris/Sue collaboration - Honorable mention $25.00! Tri-cube". I think that fact that Cris read my journals caused me to claim that he collaborated with me. He did help me paint it - but I designed and constructed the entire piece. This sketch was drawn the same day that is related in the post "I am a rich man".

May 15, 1987

This incident would stand out in my mind as recordable. I have a "thing" about people who spit. When I was a student at the University of River Falls in 1979, the sidewalk was spit upon by what I considered "farm boys". It gives me the willies. Eeww. Gross.

May 16, 1987

This gardening project was so fun! The kids and I were using spoons to loosen the soil. We planted seeds from a packet. Harrison and Aja held out their dirty hands, palms up to accept a couple of seeds at a time. We carefully watered our garden. The plants were just beginning to poke their heads out when the woman who lived downstairs tore up the garden and planted marigolds. Ouch!

May 17, 1987

My sister Anne lived where all the houses were made out of red brick. They were built close together. This sort of neighborhood made me nervous. I was and still am worried about houses that look too much alike. It frightens me to think I might knock on the wrong door. 

May 19, 1987

This sketch and the one below were both drawn on May 19th. This is a depiction of me cleaning the bathroom - that I complain about in the "I feel like a bitch" blog entry.

These unfortunate plants were also destroyed in the "Lady Downstairs plants marigold episode" ::sadface::

I am a rich man

May 14, 1987

Tomorrow is the last day of classes at MCAD before next fall - YEAH! I am very happy school is over. Summer I can do anything I want - just be me. Ahhhh RELIEF! I've been thinking about what I must do. I promised myself another journal (visual) that I must do certain things: exercise, read, work. I notice the state of the house - this also must be dealt with - DREAD - and a garage sale must happen soon. I want to do it all. I want to balance it all out. I should make a list of parceling out the things I wish to do so I don't burn out on any one thing.

Also it came to mind I must write in my journals - anything - I just have to write - write often and with passion - must learn all I can about myself this summer - and the only way to do that is to write my butt off.

My classes I preregistered for today seem interesting and I am pleased at the schedule - Tuesday and Friday only so I am free to work the other days.I am taking Photo one, Video one, Science of Behavior and a Chinese Art and Culture class. Good!

Bonita Wahl said I could help her at film in the Cities. High school students in July and early August four days a week - fun stuff. I can work for Halle and possibly Norman Anderson. I have a feeling he won't call me to work though so I am not waiting for him or anything. I want to write up a serious resume and cover letter and apply for some position - possibly just a stupid job somewhere.

I want to hurt my mind with writing - writing poetry and stories and just stuff.

I want to clean my house - sparkling clean - rid it of pests - no mice, no roaches - no excess!

I want to clean my body, no chemicals, exercise it - healthy.

I want to pick my brains - to know myself - inside and out. To be surprised at myself - to assure myself of my goodness - to feel whole and well. To gain control of myself. To be empowered. To be beautiful. To be well.

Reading "Memoirs from the House of the Dead" (Dostoevsky) and I am feeling horrid. I have a common cold. One thing that stands in my mind is this..."He wanted for nothing...lived like a rich man." I like this thought. It is true, you can live like a rich man if you do not desire what you cannot attain. If you do not feel sorry for yourself - you will be alright. Herb Grika said today that jealousy is when you react to something being taken from you, but envy is want for what you do not have. There is a supreme difference between the two. Envy can spur two people to action to attain what they do not have but if envy (and jealousy for that matter) are held in check then you arrive at the state where you live indeed as a rich man.

If you want not - or want not for anything - you are like a rich man - who is satisfied with his lot in life.

This journal entry seems pretty boring. I cringe reading it, remembering that I asked every one of my teachers for job leads. I had so little experience in the world. I asked the Art History professor if he had any work for me over the summer, he told me I could come clean his house. Yikes.

I understand now, 23 years later, that I was probably annoying them. One teacher, Herb Grika, openly despised me. He was the teacher that asked me what I wanted to do in life. When I answered that I wanted to teach at a college, he laughed at me. He said, "you should teach high school students". I think he was trying to tell me that I wasn't mature enough to teach at a university. I think he was trying to hurt my feelings. I actually left MCAD at the end of the Fall semester the following year as a result. Transferred to the University of Minnesota to get an Art Teaching degree and license. 

Teaching high school is a good and a bad fit for me. I like teenagers, but they react to "authority figures" warily. I yell at them, threaten them in cute ways, I am often misunderstood. I am abrasive and frightening. I am also very loved, many kids say I am their favorite teacher. I have a soft safe place in my heart for the awkward kids, the dark-siders, the emos, the special needs kids, the poor kids, the homeless kids, the native kids. I protect them. I watch them, help them with their schedules, advocate for them.

I believe that teaching is going to destroy me. I am a train wreck, running down the rails. I am an expert in my subject area, a leader in the district, and I hate my job. I hate it. I need a quiet place to work. I am looking at master's programs. I think Library and Information Science - with a focus on Digital Archiving. That sounds quiet doesn't it?

Fish in my dream (wedge)

This is the strangest book I found. It starts off as a letter to myself. Then I record three days worth of dreams. There is no analysis, only the facts. This represents my tendency to start and then stop doing things. My children can attest to this annoying trait in me.

Dated Monday April 27, 1987

Dear Sue,

I've been meaning to convert this book onto a dream/journal/thought/struggle book for a few days now. Having listened to Phebe Hanson read excerpts from Eugene Delecroix's journal/diary I am inspired to do just this. I want to assure or make a contract with myself to write only for myself. I want to write with total honesty and not think too much about what I am putting down on these pages.

I woke up this morning with a vague work/refresh/vibrant feeling - could not have been from lots of sleep - could only have been from a dream. The only thing I can recall is a wide hallway with light (white?) files lining the walls.

Feeling happy today. Feeling like I want to and must live up to my responsibilities. Feeling like I want to do the best I can because I am worth it. Sue, you are a good person. I love you.

I did well, finally for Herb Grika, in imaginary architecture. He wanted us to experience astro-projection. I could not visualize anything but plunging and rising in the water. He wanted us to fly too fast - 10 seconds to California! He has got to be kidding! I think I might try some of the same technique to experience something - vague feelings on what I can possibly experience - but do it so that it is possible for me to do it. I don't know, maybe it's just silly - well - maybe it's not for me - but just the same.

Dated Tuesday, April 28, 1987

DREAM: A horse head in the back of pickup truck appearing to float above its missing body. The truck is in a junkyard full of trucks like itself.

Dated Wednesday, April 29, 1987

DREAM: Building like window broken many stories high.

Dated Thursday, April 30, 1987

DREAM: Dog; man hole covers, things partitioning of the work area; the dog was like the kind on Orphan Annie...in an earlier dream that flashes back to me...I was laying next to this handsome dark-haired man. His shirt was off. I laid down close to his face, near his shoulder at his suggestion. We kissed slowly, nicely. Later (after not doing much else)Cris walked in the door. I covered up my body (Not Naked mind you) with a snoopy sheet. Cris angrily took me home. Another part of my dream...Wedge car, driving Aunt Mary to the corner, she got lost. I see her outside crawling in the dirt. I go to a store. It is identified as Grantsburg County Store. I am confused. I am not in Grantsburg. There is more to this dream but the thoughts are rapidly escaping me. Driving to school I remember another part of my dream...Standing, crouching outside of Julie's bedroom - listening to her conversation with herself. I have the room bugged. A crowd of people around me are applauding and congratulating me for my act. I am ashamed. I stop.