I have no self - no "I" - that I can claim to be my own

I have no self - no "I" - that I can claim to be my own. I feel the need to define it. It is necessary to me as an individual and in order to grow.

What I was...
I was born 5th in a family of 6.
The 3rd of 4 girls.
The girls older than me were ideal-types.
I lost my mother to a younger sister.
My father became mine - although he really wasn't enough.
I tried desperately as a child to gain my parents love - but I never seemed to get it.
Cris has taken my parents role in my fight to win unconditional love.
Cris, like my parents, will never give me the love I seek. The love I want has vanished. There is no way for me to regain the lost love.
I have things that are mine alone. I stole them from others.

Good Susan
I learned easily in school.
Funny - I can't think of anything else to label "good Susan".

Bad Susan
I've always thought of myself as "bad". Cindy and Julie were my opposites. Cindy being directly opposite and Julie was more of a hybrid of us, but closer to Cindy than to me.

Anne doesn't fit into my scale. She has totally different viewpoints. I cannot relate to her at all.

Sexual Feelings
Doing socially unacceptable things
Slut behavior as teenager
Easily aroused - selfishness
Knew/know I don't want to be "caught"

Eaves Dropping
Listening to others conversations
Reading (Cris's) letters/journals/anything
Going out of my way to watch
Coming up with fanciful interpretations

Plotting
Gathering information and then altering plans
Going out of my way (Mileage, financially)
Generally deceitful and sneaky

Procrastinating
Make too many plans
Never motivated
All energy spent on above behavior
Just don't care about some things

What I can become...
a poor welfare mother - totally dependent either on welfare or husband.
a film maker - camera person. Unattached, full of energy.
a school teacher - teaching video. Full of ideas and encouragement.
a clothing designer - working for a Minneapolis pattern maker.
a doctor - dedicated to helping the poor. Also good family member.
a researcher - looking for secrets - working for a Noble prize.
a medical reformer. Changing the U.S. into a socialized public health plan.

If I can rid myself of dependence I could be very successful.

Where do my values lie?

Sexual
I think it best to only have one lover at a time.
I think it is OK to be kinky - but only with someone you know very well.
It is not OK to talk about sexual happenings with people not directly involved.
Love and Sex seem very caught up with one another.

Where am I going wrong?
When I have sex I want to be satisfied (I'm very selfish).
I feel lost and at one with the world - my boundaries fall down when I have an orgasm. This is my symbiosis experience hence sexual activity is very important to me. This is one area that I might be able to change from a negative to a positive. But it will take lots of work.

Things I am not good at (but do anyway)

• I am not an artist.
• I am not a philosopher.
• I don't enjoy "reading into" things.
• I am not into occult religion.
• I am not the best photographer.
• I am not good at "hanging out".

Eavesdropping and playing private eye goes against my better judgment.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

I find it very interesting to read this "self-evaluation" of my 24 year old self. As an older version of this person, I see how similar and how different we are. I was very concerned with my "sexual" behavior - that is very clear in this assessment. I wondered out loud about the statement that I made about wanting to be (sexually) "satisfied". Could it be that Cris taught me that it was a selfish desire on my part? (But of course not on his...) Humans are sexual beings after all. 

I am surprised by how much I haven't changed. I still analyze the heck out of my actions, except now I do it in my head, or muttering to myself, or discussing possibilities with my cats. 

In the section titled "What I can become": I like to edit movies - especially my grand kids. I am a teacher. I do teach video. I still love to sew and design things. I have a business license for LeetLootz - so if I suddenly decide to sell my creations, I am ready to go. I am interested in a career change - to become a researcher of sorts - an Archivist - discovering new things. I am an active member of Organizing for America - I sent several letters to congressmen, made interesting posts to compel others to press for Health care reform. I even had a half hour discussion with one of John Kline's staff, explaining my views to him. I believe I made a compelling argument. 

So out of my "list of what I could become", Out of seven possibilities, I have become (or still want to become) FIVE of them. I am actually amazed at my insight into my core  being.

The list of "Things I am not good at (but do anyways)": I agree with the list of things I still despise. After my bone marrow transplant that I had to celebrate my 30th birthday (oh - and to save my life from Hodgekin's Lymphoma), I stopped pretending. The only thing on the list that I still do, begrudgingly, is "hang out", although there has to be a compelling reason to do so.

Only one more thing to address. I say that I cannot relate to my sister Anne at all. I can now. I couldn't when I was younger. She is very critical and judgmental. After I accepted her judgment, we got along. She was my best friend growing up. I played with her all the time. Actually, we played "next" to each other - parallel play - a signature of Aspergians. After my diagnosis, and learning what parts of my personality are Asperger effects, I turned the lens outwards, towards my family. I believe that out of the six children my parents had, three of us are Aspergians, my younger sister and the younger of my brothers. I have three children. I believe all three have Asperger's Disorder. One of them has just received a positive diagnosis.

Welcome to Team Awesome, Banana Pan!

what do I want to say?

May 12, 1987

School's out in a few days. Summer should be a great break. Some things I really want to accomplish are...

• Get to know Sue: who I am, what I want, what I am about, where I am going.
• Get control of ME: body wise. no smoking, exercising, stop nail biting, dream understanding.
• Work: Work hard, work long, work steady - possibilities - Norman Anderson, Halle, other...
• Reading: "The Devils", "Natasha Novastoska", "Memoirs from the House of the Dead", "War and Peace", And many others!
• Drawing: visual journal type thing - right here in this book - get to know myself - what do I want to say?

When I was young. I looked at the plans for a house that was never built.

Alexander John was born yesterday

June 6, 1982

Alexander John was born yesterday (actually on the 4th close to midnight). He was 11 pounds 8 ounces and 23-3/4 inches long! That is awfully large. Mary had a C-Section because the baby was posterior as opposed to anterior (posterior is when the baby's spine is on the same side as mom's - and anterior is the baby's spine is towards the mother's abdomen - which is the way babies usually are - it is easier to deliver them because that is the way the baby bends!)

We are going to see him tonight. My mom says he is really cute. I believe it. Aja was just beautiful and I would hope all of her cousins were cute!

Well, on to our baby...

I went to the doctor the other day and he said that he thinks the baby will be breech. He said he would let me deliver it normally if it is a frank breech, but if the feet come first there will be a problem and he will have to do a cesarean. I don't want that. i am still hopeful that he or she will turn around and not give me any problems. I still have six weeks to go (or so). We have decided on names for the baby - Zen Harris or Maya (no middle name as of yet). We know our parents and family are not going to like Zen Harris as a name but they didn't like Aja either. We are the ones that we have to please and we both like it! and Maya is a very pretty name and it is also East Indian like Aja. It means "Creative Power". I like that. Oh by the way, the doctor did an ultrasound and found that the baby is due on the 22nd of July. I thought you might want to know that.

We have rearranged our house seeing that we are guaranteed another six months here. We put our living room into our dining room, our dining room on our porch and our work area is in our living room. Aja's bedroom was rearranged and the new baby's dresser was put in there and filled with baby clothes. We are awaiting the crib to put back there so Aja can get used to it.

We are going to rearrange our bedroom so it can accommodate the cradle but we have to wait for Alexander John to grow out of it (which won't be long!) Moving the house around makes it easier to clean and when someone comes to the door and if I was feeding the baby I wouldn't have to panic. We even have a telephone in our living room, just like real people! Anyways, I really like our "new" house and we are all awaiting anxiously its new tenant. It is up to he or she to decide when to come.

July 1, 1982

Yesterday I got my permit and even went for a little ride out back of Bayport. What fun! I only got one wrong on the test - oh well - so I scored 96.We went on the 29th of June to Target and got a carseat for the new baby and a potty chair for Aja. She is so smart. I am sure she will start using it soon. She has started going to sleep by herself in her crib. I hope I will be able to leave her in there awake by the time the baby comes. Well the crib is all set up in Aja's room and the bottles are sterilized and the diapers are awaiting use. My hospital bag is packed and the going home clothes are too. When I went to see the doctor the other day he said the baby is already around six pounds and if I carry it to term it will be SEVEN pounds! Wow! That is Normal! I hope I have this baby soon - in about two weeks from now would be perfect.

I got a stretch mark from this kid on my right hip - how disappointing! I hope I don't get another one. I am so uncomfortable. I'm much larger than I was with Aja. The large baby makes me think that it's a boy - but still I think it may be a girl - but we are going to know before it is born, because it is breech and I believe there isn't a chance in the world that it will turn over.

Aja is really quite the talker now. She is into saying firetruck and then saying "ooooo" like a siren. She can say car (sounds like tar) and teeth. She clearly says Bye, Eye and Hi. She went into the bedroom yesterday and told her dad, "Butter". She was sitting in my lap (I was going to the bathroom) and she pointed at her potty chair and said, "Potty" I said, "Yes, very good!" Then she pointed down at me and said, "Potty". "Very good, Aja!" Then to top it off she pulled at her diaper and said "Potty". Now that's pretty smart I think!

Some new words include Balloon (Hot air balloons have been flying around all summer), Plane, Bug, Bird (This is not new but she uses it frequently and correctly), Wind, Cookie, Apple, and she is learning Candy.

Aja went swimming at Bayport Beach and she really loved it. We carry around her bathtub around in the car and she uses it as a pool at Grandpa Norm's house, down in Bayport, and at Grandma and Grandpa's house.

On the 9th we are going to David and Mary's house to baby-, dog-, and house-sit for a few days. It will be good practice for me and kind of a dress rehearsal for Aja. We will see how she likes a baby around - her moods and so forth so we can be prepared!

I wonder who I am writing to. It seems like I am writing a letter to someone, don't you think? I thought for a minute there I would get to an entry without another list. Nope. Another list of new words. I think I was saving words just as I saved my children's scribbles. All of them. I threw out a whole bunch, but I am cleaning out under the stairs and I found a lot more. How many scribbles would you find interesting? One or two? How about 12? It is hard to let them go. But I am going to do my best.

I like that I took a small part in my journal to mention the birth of my nephew Alex. How very generous of me - lol. His dad will become a grandparent in May for the first time. I am anxiously awaiting news of the arrival of "Baby Girl Fixx". Grow baby grow!

Boys perplex me....

March 28, 1982

I have a lot to write down so I am going to skip around a bit.

Aja is talking so much lately as of today she says: Ball (bha), Pop (bop), Juice (jewsh), Bath (bah), Gramma (dhadwa), Baby (bahbah), Cheese (cheesh), Hot (haa), Brr (as in cold - bwww), Foot (fuh), Nose (no), Jump (jah jah jah in rapid succession), What's that? (wazah), Goodbye (quite clearly). She says other words too but I can't isolate them all.

Aja is learning to run now and she runs so fast (about as fast as my normal walking pace) that she bumps into obstructions like walls, the desk, her table, even the door (when it is shut!). She is learning things so fast now, mostly words are her main concern, every day she learns something new. Today we were reading Tuffy the Tugboat (my name for it) and we went over the same words for about 5 minutes - boy, basket, boat and kitty (Kitty is another word she already knows - she says kiggy). She found the basket because it is in another of her books "50 Words to Grow On". Every time we come to that page with the basket she points at it and I say "Easter basket". Boy, does she get a kick out of that!

She is learning the parts if the body although she cannot say the words, she understands eye, nose, ear, foot, and belly button. When I tell her that there is a baby in my stomach, she points at my belly button and then lifts her shirt up and finds hers! Oh well, she is just going to have to wait until June to find out about the baby.

I am going to deliver at St. John's hospital in St. Paul. I just changed doctors. My new doctor is named Dr. Kuhlenkemp. What a funny name. He seems very competent and I am satisfied with him unlike Stratte. I didn't know if he really knew what he was doing.

Well, Aja woke up from her nap and we took a shower. She never took a shower before and she seemed to be a bit confused, but she put the stopper in so the water got deep and she sat in it while I got dressed. Then she hesitantly got out.

 March 29, 1982

Well, I really wanted to say a bit about the baby to come. Cris and I are considering naming her Bailey if she is a girl or Harrison if he is a boy. I don't really care what sex the baby is, but a girl would be nice because I had one girl and I know how to handle girls. Boys perplex me. They have different requirements - especially in the diaper region. That is one consideration - I am not saying that I couldn't learn, of course I could. Another reason in favor of a girl would be that since Aja and this baby would be so close in age, two girls would seem to be closer friends than a boy and girl.

This baby (going on to other things) kicks a lot. It seems to be more active than Aja was. Yesterday, he or she reached my ribs. Now I will be in discomfort for as long as the baby is inside of me. My back doesn't hurt unless I sit "funny" for a long period of time, which I try to avoid doing. I can't stand for long periods of time because my feet get all tingly but I can walk long distances.

I am constantly getting contractions. It kind of worries me because I wouldn't want the baby to come too soon. The doctor seems unsure of when the baby is due. maybe he will do an ultrasound on me. That would be nice. I liked that with Aja - and you get a picture! And of course they can see how the baby is doing.

I am looking forward to having this baby - maybe it is sheer insanity. I know how much work a baby is - not to say how much Aja and another baby will be, but still I am waiting. I have gone over all my notes on labor and that sort of thing. I am confident I can deliver without medication. Although, I would ask for something if my bags of waters (sic - lol) doesn't break like the last time. Of course we will take pictures and I will bring this book to the hospital and write down how everything went.

Wow, that is pretty funny. A list of words Aja can say. I think I should ask her to bring her baby book over sometime - I can show you how obsessive I was at listing everything about her life: first band-aid, first time she watched me cross the room, first  nail clipping, etc...

I am amused about my childish ideas about baby boys and their mysterious "diaper regions". I actually am laughing out loud. The same immature thinking really shows when I explain to my 14 month old child that there is a baby inside me. I am sure she was riveted by my explanations. I talk to babies and children as if they are adults. Anthony says I do, at least. I try to reason with them like they understand my arguments pro or con against having some cereal before a bite of yogurt, or whatever. Last weekend, ianthe scolded me for snatching a ball away from Sienna before she could take it from her brother. "Real mature mom. She is only two years old." 

When I do stuff like that, I am not even thinking. I am just acting on impulse. I make a decision. For example, "Sammie will like to go on top of the cupboards." I grab Sammie and thrust her upwards, over my head, up towards the top of the cupboards. Sammie doesn't particularly want to go up top the cupboards at the moment. She has been happily grooming herself near the hot air vent. Anthony catches me forcing the cat to climb to the top of the cupboards. "Put the cat down, Susan!" I can't stop. I am singular-minded. "Susan, Stop! Put the cat down!" Cat scratches and bites. There is much damage. Blood runs down my forearms and drips from my elbows. Then Anthony gives me the "Please wash those wounds carefully. Why did you think that was a good idea?" lecture. I feel confused because I don't know why I was trying to force the cat to climb the cupboards. It just seemed like a good idea at the time. I am in physical pain and want Anthony to comfort me, not lecture me. He helps me apply the bandages.

I remember reading the books and discussing things with Aja, then with the other kids too as they were growing up. I repeated things over and over again. I am like a parrot. I find comfort in repetition. I could read the same book over and over to my children. I would have it memorized. I wouldn't even have to look at the words. I continue to have the same conversation again and again with my grandchildren. I say the same thing over and over again to my students. Repetition is my friend. Before leaving the house for work, I look at one of the cats, and seriously announce that it is "in charge" for the day.

Since I am on Spring break, I took Anthony out for lunch today. I told him about yesterday's post. How I was frustrated that Aja spoke and squealed. I recalled that my mother was pretty angry that I had named my child "Aja". She had never heard the name before, so that made it unacceptable to her. She had called me the a couple days after I had taken Aja home from the hospital. She asked, "What are you calling the baby?" of course, I thought she was hoping that I had decided to call her by her middle name "Sue". I defensively answered, "Aja, what else would I call her". I remember that. I remember how weird it was to say. Cris was at school during the day, so I spent the majority of my time alone in silence with the baby. I didn't call her anything. I stared at her. I stared at all my babies. Why would I talk to them? They couldn't understand me.

I am a rich man

May 14, 1987

Tomorrow is the last day of classes at MCAD before next fall - YEAH! I am very happy school is over. Summer I can do anything I want - just be me. Ahhhh RELIEF! I've been thinking about what I must do. I promised myself another journal (visual) that I must do certain things: exercise, read, work. I notice the state of the house - this also must be dealt with - DREAD - and a garage sale must happen soon. I want to do it all. I want to balance it all out. I should make a list of parceling out the things I wish to do so I don't burn out on any one thing.

Also it came to mind I must write in my journals - anything - I just have to write - write often and with passion - must learn all I can about myself this summer - and the only way to do that is to write my butt off.

My classes I preregistered for today seem interesting and I am pleased at the schedule - Tuesday and Friday only so I am free to work the other days.I am taking Photo one, Video one, Science of Behavior and a Chinese Art and Culture class. Good!

Bonita Wahl said I could help her at film in the Cities. High school students in July and early August four days a week - fun stuff. I can work for Halle and possibly Norman Anderson. I have a feeling he won't call me to work though so I am not waiting for him or anything. I want to write up a serious resume and cover letter and apply for some position - possibly just a stupid job somewhere.

I want to hurt my mind with writing - writing poetry and stories and just stuff.

I want to clean my house - sparkling clean - rid it of pests - no mice, no roaches - no excess!

I want to clean my body, no chemicals, exercise it - healthy.

I want to pick my brains - to know myself - inside and out. To be surprised at myself - to assure myself of my goodness - to feel whole and well. To gain control of myself. To be empowered. To be beautiful. To be well.

Reading "Memoirs from the House of the Dead" (Dostoevsky) and I am feeling horrid. I have a common cold. One thing that stands in my mind is this..."He wanted for nothing...lived like a rich man." I like this thought. It is true, you can live like a rich man if you do not desire what you cannot attain. If you do not feel sorry for yourself - you will be alright. Herb Grika said today that jealousy is when you react to something being taken from you, but envy is want for what you do not have. There is a supreme difference between the two. Envy can spur two people to action to attain what they do not have but if envy (and jealousy for that matter) are held in check then you arrive at the state where you live indeed as a rich man.

If you want not - or want not for anything - you are like a rich man - who is satisfied with his lot in life.

This journal entry seems pretty boring. I cringe reading it, remembering that I asked every one of my teachers for job leads. I had so little experience in the world. I asked the Art History professor if he had any work for me over the summer, he told me I could come clean his house. Yikes.

I understand now, 23 years later, that I was probably annoying them. One teacher, Herb Grika, openly despised me. He was the teacher that asked me what I wanted to do in life. When I answered that I wanted to teach at a college, he laughed at me. He said, "you should teach high school students". I think he was trying to tell me that I wasn't mature enough to teach at a university. I think he was trying to hurt my feelings. I actually left MCAD at the end of the Fall semester the following year as a result. Transferred to the University of Minnesota to get an Art Teaching degree and license. 

Teaching high school is a good and a bad fit for me. I like teenagers, but they react to "authority figures" warily. I yell at them, threaten them in cute ways, I am often misunderstood. I am abrasive and frightening. I am also very loved, many kids say I am their favorite teacher. I have a soft safe place in my heart for the awkward kids, the dark-siders, the emos, the special needs kids, the poor kids, the homeless kids, the native kids. I protect them. I watch them, help them with their schedules, advocate for them.

I believe that teaching is going to destroy me. I am a train wreck, running down the rails. I am an expert in my subject area, a leader in the district, and I hate my job. I hate it. I need a quiet place to work. I am looking at master's programs. I think Library and Information Science - with a focus on Digital Archiving. That sounds quiet doesn't it?