Where She and Hope part company

July 1985

Fast forward into the future. I have no posts between this and the last post. these pages are separated by a page turn. Apparently my life was recorded in baby books - maybe the years between were recorded in another way. I cannot remember. Immediately before this horrible month, I lived 6 months of pain and confusion. December 1984, Cris and I had flown to California to visit Bruce and Margret - his father and step-mother. We had had a wonderful time. One of my favorite films was "Valley Girl" with Nicholas cage. I had requested to be shown all the sites of the film - Hollywood, the Galleria mall, the "Valley", and the drive through the hills from Hollywood to the valley. I was thrilled. The children enjoyed it. I entertained Aja and Harrison on the plane home by making clothes from napkins for their new He-Man and She-Ra toys. The stewardesses remarked at how well behaved the children were.

We arrived home on Christmas eve. We drank a bottle of champagne, watched Valley Girl, got a little frisky. Enter unplanned pregnancy stage left. Unplanned like the others had been. I knew I was pregnant before I missed my next period.

We lived in a four-plex in Stillwater: 113 West Laurel Street. I think back to that time, and I remember a familiar TAP TAP TAP on the door by the woman who lived across the hall from me. Wilhelmina Osterkamp was an extremely old woman in a wheelchair who hadn't left her apartment in nine years. She would summon me by knocking on the door with the end of a broom handle. I helped her by bringing her mail, opening cans of soup, or taking out her garbage. By the time I realized I was pregnant with my third child, I was changing her bedding, treating her wounds, rubbing lotion on her nearly translucent skin as she told me the stories of her life. 

She had been born in Western Germany in 1897. She immigrated to America when she was 14 years old. She came to Minnesota to marry her second cousin, who was ten years older than she was. They homesteaded just north of Stillwater and had nine children, one of whom had died at the age of nine quite suddenly after complaining of a stomachache. Her name was Lilly. Her death had haunted Wilhelmina. It was the most painful experience in her lifetime. 

Her husband was a cruel man that treated her badly throughout their marriage. He had died in 1968 leaving her in poverty. She stayed on the farm until she suffered a stroke that affected her speech and mobility. She had been hospitalized a short while before moving into our apartment building - years before I had arrived with my little, happy family. 

When I first met Minnie, she was fairly healthy, but as the months, then years passed, her condition slowly deteriorated. The women who visited her and helped her as I did began to encourage her to move into a nursing home. I feared for her life as I heard her coughing through the walls at night. Sometimes, she would fall and pull her body to the door to call for my help. 

Everyday, I sat, cross-legged on the floor, in my doorway - she in her wheelchair - trading stories every day. She was a wonderful friend. She knew I was pregnant before I told a single soul. She saw it in me. I was shocked. She described what she saw that told the truth. I talked with her excitedly about the news.

One early afternoon, I heard her calling through the walls. I ran outside and up her porch steps. Pressing my face against the glass, I saw her on the floor, she could not move. She asked me to call her son - he had a key. He was not close to her  - he never visited - but he came that day. I waited with her, pressing against the glass, telling Minnie help was on the way, "He is coming, help is coming." He did come, but it was he that made the call that took her away from me. 

When the men came to take her away on a stretcher, undignified, strapped down, blinded by the sun, off to the nursing home, I wept for her. She was so frightened and ashamed. She did not want to leave. I visited her at the nursing home until she forgot who I was, but I have never forgotten her. She died several months later, a month shy of her ninetieth birthday.

I told Cris that I was pregnant near the end of January. He was not pleased. He grew distant. By July, I had reached the height of suspicion. I reached for his journal, something I had never done before. Journals are secret, sacred. I was sickened by what I discovered.

This is my first response...

Drowning is not so pitiful as the attempt to rise
Three times 'tis said, a sinking man
Comes up to face the skies,
And then declines forever
To that abhorred abode, here hope and he, part company
For he is grasped of God.
The maker's cordial visage,
However good to see, is shunned, we must admit it,
Like an adversity.

Emily Dickenson

Alexander John was born yesterday

June 6, 1982

Alexander John was born yesterday (actually on the 4th close to midnight). He was 11 pounds 8 ounces and 23-3/4 inches long! That is awfully large. Mary had a C-Section because the baby was posterior as opposed to anterior (posterior is when the baby's spine is on the same side as mom's - and anterior is the baby's spine is towards the mother's abdomen - which is the way babies usually are - it is easier to deliver them because that is the way the baby bends!)

We are going to see him tonight. My mom says he is really cute. I believe it. Aja was just beautiful and I would hope all of her cousins were cute!

Well, on to our baby...

I went to the doctor the other day and he said that he thinks the baby will be breech. He said he would let me deliver it normally if it is a frank breech, but if the feet come first there will be a problem and he will have to do a cesarean. I don't want that. i am still hopeful that he or she will turn around and not give me any problems. I still have six weeks to go (or so). We have decided on names for the baby - Zen Harris or Maya (no middle name as of yet). We know our parents and family are not going to like Zen Harris as a name but they didn't like Aja either. We are the ones that we have to please and we both like it! and Maya is a very pretty name and it is also East Indian like Aja. It means "Creative Power". I like that. Oh by the way, the doctor did an ultrasound and found that the baby is due on the 22nd of July. I thought you might want to know that.

We have rearranged our house seeing that we are guaranteed another six months here. We put our living room into our dining room, our dining room on our porch and our work area is in our living room. Aja's bedroom was rearranged and the new baby's dresser was put in there and filled with baby clothes. We are awaiting the crib to put back there so Aja can get used to it.

We are going to rearrange our bedroom so it can accommodate the cradle but we have to wait for Alexander John to grow out of it (which won't be long!) Moving the house around makes it easier to clean and when someone comes to the door and if I was feeding the baby I wouldn't have to panic. We even have a telephone in our living room, just like real people! Anyways, I really like our "new" house and we are all awaiting anxiously its new tenant. It is up to he or she to decide when to come.

July 1, 1982

Yesterday I got my permit and even went for a little ride out back of Bayport. What fun! I only got one wrong on the test - oh well - so I scored 96.We went on the 29th of June to Target and got a carseat for the new baby and a potty chair for Aja. She is so smart. I am sure she will start using it soon. She has started going to sleep by herself in her crib. I hope I will be able to leave her in there awake by the time the baby comes. Well the crib is all set up in Aja's room and the bottles are sterilized and the diapers are awaiting use. My hospital bag is packed and the going home clothes are too. When I went to see the doctor the other day he said the baby is already around six pounds and if I carry it to term it will be SEVEN pounds! Wow! That is Normal! I hope I have this baby soon - in about two weeks from now would be perfect.

I got a stretch mark from this kid on my right hip - how disappointing! I hope I don't get another one. I am so uncomfortable. I'm much larger than I was with Aja. The large baby makes me think that it's a boy - but still I think it may be a girl - but we are going to know before it is born, because it is breech and I believe there isn't a chance in the world that it will turn over.

Aja is really quite the talker now. She is into saying firetruck and then saying "ooooo" like a siren. She can say car (sounds like tar) and teeth. She clearly says Bye, Eye and Hi. She went into the bedroom yesterday and told her dad, "Butter". She was sitting in my lap (I was going to the bathroom) and she pointed at her potty chair and said, "Potty" I said, "Yes, very good!" Then she pointed down at me and said, "Potty". "Very good, Aja!" Then to top it off she pulled at her diaper and said "Potty". Now that's pretty smart I think!

Some new words include Balloon (Hot air balloons have been flying around all summer), Plane, Bug, Bird (This is not new but she uses it frequently and correctly), Wind, Cookie, Apple, and she is learning Candy.

Aja went swimming at Bayport Beach and she really loved it. We carry around her bathtub around in the car and she uses it as a pool at Grandpa Norm's house, down in Bayport, and at Grandma and Grandpa's house.

On the 9th we are going to David and Mary's house to baby-, dog-, and house-sit for a few days. It will be good practice for me and kind of a dress rehearsal for Aja. We will see how she likes a baby around - her moods and so forth so we can be prepared!

I wonder who I am writing to. It seems like I am writing a letter to someone, don't you think? I thought for a minute there I would get to an entry without another list. Nope. Another list of new words. I think I was saving words just as I saved my children's scribbles. All of them. I threw out a whole bunch, but I am cleaning out under the stairs and I found a lot more. How many scribbles would you find interesting? One or two? How about 12? It is hard to let them go. But I am going to do my best.

I like that I took a small part in my journal to mention the birth of my nephew Alex. How very generous of me - lol. His dad will become a grandparent in May for the first time. I am anxiously awaiting news of the arrival of "Baby Girl Fixx". Grow baby grow!