Year 4: My One Year Diary

1976
(I am 13 years old. I am in 8th grade.)

1/1
My New Year's resolution this year is to fill in empty pages and tell about my love life and play hard to get.

1/2
Today was a bummer. I didn't go to the "Y" to see Roy.

1/3
Went to the "Y" today. Roy wasn't there. He went on vacation. Signed up for Junior Leaders and going to Overnight to work tonight. Well I went there made friends with Paul and I slept with him! I don't know if I should like Paul or Roy both like me. We only slept two hours. I was awake and held on to his arm. When we woke up I found out he wasn't asleep at all. I went home to sleep it off Saturday.

1/4
Well, I slept all day but my mom woke me up at 5 cause she said if I didn't get up I wouldn't go to sleep tonight. She was right. I washed my hair and took a bath and Julie made brownies but my dad made us go to bed so I think I'll sneak down and get some. I decided to like Paul. Roy got more to choose from than I do. I'm glad I didn't write here (meaning on this page) before.

1/5
I feel kind of feel guilty. I don't know why I said I would like Paul. Today I decided on Roy. He's more my age and likes me better. I talked my mom into letting me go to the "Y" today. Roy wanted me to go. I'm going tomorrow after school (I hope!) I hope John ain't mad at me. I don't want to sit by him. He's too short. Maureen will be happy cause she don't like John much. Boy come to think of it, I am happy I really like Roy.

5/10
Roy Newton likes me again I think. I hope he does. I am getting a new shirt. We now have judo on Thursdays too. I missed the Junior Olympics yesterday but I can go into the Junior National. Oh well. I better Practice. Bye.

8/12 and 8/13
I went up to Dawn McKay's cabin today to spend the night with her and another girl named Laurie. There was a super hunk of a guy who kept calling me chicken. We were sitting around in the cabin and we pushed him off the bed and we were tickling him, and Dawn and Laurie wanted to make a fire. So I got in the sleeping bag with him and he blew at me and all of a sudden we were making out. Frenching! He got to...1st 3 times (during about 7 hours of time), 2nd  3 times (during the whole time), 3rd 8 times. And we were on a bed at his cabin where we made out before. Well he almost got a home run. He had his pants down and so did I and he was just going to do it (And I was chicken to say anything) when Dawn called! Friday the 13th isn't so bad!

8/18
Today was really great. I finally know what's happening! A senior asked me out I said no but he was cute. His name was Terry O'Brien and when I went babysitting (Amy) it wasn't hard to talk to a guy named Jimmy. I don't know why but I finally feel needed and wanted. I am very happy, thanks Life I thought I didn't need you there for a minute.

==================================================

As a teenager with (undiagnosed) Asperger's, I obviously felt out of place in the world. Although I didn't tell the tale yesterday, I developed an entire second identity at camp to escape the confines of my life and who I was. I sought out friends. I latched onto anyone who would accept me. I was eager to participate in the dating game being played around me. I was awkward in my attempts to communicate with boys. I was socially inept, cracking "jokes" that made no sense. 

Reading the entries in my diary makes me aware that my friends knew I was desperate for any attention from anyone - especially a boy. The two "best friends" preyed upon my vulnerability, teasing me and setting me up to become the butt of their pranks. I lacked the insight needed to understand the sarcasm in their voices. I could not tell they were teasing me. I was completely unaware of my shortcomings when it comes to gauging a social situation. 

I am aware that most of my life, I came across as a know-it-all (I am sure I still do). I am quick to imply that I am an expert in any subject that I am interested in. I am quick to make sure people know that I am better than they are - that they are lucky that I grant them attention. My inability to understand social cues added to the confusion I felt when people rejected me.

After the last entry above, there are a couple entries from 1977 in which I describe multiple partner sexual encounters. I relay the things that the boys would say to me "I like you as a playmate, not as a girlfriend" "You are a good friend". I report that my sister said I was "Horny" and that "I believe it, but I can't help it". I was sincerely confused by the sexual encounters that ended with the boys ignoring me when they saw me again.

At the same time that I was trying to fit into my peer group, I was racking up credits to graduate from high school. I was so terribly unhappy, and had several extra credits as a result of attending French camp for credit, I planned to graduate early. My oldest sister had done it before me, so it wasn't too difficult to talk my parents into enrolling me in an English correspondence course at the University of MN. 

Thinking about the immaturity of the entries above. Imagine three years from this time, I will be unleashed into the world. In the three months I spent as a college student, living on my own, I had no friends. I was preyed upon and played by a man who impregnated me. His girlfriend beat me up. I miscarried. I met Cris, and finally was betrayed by my psychiatrist and was thrown out of school and my parents home. The last three months of 1979 - a fast ride into chaos. I was so incredibly immature. I am glad I spent 4 days of blog entries on my small red diary. In its pages, I grow from child to confused teenager. It puts "me" in perspective for "you" to understand the disaster that I call my life.

Year 3: My One Year Diary

1974
(I am 12 years old. I am in seventh grade. I obviously have just learned some swear words...)

10/22
Today is my sister's birthday. I love everything she got. She got a red shirt and it had a cow on it and under the cow it said cowshirt. Today I was right behind <3 Ken Kochendorfer <3 in the lunch line. The lunch was horrible and tasted like shit! Oh yeah I am going to a costume party Monday night!

10/23
I took a fucking test in English today it sounded like shit to me. Lori Lynn likes Chris Hagen! He is a puss. We had a fucking lunch today a soggy turkey sandwich with gravy! Shit!

10/24
(Commenting on the letter to Bobby in which I asked him to marry me or give me a kiss) 
The entry above sounds like shit.

11/12
In gym we played hockey. It was fun. I gave up a real fight. Carol slapped me in the leg with her hockey stick. It was pure red. Oh my leg stung. It didn't go away either. We started taking showers again. Oh crud.

11/13
Today we got a new girl in our home room. She looks OK. Oh, in Social I couldn't find my token so I borrowed one from Heidi. I got the lunch and ate it uck! Then Karen Parish gave me a letter. It was a chain so I ripped it up!

11/14
We got our report cards today. I got real good grades. Nothing lower than a B-. Nothing higher than an A-. Pretty good huh? I made it on the honor roll. Julie was a snot about it.

11/15
Mr. Anderson, our music teacher is queer. He made me, Cindy, Diane and Peggy stay after for laughing. Very funny. I want a transfer. He's crazy. All he thinks about is lecture, lecture, lecture, talk, talk, talk, work, work, work. He's crazy!

11/16
My mom, Julie, and Anne and me went to Dayton's. Me and Julie got boots. Anne got hers at Schultz's. I tried on 7 and 7-1/2 and 8 and 8-1/2, finaly the 8-1/2 fit but I'll grow out of them. They costed $26.50.

(My daughter, Aja, can tell you horror stories about trying to fit me for shoes. I am a woman's size 7 normally, but I hate shoes. They hurt so much. I do not want shoes that touch my feet. I remember in junior and high school, that I bought shoes that were clearly much too large for me. My sister, Julia, is much taller than I am. My dad told me that when your feet are as long as your forearm, you have stopped growing. I wanted BIG feet so that I would grow TALLER than Julia. I imagine that I clomped around in the halls in junior and senior high school, willing myself to grow tall.)

11/17
We went to the IDS building and when we were in the elevator I had the hiccups. I was embarrassed. Sandy liked my new shoes but after we ate we went to a weaving thing and I felt like I was going to barf.

11/18
I like Tony. He is in my 5th hour math class. He likes me and I think we'll get together when we get our pictures I'll get his. I faked an excuse from gym ha ha she believed it.

11/19
Rusty thinks I'll give Tony a B.J. I won't. Tony is still trying to get me to let him feel me out or finger me. We had a assembly today and I saw Tony, Rusty and David. Great luck! Hey? Tomorrow I'll find out the month he was born in.

11/20
Sorry but I forgot to find out what month his birthday is in. Tomorrow I'll tell him I'll give him a B.J. I'll try to find out his address too. Mr. Brotzler talked all day so we couldn't talk but tomorrow we can't talk either because we got a test.

11/21
We had a test in math today so we couldn't talk. I kept whistling at Rusty in Music and he got real mad. Me and Kelly are trying to get laryngitis it is working. Tony reached over today to get paper and I put my hand down and he kept on squeezing it.

11/22
Tony was gone today in math. Mr. Brotzler let us play games. I played chess with John Norman and he almost kissed me. John Norman is a puss. Too bad tomorrow we don't have school. My pot in Art is done too. It's pretty. Inez told me Roger likes Karen Krumm. She's a whore!

12/24
We went to church today and Steve picked up Jameel Al Dossary and went to church with us. He saw his friends there. I have to sleep in Anne's room because my Aunt Mary is here.

12/25
I thought this Christmas was going to be a bummer. It started out by only getting 6 presents almost all clothes. I got a vest, sweater, pants, hat, dominoes and a belt but about 8:00 pm I found out I got my first period. My cousin Alice stayed over and will stay until Saturday. I have to sleep on the couch because my Aunt Mary's here but it's comfortable. Good night.

12/26
Not much happening but my period is heavy.

12/28
Alice is leaving today and Dan's coming over and tonight Ricky came "oh ick"

12/31
Sandy had her puppies. I spent all day in Julie's room with no food. She had 6 beautiful puppies.
1. No Name (Julie)
2. Fred (Steve)
3. Shawnie (Anne)
4. Bernard (Sue "me")
5. Wetter (Cyndie)
6. Susie (Jameel)

1975

1/1
This year I'll only fill in the unfinished pages because this year diary is becoming a 3 year.

1/2
I got my hair cut today. It is a nice style. My Blizzard caller called today to tell me we were going to Snowcrest. Cyndie and Scott were going to go there but now they are going to Afton.

2/5
Today in 5th hour Tony asked me if I wanted to go to his house. I had to say no because I had to go home after school.

2/6
Tony asked me to go with him. I told him I would. Tonight I might go to Target and I might ask Tony if he wants to go with me.

3/17
I went to pick out new glasses today and get our passpport pictures taken. Also I got pants and a shirt.

3/22
All the snow is melting! Me and Anne and Grandma and Mom went out to eat at a Mexican Restaurant. We saw a mouse there. Shows you how sanitary they are there and also I got heartburn.

3/23
First day of Spring. All the snow is still melting. We didn't have to go to church! Yeh!

3/24
We got a blizzard today and got 10 inches of snow! Just when the other stuff was melting!

3/25
I got my glasses today!

3/26
Tonight I saw Ten Little Indians for the second time. Kelly is sleeping over tonight. I had a dream that me and Tony went to a movie, a baby one, and we were necking and all the little kids were watching us. How stupid!

3/27
My dear god if I don't see Tony pretty soon I'm going to go insane. I know he won't go for another girl because he is too shy but I love him so much the only reason I'm getting the yearbook is to have his picture. I'll put it in my locket. I'ld do anything for Tony. He said he loved me, but I betrayed him god help me! I know he's coming back next month. We got another blizzard this spring is a bummer.

(I remember having the biggest crush on Tony Torkleson in my math class. Like most very young kids, we just smiled a lot and made suggestive comments to one another. We never saw each other outside of math class. I never talked with him on the phone. One day previous to this entry, Tony passed me a note that asked "Do you like me?" there were two boxes "Yes" and "No". My girlfriend encouraged me to check the "No" box and I ceded to her pressure - not thinking much of it. Tony disappeared from school. He never returned. I never knew what happened. I thought for years - decades - that the reason that he left school was because I had checked the "no" box. As an adult, I think maybe he sent the note because he was deciding whether to tell me he was moving - something along those lines. Theory of Mind plays guilt trips with us Aspergians. I thought the world revolved around me.)

3/28
Today we made taffy for the puppet plays we are having. We went to Signal Hills and Julie got a whole mess of stuff. I only got two books called Five go to Treasure Island and Five at (blank) Castle.

3/29
The snow is melting again today for good. I had a dream about Tony, he came on our roof in the summer and I came out with him. We went behind the air conditioner and we were necking. My god I miss him. I found my locket and when we get our yearbook I'll put his picture in it. The AFS carnival is on the 19th. Me and Anne and Laure put on 5 puppet plays. The Easter Beagle, The Easter Battle, the Easter without the Easter Bunny, Happiest Easter in the world and the year without Easter.

3/30
It's Easter! I found my Easter basket in the closet. I found mine second.

5/2
Today is my dad's birthday.

5/9
Cyndie's birthday. I went to Jane's house to sleep over. We went all over the place and when we got back we saw Mark Johnson and three other boys. We raced them.

5/13
Jane called me up and said that she told Scott Johnson that I liked him and I don't even know him. She said he was Mark Johnson's twin brother and that I saw him when I slept over. I tried to remember and soon found out he was the guy who threw a match in my eye because he was starting the races, well whatever, he said that he kinda liked me. Oh well, Jane said she would write a letter for me to copy to give to him.

5/14
Today is Kelly's Golden Birthday. I wrote to Scott and asked him if he liked me, it said I liked him, and I do and I asked for his picture and hours and his phone number. I gave him mine. I hope he calls, but he'll probably chicken out.

5/15
Scott wrote to me back. He said he liked me. Jane will persuade him to call me. I wrote him another letter.

5/16
I went to Kelly's slumber party. It was fun. I had a dream about Scott last night that me and Jane were sleeping in the tent and Scott and Mark had a party and they came in the tent and started kissing us. tisk tisk.

5/17
I went with Colleen to Jane's house to get a bunny and I saw Scott. Rah Rah. When we came back Jane came with us. I wrote Scott another letter at the end I told him to write back. I'm going to Jane's house Monday after school for sure!

5/19
I went to Jane's house today and we went over to Wayne Knutson's garage where he was building a go cart. After a while Scott came. They were putting the finishing touches when Mark came with Mike and Jane said, "Scott, you should marry Sue cause she's a rich girl." I go, Jane and Mark and Mike and Wayne carrying on about it with me and Scott quietly listening.

5/25
I went over to Jane's house and played with her, Scott, Mark, Duke, Snick, and Eva. Scott called! Mark forced him but I don't care! At Jane's house he bought me a candy pacifier! Ha, Ha. He did it as a joke. I kept the part you can't eat! I weighed me today. I weighed 90 pounds! but I'm back to 95.

May Memoranda
Jane is smart

6/3
Out of school at last! We had 3 finals today!

6/22
Today I read Heidi Grows Up. It was the most beautiful story I've ever read. Tomorrow I will read, Heidi's Children. At the end of Heidi Grows Up, Peter married Heidi. I've learnt a lot from Heidi and I wish I could go on reading about her forever.

6/23
I read Heidi's Children. It was as good as the last one. Peter and Heidi had twins, one boy and one girl. They named them Tobi and Marta which was called Martali which means little Marta. Peter's mother called Peter, Peterli in the book the Grand father dies it was sad and I had to take a break from reading I cried so much.

(I grew up in a house full of books. I taught myself to read when I was in kindergarten. I had received the Eye Book for Christmas. That night, I lay under the tree with the book. It was lit by the tree lights. I looked at the letters and made the noises they made. I remember making the sudden discovery of the trick. I understood how the sounds made the words. I read the book in awe. I loved to read. There were always books available to me at whatever reading level I was at at the time. By sixth grade I was reading at a much higher level than my peers. I read fast, gathering the information without bothering to pronounce the words in my head. The two days that I read the Heidi sequels are memorable to me because I remember reading all day long in my bedroom. I started in the morning after breakfast and was finished with each book before dinner. Reading is an activity that I lose myself in. I bite my nails way down past the quick. I will consume a book without stopping if I don't force myself to stop.)

6/24
I went to the Book Mobile and got out Heidi and read it. I have to tell you that I loved that book the best. Did you know that Peter is 6 years older than Heidi? Also I cried so much when she was unhappy in Frankfort. I was actually taking Heidi's place. But I thought it was funny when Peter was so jealous and threw Clara's chair down the mountain!

6/25
I started reading Heidi over again because I loved it so. I also went back over the books in Heidi. My favorite part is about Peter throwing the chair. In Heidi Grows up it's when Peter marries Heidi, but in Heidi's Children it is a part of a poem...

Even death is not unkind
when living love is left behind

isn't it beautiful?

6/26
Today I found another Heidi book but it is in all English form and different in some places. Also we had a rain storm. It was raining very bad so I went outside put the ginkgos under the shelter of our roof. I was outside today and it was so pretty upside down. I like it that way better.

(I remember laying in the front yard - there was a slight slope - and wondering how gravity kept us on the earth...)

7/13
I went to Jane's house and we saw Scott and he caught a chipmunk. When I was looking at it I was talking to Mark because Scott was building a cage for the chipmunk, well anyway Mark said, "See Scott caught this chipmunk for you!" I go, "I bet, he wouldn't catch me a lady priest!" and the whole place shook with laughter. I don't like how Mark embarrasses Scott.

7/14
Madeline is very well. I went to the "Y" today with Jane. I went to her house at 2:00 but I didn't see Scott. Tomorrow I will have liked him for 65 days. Pretty good. We had a party for Madeline, Christine and Andress. It went well and was quite fun.

7/16
I had a good dream last night, Scott was laying down and told me to lay down next to him so I did. He was combing the hair out of my eyes and I put my hand on his waist. He said, "Sue, do you like me?" "Yes" "Very much?" "Yeh" "OK, mind if I kiss you?" "No" So he kissed me on the cheek. I said, "That wasn't very much of a kiss." So he kissed me (on the lips) and I smiled so he kissed me again.

7/17
Tonight at 9:43 I saw the spaceship of the USA and USSR. History! I went to the "Y" today. I have to think of some way to get to go to Jane's house tomorrow because I miss Scott. At the "Y" yesterday Eva said, "Why would you change your name to Johnson?" I said, "Who told you that?" "Nobody" Jane said, "You know you might marry him." I said, "Oh sure."

7/18
We are going on a trip tomorrow. We will be going to Wisconsin but I'd rather go to the lake.I had a dream last night about Jane and me trying to work our way across the USA to SSP we never made it.

7/19
We had to spend the whole day in the car. It was boring. When we got to New Glarus we found out the motel was full so we had to spend the night at a lady's house. I slept on the floor.

7/20
We got back from our trip good! Good night!

7/21
The songs on the radio make me lonesome for Scott. I packed my suitcase this morning, everything fits. I have to get a hold of Jane because I need Eva's, Tiny's and Renee's and Scott's addresses because I will write to them when I am at camp. I was reading a book, "How to Get Along in French" and I learned some new stuff like hell, go to hell, darn it and others.

7/22
Me and Anne went out to eat with my mom and dad and after that we went to a movie "One of our Dinosaurs is missing" and "Cinderella" it was OK.

8/19
Today Jane slept over and we called Scott. We had fun talking to him. He is so nice. The reason we called him cause I was mean to him today cause he was mean to Jane and she told him I wasn't coming over.

8/20
I went with Jane back to her house and after lunch we went out and played football. Mike and Jane were the captains. Jane got the number first so she picked me and I told her not to pick Scott so she didn't. We were losing so Scott joined our team so we started winning then me and Jane went and did the dishes.

8/22
Today is David's birthday.

9/4
I started school today. Scott and Mark are in my lunch. Mark is in my 4th hour and Scott is in 5th.

9/5
In gym today we played ping pong. My partner is Beth Pavlak. She's nice.

9/15
I'm going to have a slumber party September 19th. Today I stopped liking Scott and now I like Randy Heinz. Oh, he's so nice and I wouldn't mind B.J.ing him. I really don't want to leave Scott but he won't do nothing so I don't care. I don't really like his clothes either, at least he could talk to me. Randy talks, and dresses real good. Cool! I really like him, Mark's OK to talk to but Scott's impossible, the way he sounds it will be about 10 years before he does anything! but Randy's grown up.

It looks like during my 12th year, I learned about swearing and blow jobs. I am amused and a little disturbed. I never even kissed a boy, and I discuss who I would give blow jobs to. I wonder when I learned about that - who taught me - and did I really know what I was talking about. I sure had a lot to say about this year, judging by the number of entries. I remember that Scott and Mark were identical twins. I never could tell them apart. I had a crush on Scott, and only knew who was who by watching whether one could look at me (Mark) or who would pretend I wasn't there (Scott). I never had a conversation face to face with Scott. At the state fair, I bought a bracelet and had his name engraved on it. My sister, Julie, told me that people didn't do that - put other people's names on jewelry. She said that if he had given me the bracelet with his name, that would have been OK. I put the bracelet in my dresser then, and never wore it again.

Year 2: My One Year Diary

September 21, 1973
(I have just turned 11 years old)
My birthday was today. I got a blouse, some tapes and a game.

10/4
I like Steve Bartlet. He is very cute.

10/24
nothing.

11/30
I will love Tom Lehman until I die!

12/4
Today was the first snow. We got 4 inches. Dawn Zweber got a baby brother today.

12/9
We got our Christmas tree today. We had turkey after. I hate the tree.

12/10
Last night I had a dream I could fly. I love Tom Lehman. Today in Social Studies we read a play called The Typewriter based on the Waltons. I was Olivia and Tom was John her husband. It was fun. I can't wait until Christmas.

"Special Events"
Going to Dan's house
Dan's father is going to make a round house. He is half way done with the first floor.
Thinking about Steve Veldman
Not thinking about Steve Veldman
Thinking about Tom Lehman and David Bruber.
Not thinking about Tom and David!
Having cool dream that I am married to Tom Lehman and he is a sex maniac.

1974

7/4
We were at the lake and it was a bore.

8/22
I wish I had someone to play strip checkers with!

8/23
I am playing with Colleen and just decided not to be sexy! We played strip checkers. I give you my word I will not be a lesbian.

8/24
I threw away the strip checkers game but I still have the board!

8/26
I have just bought new clothes. I have 3 pairs of pants, 2 blouses, 2 sweaters - one short and one long sleeve, 2 bras, and half a dozen socks.

8/27
Both of my diaries are keeping track of my life so if you don't learn enough here use my other diary. My mom and dad are going to Europe on September 10th and coming back on the 1st of October. They will be gone during my birthday so I am going to have a party. I will invite boys and girls!

9/3
We started school (seventh grade) and I like Mike Brewer.

9/4
I like him very much.

9/5
Mike Brewer is a puss. I like another boy. I don't know his name.

9/6
I had fun in school. I found out what his name is. It is Ken. I don't know his last name.

9/8
Today I was sick and couldn't get up. I thought of Evel Knievel. I made a paper doll and it was Evel. I started to make a motorcycle for him but thought he couldn't make it over the Snake river. I took my rosary and prayer. It worked. He survived. I love the lord!

My (Five year) One Year Diary

Diary One Year

1972

(Writing as a 10 year old. I was in 4th grade.)

9/21

My Birthday is today I got a... tape recorder, some tapes, a shirt, a game and this diary.

10/1

I watched Love Story and had a dream last night.

10/2

I fell in love for the first time with Randy. I wish I could run up and kiss him. But I am too afraid I never thought it was so hard.

10/24

I sent a letter to my love, Bobby Lincowski. I plan to marry him or get a kiss on the lips. I hope my Dream comes that he'll marry me. I will tell him that I will strip for him and do anything for him so he'll give me a kiss or if he marries me I will strip for him like anytime he wants. I know how I'll look when he does marry me. I will tell you - nothing! It will be fun.

(I mailed him an anonymous letter telling him to meet me at Shaefer's pond on 11/10. I included several nudes cut from the stash of Playboy Magazines my brother hid up inside the closet at the bottom of the stairs. At our 10th Class reunion, I admitted to Bob that I had written him the strange letter so long ago. He was amused and relieved to have finally known who had sent it. He said his mother had intercepted the letter and he had been grounded for weeks.)

11/9
We found a big dirty book: We stands for Kelly and Sue.


11/10
I'm getting a kiss or a husband today!

I Hate Bobby Lincowski!

1973

1/1
Dear Diary, I promise to write to you every day. Love, Susan

1/21

I heard on T.V. the war in Viet Nam was ending. I was so happy I could cry and I did.

1/22

I taught Bobby Wacker how to ski. It was very fun. In school we had a nice opera. It was very good.

1/23

Dear Diary, I just saw Go Ask Alice on T.V. My new year's resolution is to never take any drugs as long as I live. I told Tom Lehman that I liked Tom Vasatka. I can't tell him that I like him. Love, Susan

1/24

Dear Diary, My or our dog Sandy went into my room and bit off a head of one of my stuffed toys. I was doing an experiment with water today. It was very warm today. I am reading Magie Elizabeth. It is a good book.

1/26
Dear Diary, I lost my favorite mitten at school. I still have one. Tomorrow I will go skiing. I will tell you about it. We are going to hardscrabble.

1/27

It was very bad. All the snow was melting. It was slush.

1/28

I am going to church. Oh ick.

1/29

I am happy but sad. I had a bad day in school.

2/14

It is our dog's birthday today. She got 3 presents.

4/9

I'm Comformed! My Comformation name is Elisabeth. 

(I left the misspellings as is - because it amuses me. I didn''t even know what the heck was going on. At some point a couple months earlier, my Sunday School group joined with the older kids. They were doing different sorts of things. I was confused and paid little attention to what was going on. At one point someone told me to pick a new name. After much deliberation, hopping around my patio on my pogo stick - so three hops at a time, fall off, repeat - I chose Elizabeth because I thought my initials would spell SEAL but they didn't - they spelled SAEL...My mother sewed me  dress with tiny roses on it. At church that day, everyone was very serious. Arch-Bishop Roach was there to confirm us. We waited in line and each went up to him. He smeared some oily stuff on my forehead and I went to sit down. Later my parents gave me a miniature rosebush. We planted it outside. It died soon afterward. I never knew what the whole thing was about until I was an adult and my sister Cindy told me. )

6/18
It is my sister's birthday. I'm very sorry I didn't write.

6/23
We just got home from a vacation to Oregon. I had clostraphobia.

6/25
Dan asked if I could come to his house but my mom said no. I was very mad.

6/27
I love Steve V.

6/28
I am going to Dan my cousin's house. In my photo album I hid pictures. I love Steve V. Today I went swimming in Laure's pool. We ate peanuts and threw the shells into Kleper's yard. It was fun. We made a fort on the monkey bars. It was cool.

6/29
I went to Laure Wacker's house at 11:00. She was at the store. I might not be able to go to Dan's house because the forth of July is on Wednesday of next week. Tonight I will watch the Brady Bunch. I love Steve V.

6/30
I can't go to Dan's house because They are staying to build their home for five days. I am a playboy but I am a girl so I will be a nudest. I will love it I know. It's twelve noon.

7/4
We're at our lake and we caught fireflies. My mom squished mine.

7/14
It is my brother Steve's Birthday. We went to ur lake and ate supper at nine.


(Actually my brother's birthday is on the 15th)


7/15
I love Steve and respect him. I so very much want to kiss him or at least tell him I love him. We went to the showboat today. We went to see Steven Foster. It was a musical. I love Steve. I love Steve. I love Steve. I love Steve. I love Steve. I love Steve. I love Steve. I love Steve. I love Steve. I love Steve.

7/25
I so very much want to tell Steve that I love him more than anything.

7/26
I love Steve V. So much I could die.


7/27
I love Steve V. very, very much.

7/28
I dearly love Steve. I must impress him to like me then to love me. It is my dearest wish to marry him. My plan will take quite a while, for in school I am going to keep my hair washed and curled, wear clashy, classy, nice, neat clothes because I love that wonderful, beautiful, hndsome boy more than anything in this world.

7/29
I love Steve V. so much I wish to tell him I love him very much. In church today I bought my pig amd lion and Mary Gobile said she liked the lion better.


7/30
I was watching T.V. It was an educational movie. It said that true love never breaks. It is true because I have loved Steve ever since May. Isn't that funny?

9/3
I Hate Steve.

9/4
I hate Steve Veldman.

9/9
Today I went to Colleen's house. She and Kelly call up their boy friends. Colleen's was 13. His name was Mike. Kelly's was 15 and was Terry. They had a little brother named Denis. He was 11. All of them were sex maniacs just like me. Denis asked how big my bust line was. I said I liked him, he said maybe he would meet me at Jefferson someday. Now I am crazy about him.

9/10
Denis is a fake. So is Colleen and Kelly. Oh I hate them!

I may find it painfully dull to be among people

October 28, 1986

Things are beginning to lose their Char-ness. The Walgreen toothbrushes, the composition books, the sweater of her lover before you. I no longer feel as violent about Honda Civics - even the oxidized red ones seem virtually harmless. The coffee pot, jar and the knife she gave you are losing their pasts. My bed only vaguely remembers her presence. The clothes you wear have almost lost the dust they retained within their fibers from her bedroom floor. The clothes you possess are losing the remnants of Char as they rubbed off your body in the morning.

My memory of Char is painful. She was my rival, the taker of what I believed to be rightfully mine. I hate her.

Your memory of her is more of a mourning of the great love and happy times you once shared with her. It is sad - these differences. I feel bad that I cannot think nice things about this woman whom you once loved. I tried at first, but I never will except the fact that she has a right to a bit of your life - because I know your love is yours to give away as you choose and it is hard to believe, no not believe - accept - that the receptor of your love wasn't me. As I know I am only receiving a deflected love even now.

You seem to be in love with someone (or more than one) else besides me. I don't see how you can fragment yourself - not giving it all to just one as I would wish to believe would be the easiest thing to do, but you prefer the role of silent suffering - suffering in self-denied love.

Now I'm going among people. I may not know anything, but a new life has begun for me. I made up my mind to do my duty honestly and resolutely. I may find it painfully dull to be among people. To begin with, I decided to be frank and courteous with everybody. No one can expect more than that from me. Perhaps even here they regard me as a child - it can't be helped! For some reason everyone regards me as an idiot, too, and it is quite true that I was so ill at one time that I really was an idiot. But what sort of an idiot am I now when I know myself that people take me for an idiot? The Idiot, Dostoevsky

Alexithymia is a term that describes an impairment in someone's ability to identify and describe feeling states. Tony Attwood says that people with Asperger's Disorder often have a limited vocabulary of words to describe feeling states - especially the more subtle and complex ones.

I see in this journal, that I have resorted to descriptions of the items around me that provoke the physical responses that I recognize as "feelings". I use a wide paint brush to describe my emotions too. I am Sad. I am Hurt. I Hate. I Love.

The quote from The Idiot seems to me now a great expression of how I feel about the world now. It surprises me that I had enough self-awareness to see myself in the writing. 

This is the last entry in this journal. I am actually a little sad to let this one go. It has been a painful and thoughtful journal through this time in my life. I have learned a lot through this stroll down memory lane. Tonight, I will look at the pile of old journals and writings and pick up another. I wonder what I will find within its pages.

He said, "I use my brain halves to the most extreme separation."

September 10, 1986

Two weeks of school have past and I am getting used to it. The house is falling apart a bit, but I throw it together when I have the time. I have just tons of classes and from each a monstrous amount of work - 16 hour grids for visual studies - compositions for english - about 50 pages of reading for art history - 20 pages for humanities - a wooden toy for shop - buy a roll of film for lens media...on and on. I started a 3 hour drawing of Cris - did his face fantastically, then moved on to his hand and he moved on to his hand and he moved and rearranged everything so I couldn't continue. I applied for work study - probably won't get a job - but it's worth a try - money is really a problem to grapple with.

Cris is enjoying watching the kids. He does have a bit of trouble with ianthe - but she is just a baby and it was hard even for me to remember just what to do with a baby.

September 15, 1986

Sitting up so high in the fourth floor by the window. I can see Ann's dorm. I like Ann. When I first saw her I thought, "Oh God, She looks just like Char - gross." Not because she is ugly but because of association. I can also see the tower that is on the same block as Cris' apartment.

I try to talk to him and see what it all means to his life - but he is just so strange. He said last night that he realizes that he is using his brain halves to the most extreme separation. That he is extremely logical - philosophical and life in general - and when he does his art he is extremely emotional. There is no middle ground for him. Maybe he can only express himself through his art. There might be a way to blend things. Maybe he could tell me how he feels e.g. answer my questions through art.

I really ought to give it a try. Anything just to keep from stagnating in our relationship. I must keep it alive, changing, vibrant not only for Cris, but for myself so I do not go crazy.

Escape - that is what we desire but we are bound by circumstances. I don't think that it is as heartless as all that but it just touches the surface of how we all must feel. Cris said, "I hope that, someday we'll live in a world without love".

Love after all is just a feeling - it is not a state of being - you cannot be in love anymore than you can be in happy or in sad. Love is the feeling you get when someone is important to you - without strings attached. That is the important part - without strings or rules. I want rules but really it's all just a matter of respecting the other person's being. Love is more common feeling than people realize - it's their dependency that most people label as being love - but I can feel love with Ann or Sara or Peter for that matter. You know when something feels good. You wouldn't go out of your way to hurt others whom you feel close to, now, would you?

I ran out and bought a second "Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome" by Tony Attwood today. My first copy is in ruins, having been paged through and page worn by my three children. Aja said that the others would be relieved, that they were frightened to give it back to me in the condition it is in. I love books. I don't think you understand my love of the physical book by that simple statement. I really love books. I take great care of them. I try never to crease their bindings. Upon purchasing a softback book, I condition the spine by opening up the book, first 25 pages from the front, carefully press open holding the book spine to table. Open the last 25 pages, press them to the table, repeat from the front until you have reached the middle. Never fold a page corner to mark your place. That would be a terrible thing to do. Never place an open book face down and open upon a table to mark your spot. Make sure your hands are clean and dry. Do not sneeze into your book. I have many Book Rules. 

When I first started dating Anthony, I wanted to give him a special book to read. It is Sombrero Fallout: A Japanese Novel by Richard Brautigan. It is an out-of-print book by my favorite author. Actually, Ianthe is named after him in a circular way. His daughter is named Ianthe - that is where the name came from. So, wanting to offer a favorite book to my wonderful friend, I proffered my treasure to him in a zip-lock bag, along with a long list of instructions for its care. Anthony accepted my gift, but later returned it unread. He never dared to open the baggy. 

Maybe it is a good thing that I am planning to take up my studies again, starting with a Masters in Library Science and Information Systems (that makes my heart sing - lol) and if I still dream it, continue my studies with a Doctorate in Archival Studies. 

Books, Books, Books, lovely books, they are my friends and have helped me understand the world. I know I digressed with my book story, away from my original thought: which is an explanation about what I was thinking when Cris was confusing me with his talk about how he was using his brain. I was fascinated. 

At the time I was reading books about how to mend a broken relationships - that confounded me. I had three babies and an absent husband - one that told me that he would never divorce me, but that he would never be back. I used the advice from my relationship book. I told him that he was free. He could do what he wanted and I would still be there for him, unconditionally. Well, you can guess how well that worked out. As the next few days of this blog unfold, I will sway back and forth in confusion. Thinking "What the Hell is Going On?"

Who would have thought that people don't think exactly like me?! Or not know exactly what I want from them?! I kid, but before October or November of last year, the thought NEVER occurred to me. Hard to believe for an NT (neuro-typical), but true. Evidence of my under-developed Theory of Mind is found in the "we" statements I make in this and several entries about how "we" must feel or think. From Tony Attwood's book on Theory of Mind (ToM), which Absolutely Fascinates Me (page 120):

...due to the differences and nature of ToM abilities in the cognitive development of children with Asperger's Syndrome, they may develop a different form of self-consciousness. The child may acquire ToM abilities using intelligence and experience rather than intuition, which can eventually lead to an alternative form of self-consciousness as the child reflects on his/her own mental state and the mental state of others. This highly reflective and explicit self-consciousness has been described as similar to that of philosophers...

Now, considering the fact that I had grown up with a sociopath, I did not have the highest quality of input with which to develop the ability to recognize and understand the thoughts, beliefs, desires and intentions of others in order to make sense of their behavior and predict what they are going to do next (these are the concepts that Theory of Mind entails).

I had met Cris, three months into my 17th year. I had graduated high school at 16, and my social life was extremely controlled as a child and teen. I am 24 at the time of this entry. I had spent seven years with Cris, being told that it was "I" that was the crazy one; "I" after all, had been diagnosed as a paranoid schizophrenic (he claimed, discounting my research and study, not to mention I was FAKING it). Seven years of developing my Theory of Mind using a narcissistic sociopath as a model of human behavior. No wonder people are frightened of me at first!

Now, I'm in control

April 22, 1986

Cris and the kids, my two problems in life to deal with.

The kids are just pigs - PIGS! I have taken all their toys away, still it is messy. I can't stand it!

Cris doesn't like to stay overnight because of the kids - they drive him up the wall. In my next house, I will take the bedroom so he can have some peace in the morning.

I need to make some money - desperately. I need a house - desperately.

May 16, 1986

Cris wouldn't even be around if it weren't for the kids.

I don't even know why I want him. Probably because its easier - it looks better.

I don't understand it.

What I really should do is just let it rest. It's been about a year since Cris and I haven't been friends. I should just get over him. I don't really need him at all. The kids do - but I don't. I really don't. It would be better if I didn't pursue this relationship any longer.

It's just making me sick.

May 19, 1986

Now, I'm in control.

I see my struggle with being a young mother of three children. We lived in absolute poverty. All of our clothes were hand me downs (thanks fav sis!). I had been a vegetarian for five years by this time. I shopped at Cub occasionally, but often bought bulk at the coop down the street. We ate "eggs in a nest" (Red beans in a bed of rice) and "tofu balls" YUM! (Still my favorite and only way to eat tofu). Lentils and rice were a staple, as was spaghetti. We ate a lot of oatmeal too. I visited the food shelf - so there were lots of canned vegetables - I still love canned green beans, but Anthony does not, so I don't buy them anymore. 

Once I bought creamed corn instead of corn - Cris had a fit - freaked out about it. Yelled about how I never looked at things when I bought them. I didn't think it was such a bad surprise - I like creamed corn. I still find that I will buy strange things. 

That is because I have difficulty seeing the trees because I am looking at either their bark or the entire forest. I see a wall of canned foods. I grab a can - not noticing if it is the same as the can next to it - that is how I think. I am distracted by the wrong details sometimes. It is pretty hard to explain - because it sounds like it should be easy for someone who sees patterns and details so clearly to be much more selective.

In the grocery store, I see canned tomatoes section (here is the forest). I see a variety of tomatoes on the shelf, diced... stewed... petite diced... whole... crushed... paste... flavored... (these are the trees). What can I make with these lovely tomatoes? Possibly some of the them are on sale - then the sale signs distract me (this is the bark - the details). I scan the shelf, looking at prices. I start to lose sight of the purpose (my meal). I am easily swayed by the lowest price. Now I grab products based upon the shelf labels. Actually, I am not sure how I grab the wrong item. I do it. I don't know how. I only know that I do.

My difficulty in "seeing" extends to my classroom. I have so much trouble remembering names. I used to think it was because I had so many girls, and they all look the same to me. Now I realize that it is anyone that doesn't stand out. If you have an odd name, engage me in conversation, like cats - I am likely to remember your name. Don't speak to me, silently move through my surroundings - I will never know you, I will never remember your name. Sometimes I will remember your nameless face, but in the same way that I remember the face of the nameless lady at the check out counter at the corner store. 

I believe I am "face blind" and see only details like hair and people's mouths. I spend lots of time staring at people's mouths. I am mesmerized by them, distracted by the movement of teeth and gums, tongues and lips. Adults with Asperger's have a particular problem reading facial expressions, and body language. Being a visual person doesn't give me a better grasp of what I see when I look at another person. People are objects within my field of vision. There isn't anything "special" about them other than they are usually in my way. /wink

 A forest of canned tomatoes - don't be distracted by the sale signs!

The wrong side and the right side

August 7, 1985

A Dream...
Cris and Char were in his room and I walked in. They were making love - Char on top. She quickly got off of him and she quickly got off him. She sat between his legs and watched me take a look at the photos of Aja I was looking for...

I wasn't watching them at all. I was even behind the curtain, but after awhile, I told Char it was alright, that she should carry on...

I finished looking in the closet and called "information". They couldn't tell me anything. So when I was finished on the phone, I came out of the closet and Char and Cris were still just laying there. So I knelt down by Cris' head and kissed him and apologized for having interrupted the "proceedings". He said casually that Char wanted to know if I wanted to join in, but I took a shower first and never got around to joining them.

August 1985

I watch Cris now, how he seems. He seems so much happier and at peace. He is very tender when he is in love and I feel he really does love Char and I both. He loves Char with patience I haven't seen in him for a long time. It doesn't hurt so bad anymore. I wish I could wear my ring but I am not - maybe I will again later, nothing matters much anymore. I hope I don't end up a fool in all this.

After I had confronted Cris with the knowledge of his affair, I was so afraid to give him an ultimatum. An ultimatum would give him a chance to choose to leave. I could not live with that. I feared being left.

Cris had been given power by me and Char. I said in an earlier blog entry, that Cris chose vulnerable women. Char and I were his training ground. He wielded his power like a knife and cut out our hearts. He arranged an introduction. He and Char at one side of the booth of a Minneapolis cafe and I alone, very pregnant on the other. He caressed her openly in front of me. He did this to calm her while he destroyed what was left of my fragile ego. My journal continues with an existential quote...

...What counts is to be true, and then everything fits in, humanity and simplicity...

What I wish for now is no longer happiness but simply awareness...I do not want to choose between right and wrong sides of the world, and I do not like a choice to be made...The great courage is still to gaze as squarely at the light as at death.

"The wrong side and the right side" Albert Camus

Cris has taken a lover

July 1985

Cris has taken a lover. It hurts to know I wasn't enough.

It hurts to know if I had only not gotten pregnant none of this would have happened. It hurts to think that Cris and I were so much in love a year ago.

It hurts to have to share Cris with another. It hurts to let Cris go, the only thing that makes sense is that stupid cliche "If you love someone let them go. If they come back they're yours. If not, they never were."

It is awful having to go through a pregnancy neither of us planned - and that drove Cris apart so much he sought someone else as an escape.

I think sometimes of the request Cris had made, but I am sorry, I just couldn't kill someone just to make him happy. I will stoop incredibly low, but not that far. Now I will be alone, with three children - each of whom is loved less by their father in the order of their birth. When I met Cris, he was so confused (as I) and we needed each other. I loved him. I still love him and I suppose I always will love him. I wrote a poem during our early relationship about how he was everything I'd hoped for - he was and continues to be.

Why don't I meet up to him? It hurts.

But I am so happy he is still around. I wonder how much longer? I want him so bad, more than anyone will ever realize.

Of course now I cringe about this, but at the time, I was so lost. I was so hurt and confused. I was in an Aspergian free-fall into despair, anxiety and terror.

The fear of change prevented me from doing the correct thing - tossing him to the curb. He was not providing me any income. He was rarely home. I was the person that kept our life in order.

Before I was diagnosed with Asperger's Disorder, I wondered in shame why I had not let Cris go sooner than I did. I kept him, clung to him as if he were my safety net. This man, who during our marriage kept me a figurative prisoner. One day a week, Cris would allow me an hour to go to the library. That was it. Other than that, it was me and the children. Alone. I walked to the co-op and to the park with my children. I cooked and cleaned and read. Cris worked for 2-3 years, then in the fall of 1984, he quit his job, and enrolled in the University.

He was gone all day. Late, late, late into the night. He said it was to do studio work in the Art building, or to study, or to work... I don't know. I didn't question it. He took photographs of people I didn't know for his photography class. He said they were classmates. I didn't think anything of it. One day, he came home with ink drawings on his jeans - covering his leg - all the way up to his crotch. I did not recognize it as his "style". His "style" is all scritchy-scratchy short lines smashed together - like hesitant scratches to form the outline of an object. I draw in outlines - one continuous ink line. These decorations were circular, geometric, they were not his. I asked him about them. He said a classmate had drawn them. I was shocked - why would you let someone draw on your thigh? That is a bit personal, is it not? He said he hadn't thought of it that way.

My ex-husband was a sociopath. I didn't know this until very late in the "game". He is very good at finding women/people who are vulnerable and manipulating them to do his will. He watches. He pretends emotions. He acts the way he believes is expected at the moment. He cries at will. He is a strange man. This is a link to his creepy, walking on the line of pedophilic-hypersexual "art" website.  (Here is a bar of soap to wash your eyes off when you are done...) I have as little regard for his "artistic" abilities as I do for his "character".

I am a rich man

May 14, 1987

Tomorrow is the last day of classes at MCAD before next fall - YEAH! I am very happy school is over. Summer I can do anything I want - just be me. Ahhhh RELIEF! I've been thinking about what I must do. I promised myself another journal (visual) that I must do certain things: exercise, read, work. I notice the state of the house - this also must be dealt with - DREAD - and a garage sale must happen soon. I want to do it all. I want to balance it all out. I should make a list of parceling out the things I wish to do so I don't burn out on any one thing.

Also it came to mind I must write in my journals - anything - I just have to write - write often and with passion - must learn all I can about myself this summer - and the only way to do that is to write my butt off.

My classes I preregistered for today seem interesting and I am pleased at the schedule - Tuesday and Friday only so I am free to work the other days.I am taking Photo one, Video one, Science of Behavior and a Chinese Art and Culture class. Good!

Bonita Wahl said I could help her at film in the Cities. High school students in July and early August four days a week - fun stuff. I can work for Halle and possibly Norman Anderson. I have a feeling he won't call me to work though so I am not waiting for him or anything. I want to write up a serious resume and cover letter and apply for some position - possibly just a stupid job somewhere.

I want to hurt my mind with writing - writing poetry and stories and just stuff.

I want to clean my house - sparkling clean - rid it of pests - no mice, no roaches - no excess!

I want to clean my body, no chemicals, exercise it - healthy.

I want to pick my brains - to know myself - inside and out. To be surprised at myself - to assure myself of my goodness - to feel whole and well. To gain control of myself. To be empowered. To be beautiful. To be well.

Reading "Memoirs from the House of the Dead" (Dostoevsky) and I am feeling horrid. I have a common cold. One thing that stands in my mind is this..."He wanted for nothing...lived like a rich man." I like this thought. It is true, you can live like a rich man if you do not desire what you cannot attain. If you do not feel sorry for yourself - you will be alright. Herb Grika said today that jealousy is when you react to something being taken from you, but envy is want for what you do not have. There is a supreme difference between the two. Envy can spur two people to action to attain what they do not have but if envy (and jealousy for that matter) are held in check then you arrive at the state where you live indeed as a rich man.

If you want not - or want not for anything - you are like a rich man - who is satisfied with his lot in life.

This journal entry seems pretty boring. I cringe reading it, remembering that I asked every one of my teachers for job leads. I had so little experience in the world. I asked the Art History professor if he had any work for me over the summer, he told me I could come clean his house. Yikes.

I understand now, 23 years later, that I was probably annoying them. One teacher, Herb Grika, openly despised me. He was the teacher that asked me what I wanted to do in life. When I answered that I wanted to teach at a college, he laughed at me. He said, "you should teach high school students". I think he was trying to tell me that I wasn't mature enough to teach at a university. I think he was trying to hurt my feelings. I actually left MCAD at the end of the Fall semester the following year as a result. Transferred to the University of Minnesota to get an Art Teaching degree and license. 

Teaching high school is a good and a bad fit for me. I like teenagers, but they react to "authority figures" warily. I yell at them, threaten them in cute ways, I am often misunderstood. I am abrasive and frightening. I am also very loved, many kids say I am their favorite teacher. I have a soft safe place in my heart for the awkward kids, the dark-siders, the emos, the special needs kids, the poor kids, the homeless kids, the native kids. I protect them. I watch them, help them with their schedules, advocate for them.

I believe that teaching is going to destroy me. I am a train wreck, running down the rails. I am an expert in my subject area, a leader in the district, and I hate my job. I hate it. I need a quiet place to work. I am looking at master's programs. I think Library and Information Science - with a focus on Digital Archiving. That sounds quiet doesn't it?

The Ethics of Secrecy

I came across this entry dated June 1988. In my journals, I see a common theme of trying to work out logically what I was feeling or how I was supposed to feel or react to others around me. I believed research helped me as I tried to figure out the "rules" of society that I could not understand.

The conflicts we experience when it comes to choosing when to keep a secret or reveal it or to pry into someone else's secrets or to leave them be are rooted in the experience of what it means to be human: needing both to share and to hide, both to seek out and to beware of the unknown.

By studying how one learns to deal with secrecy you can discover the path you can take to become aware of one's self among others.

Let's define secrecy:

a) An intentional concealment (to keep a secret) Hiding or Concealment is the defining trait of secrecy. Secrets are set apart from non-secrets in the keeper's mind. There are several other traits also present in secrecy (not always present all the time) they are...sacredness, intimacy, privacy, silence, prohibition, furtiveness, deception. These influence how we think about secrecy.

b) Also a neutral definition of secrecy. If the secret and the sacred are too closely linked in one's mind all secrecy will be seen as inherently valuable and to keep them is one's duty. Negative views of secrecy stem from beliefs that...

1. Why conceal something you're not afraid to have known?
2. Secrecy means impropriety (There's no place for secrecy in a democracy)
3. People conceal what is shameful or undesirable.

To view secrecy with any degree of neutrality we must assume that a degree of concealment or openness accompanies all that humans do or say. We must evaluate circumstances rather than an initial evaluative stance.

How can we differentiate between secrecy and privacy?

If secrecy is intentional concealment then we can say privacy is the condition of being protected from unwanted access by others - physically, mentally, spiritually. Privacy is a claim to control access to one's own personal domain.

Privacy and secrecy overlap when efforts to control access rely on hiding. But privacy need not hide and secrecy hides much more than what is private.

How do people protect their privacy?

1. Physical Space (Territory) differs culturally.

2. Information about personal matters and attention to them or to one's person - if medical history were published in local paper or if you were under constant surveillance by satellite.

Secrecy guards against others coming too near, learning too much, observing too closely. It guards the central aspects of identity and, if necessary, plans and property. It serves as an additional shield should protection of privacy fail or break down.

There is a need for secrecy just as there is a need for fire. It is like fire can enhance and protect life yet both can stifle, lay waste, spread out of all control. Each can also be used against itself, both can guard and invade, nurture and consume.

Conflicts over secrecy are conflicts over power: the power that comes through controlling the flow of information.

Power Struggle

To be able to hold back some information about oneself - or - to channel it - and thus - influence how one is seen by others gives power.

Also - the capacity to penetrate similar defenses and strategies when used by others.

Power requires not only knowledge but the capacity to put knowledge to use, but without knowledge there is no chance to exercise power.

To have no secrecy is to be out of control over how others see oneself. It leaves you open to coercion.

To have no insight into what overs conceal is to lack power as well.

If you lose control over your own secrecy, you would not be able to flourish. In psychosis, your secrets flow out like water over a broken dam and if you are isolated, it leads to painful self-exploration.

Four claims in defense of secrecy for human autonomy

In seeking control over secrecy and openness a person attempts to promote their sanity/survival:

1. IDENTITY Control of secrecy and openness needed in order to protect identity: The sense we identify ourselves with, as and though. Secrecy protects vulnerable beliefs or feelings, inwardness and the sense of being set apart including memories and dreams; of being someone who is more and is capable of more than meets the eyes in the future.

Without perceiving the sacredness in human identity, individuals are out of touch with the depth they might feel in themselves and respond to in others.

2. CHANGES/PLANS Growth or Decay. Progress or Backsliding. This could be an instance such as pregnancy. A secret at first and told to an increasing circle of people.

3. ACTION Such as a surprise party or as in a chess game.

4. PROPERTY Hiding valuables and personal documents.