I have no self - no "I" - that I can claim to be my own

I have no self - no "I" - that I can claim to be my own. I feel the need to define it. It is necessary to me as an individual and in order to grow.

What I was...
I was born 5th in a family of 6.
The 3rd of 4 girls.
The girls older than me were ideal-types.
I lost my mother to a younger sister.
My father became mine - although he really wasn't enough.
I tried desperately as a child to gain my parents love - but I never seemed to get it.
Cris has taken my parents role in my fight to win unconditional love.
Cris, like my parents, will never give me the love I seek. The love I want has vanished. There is no way for me to regain the lost love.
I have things that are mine alone. I stole them from others.

Good Susan
I learned easily in school.
Funny - I can't think of anything else to label "good Susan".

Bad Susan
I've always thought of myself as "bad". Cindy and Julie were my opposites. Cindy being directly opposite and Julie was more of a hybrid of us, but closer to Cindy than to me.

Anne doesn't fit into my scale. She has totally different viewpoints. I cannot relate to her at all.

Sexual Feelings
Doing socially unacceptable things
Slut behavior as teenager
Easily aroused - selfishness
Knew/know I don't want to be "caught"

Eaves Dropping
Listening to others conversations
Reading (Cris's) letters/journals/anything
Going out of my way to watch
Coming up with fanciful interpretations

Plotting
Gathering information and then altering plans
Going out of my way (Mileage, financially)
Generally deceitful and sneaky

Procrastinating
Make too many plans
Never motivated
All energy spent on above behavior
Just don't care about some things

What I can become...
a poor welfare mother - totally dependent either on welfare or husband.
a film maker - camera person. Unattached, full of energy.
a school teacher - teaching video. Full of ideas and encouragement.
a clothing designer - working for a Minneapolis pattern maker.
a doctor - dedicated to helping the poor. Also good family member.
a researcher - looking for secrets - working for a Noble prize.
a medical reformer. Changing the U.S. into a socialized public health plan.

If I can rid myself of dependence I could be very successful.

Where do my values lie?

Sexual
I think it best to only have one lover at a time.
I think it is OK to be kinky - but only with someone you know very well.
It is not OK to talk about sexual happenings with people not directly involved.
Love and Sex seem very caught up with one another.

Where am I going wrong?
When I have sex I want to be satisfied (I'm very selfish).
I feel lost and at one with the world - my boundaries fall down when I have an orgasm. This is my symbiosis experience hence sexual activity is very important to me. This is one area that I might be able to change from a negative to a positive. But it will take lots of work.

Things I am not good at (but do anyway)

• I am not an artist.
• I am not a philosopher.
• I don't enjoy "reading into" things.
• I am not into occult religion.
• I am not the best photographer.
• I am not good at "hanging out".

Eavesdropping and playing private eye goes against my better judgment.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

I find it very interesting to read this "self-evaluation" of my 24 year old self. As an older version of this person, I see how similar and how different we are. I was very concerned with my "sexual" behavior - that is very clear in this assessment. I wondered out loud about the statement that I made about wanting to be (sexually) "satisfied". Could it be that Cris taught me that it was a selfish desire on my part? (But of course not on his...) Humans are sexual beings after all. 

I am surprised by how much I haven't changed. I still analyze the heck out of my actions, except now I do it in my head, or muttering to myself, or discussing possibilities with my cats. 

In the section titled "What I can become": I like to edit movies - especially my grand kids. I am a teacher. I do teach video. I still love to sew and design things. I have a business license for LeetLootz - so if I suddenly decide to sell my creations, I am ready to go. I am interested in a career change - to become a researcher of sorts - an Archivist - discovering new things. I am an active member of Organizing for America - I sent several letters to congressmen, made interesting posts to compel others to press for Health care reform. I even had a half hour discussion with one of John Kline's staff, explaining my views to him. I believe I made a compelling argument. 

So out of my "list of what I could become", Out of seven possibilities, I have become (or still want to become) FIVE of them. I am actually amazed at my insight into my core  being.

The list of "Things I am not good at (but do anyways)": I agree with the list of things I still despise. After my bone marrow transplant that I had to celebrate my 30th birthday (oh - and to save my life from Hodgekin's Lymphoma), I stopped pretending. The only thing on the list that I still do, begrudgingly, is "hang out", although there has to be a compelling reason to do so.

Only one more thing to address. I say that I cannot relate to my sister Anne at all. I can now. I couldn't when I was younger. She is very critical and judgmental. After I accepted her judgment, we got along. She was my best friend growing up. I played with her all the time. Actually, we played "next" to each other - parallel play - a signature of Aspergians. After my diagnosis, and learning what parts of my personality are Asperger effects, I turned the lens outwards, towards my family. I believe that out of the six children my parents had, three of us are Aspergians, my younger sister and the younger of my brothers. I have three children. I believe all three have Asperger's Disorder. One of them has just received a positive diagnosis.

Welcome to Team Awesome, Banana Pan!

He said, "I use my brain halves to the most extreme separation."

September 10, 1986

Two weeks of school have past and I am getting used to it. The house is falling apart a bit, but I throw it together when I have the time. I have just tons of classes and from each a monstrous amount of work - 16 hour grids for visual studies - compositions for english - about 50 pages of reading for art history - 20 pages for humanities - a wooden toy for shop - buy a roll of film for lens media...on and on. I started a 3 hour drawing of Cris - did his face fantastically, then moved on to his hand and he moved on to his hand and he moved and rearranged everything so I couldn't continue. I applied for work study - probably won't get a job - but it's worth a try - money is really a problem to grapple with.

Cris is enjoying watching the kids. He does have a bit of trouble with ianthe - but she is just a baby and it was hard even for me to remember just what to do with a baby.

September 15, 1986

Sitting up so high in the fourth floor by the window. I can see Ann's dorm. I like Ann. When I first saw her I thought, "Oh God, She looks just like Char - gross." Not because she is ugly but because of association. I can also see the tower that is on the same block as Cris' apartment.

I try to talk to him and see what it all means to his life - but he is just so strange. He said last night that he realizes that he is using his brain halves to the most extreme separation. That he is extremely logical - philosophical and life in general - and when he does his art he is extremely emotional. There is no middle ground for him. Maybe he can only express himself through his art. There might be a way to blend things. Maybe he could tell me how he feels e.g. answer my questions through art.

I really ought to give it a try. Anything just to keep from stagnating in our relationship. I must keep it alive, changing, vibrant not only for Cris, but for myself so I do not go crazy.

Escape - that is what we desire but we are bound by circumstances. I don't think that it is as heartless as all that but it just touches the surface of how we all must feel. Cris said, "I hope that, someday we'll live in a world without love".

Love after all is just a feeling - it is not a state of being - you cannot be in love anymore than you can be in happy or in sad. Love is the feeling you get when someone is important to you - without strings attached. That is the important part - without strings or rules. I want rules but really it's all just a matter of respecting the other person's being. Love is more common feeling than people realize - it's their dependency that most people label as being love - but I can feel love with Ann or Sara or Peter for that matter. You know when something feels good. You wouldn't go out of your way to hurt others whom you feel close to, now, would you?

I ran out and bought a second "Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome" by Tony Attwood today. My first copy is in ruins, having been paged through and page worn by my three children. Aja said that the others would be relieved, that they were frightened to give it back to me in the condition it is in. I love books. I don't think you understand my love of the physical book by that simple statement. I really love books. I take great care of them. I try never to crease their bindings. Upon purchasing a softback book, I condition the spine by opening up the book, first 25 pages from the front, carefully press open holding the book spine to table. Open the last 25 pages, press them to the table, repeat from the front until you have reached the middle. Never fold a page corner to mark your place. That would be a terrible thing to do. Never place an open book face down and open upon a table to mark your spot. Make sure your hands are clean and dry. Do not sneeze into your book. I have many Book Rules. 

When I first started dating Anthony, I wanted to give him a special book to read. It is Sombrero Fallout: A Japanese Novel by Richard Brautigan. It is an out-of-print book by my favorite author. Actually, Ianthe is named after him in a circular way. His daughter is named Ianthe - that is where the name came from. So, wanting to offer a favorite book to my wonderful friend, I proffered my treasure to him in a zip-lock bag, along with a long list of instructions for its care. Anthony accepted my gift, but later returned it unread. He never dared to open the baggy. 

Maybe it is a good thing that I am planning to take up my studies again, starting with a Masters in Library Science and Information Systems (that makes my heart sing - lol) and if I still dream it, continue my studies with a Doctorate in Archival Studies. 

Books, Books, Books, lovely books, they are my friends and have helped me understand the world. I know I digressed with my book story, away from my original thought: which is an explanation about what I was thinking when Cris was confusing me with his talk about how he was using his brain. I was fascinated. 

At the time I was reading books about how to mend a broken relationships - that confounded me. I had three babies and an absent husband - one that told me that he would never divorce me, but that he would never be back. I used the advice from my relationship book. I told him that he was free. He could do what he wanted and I would still be there for him, unconditionally. Well, you can guess how well that worked out. As the next few days of this blog unfold, I will sway back and forth in confusion. Thinking "What the Hell is Going On?"

Who would have thought that people don't think exactly like me?! Or not know exactly what I want from them?! I kid, but before October or November of last year, the thought NEVER occurred to me. Hard to believe for an NT (neuro-typical), but true. Evidence of my under-developed Theory of Mind is found in the "we" statements I make in this and several entries about how "we" must feel or think. From Tony Attwood's book on Theory of Mind (ToM), which Absolutely Fascinates Me (page 120):

...due to the differences and nature of ToM abilities in the cognitive development of children with Asperger's Syndrome, they may develop a different form of self-consciousness. The child may acquire ToM abilities using intelligence and experience rather than intuition, which can eventually lead to an alternative form of self-consciousness as the child reflects on his/her own mental state and the mental state of others. This highly reflective and explicit self-consciousness has been described as similar to that of philosophers...

Now, considering the fact that I had grown up with a sociopath, I did not have the highest quality of input with which to develop the ability to recognize and understand the thoughts, beliefs, desires and intentions of others in order to make sense of their behavior and predict what they are going to do next (these are the concepts that Theory of Mind entails).

I had met Cris, three months into my 17th year. I had graduated high school at 16, and my social life was extremely controlled as a child and teen. I am 24 at the time of this entry. I had spent seven years with Cris, being told that it was "I" that was the crazy one; "I" after all, had been diagnosed as a paranoid schizophrenic (he claimed, discounting my research and study, not to mention I was FAKING it). Seven years of developing my Theory of Mind using a narcissistic sociopath as a model of human behavior. No wonder people are frightened of me at first!

Maybe I imitate others because to be myself might mean - NOTHING

"Do not be ashamed of yourself; this above all else, is the root of your problem."
"The Brother's Karamazov" Dostoevsky

August 27, 1986

Who is this person whom you call Sue?
I'm not really sure you know.
You surround yourself with other people whom you don't like nor do they like you much either.

I look back at these pages in disgust. I am so whiny. I complain all the time. Here I sit as god and proclaim others - my rivals - to be less than myself.

Well, Sue, you know yourself where you stand. You are lower than all - you plummet the depths of insecurities - above all else you are ashamed of yourself and of your behavior. Constantly imitating others yet criticizing them while pretending I'm not like them at all. I must recall e.e. cummings - "To be nobody. but - yourself - in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else - means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting."

Maybe I imitate others because to be myself might mean - NOTHING - I am so untrue to myself.

How can I break down my barriers to my self?

Maybe, this is the criticizing I perform. ABOUT EVERYTHING! It could be very telling about myself - what I choose to criticize. I've often read that Virgo's are critical by nature - well fuck that; it is no excuse.

I complain about other people's messy houses - yet I am one of the biggest pigs around.

I complain about how others are raising their children - could it be I worry about my own shortcomings?

Ah, at last a post acknowledging that I understand that there is something different about me. I knew I would come across an intellectual entry. I have a post-it note stuck in one of my notebooks written by a therapist that I knew in Stillwater. A kind soul that counseled me for free. The note says simply: "incidents in which I was not sure how to act as a 25 year old woman." I had been struggling with what was a "normal" way to be, to act. I have always wondered how to act. This was something he was helping me with.

I wondered why the girls got along so well in elementary school - it never came easy for me. One incident stands out clearly and painfully in my mind. We had hooks outside of our classroom that were inset into the walls. A gaggle of girls around me, fifth graders - Mrs. Loney's class - were hanging up their coats and fawning over one girl. "oh, I like your skirt!" they exclaimed. The girl turned towards me, actually, turned towards the classroom door, I looked her straight in her eye, "I don't" I stated. Quiet. Silent, shocked. I just remember that. The silence. I realized I had said the wrong thing. I misunderstood what was happening. People were not giving their opinions of her skirt - they were complimenting her - a friendly gesture. As I worked my way through elementary school, I "worked" my way through "friends", by the time we were in seventh grade, a new school, I had the opportunity for a whole new set of people to reject me.

Just as it is for me as a child, I had few friends as a adult. People have trouble "reading" me. I come across as harsh, or rude, or disinterested. People who stick with me long enough, learn that I am actually a very kind person. I act as if I know everything, as if I am an expert in everything. This is my coping mechanism. I cope with my inability to "read" the intent of people easily by acting as if I am superior to them. People who call themselves my friends, know this. They accept it as who I am. They laugh with me at my boasting statements of "I know best" and "Prove it!". I am just quirky. I have strong opinions. 

1. GO FOR HELP

2. Make your own recovery the first priority in your life

I have done this in these means:

• re-evaluated my goals and expectations for myself and am trying to achieve.
• Asserted my wishes to work, now must follow through.
• Am becoming more selfish - guarded about my time - not saying yes to people I don't care about.
• Trying to accept criticism - especially when it hurts - because it probably is correct - try to change.
• Eagerly am looking for ways of things that will help me, not others, for once!

3. Find a support group of peers who understand

• Call: Psychologists
• Look under "Human Services" community crisis hot line
  

4. Develop your spiritual side through daily practice

• I would like to learn about hypnosis and yogi/meditation. I should get a book from the library on these subjects.
• I have been using affirmations.
  
  • Sue, I love you and accept you exactly the way you are.
  • I am free of pain, anger and fear. I enjoy perfect peace and well-being.
  • I every aspect of my life, I am guided to my highest happiness and fulfillment
  • All problems and struggles now fade away: I am serene.
  • The perfect solution for every problem is now manifest. I am free and filled with light.
  • All things are possible through love. Love is working through me to heal me and strengthen me, to calm me to peace.
  • I release all the pain of the past and welcome the health, joy and success that are mine to claim.

5. Stop managing and controlling others

6. Learn not to get hooked into games

It is very hard not to do this. I want to help and shelter Cris. He recognizes this and stops me but I should stop myself.

Game #1
Cris: I do all the work (martyr).
Sue: I'll do it all next time.

Game #2
Cris: I don't want sex if you force me into it.
Sue: I will remember next time, but...

Game #3
Sue: Cris, get out of bed.
Cris: In a little while (falls back to sleep).
Sue: (Angry) Cris, Get Up!
Cris: (Angry) I will. Leave me alone.

Game #4
Cris: I am going out for awhile
Sue: I wish you'd stay with me.
Cris: I feel guilty.
Sue: Don't, go out, have fun.

See Sue? You can recognize the games. Now Stop Playing Them!

7. Courageously face your own problems and shortcomings

8. Cultivate whatever needs to be developed in yourself

Books to read:

• Love and Addiction by Stanton Peele
• Love and Limerance by Dorothy Tennov
• The Art of Selfishness by David Seabury
• The Dynamic Laws of Prosperity by Catherine Ponder

9. Become selfish

10. Share with others what you have experienced and learned

Characteristics of Relationally addicted Women

• Obsessed with relationship
• Denying the extent of the problem
• Lying to cover what is happening in the relationship
• Avoiding people to hide problems with relationship
• Repeated attempts to control the relationship
• Unexplained mood swings
• Anger, depression, guilt
• Resentment
• Irrational acts
• Violence
• Accidents due to preoccupation
• Self-hate of self-justification
• Physical illness due to stress-related diseases

Characteristics of Recovery

• Admitting helplessness to control disease
• Ceasing to blame others for problems
• Focusing on self, taking responsibility for own actions
• Seeking help for recovery from peers
• Beginning to deal with own feelings rather than avoiding them
• Building a circle of well friends, healthy interests

Self-analysis by Karen Horney
Main characteristics
1. The neurotic need for

I like how my journal entry ends mid-sentence. I could laugh at this whole post if I wasn't so repulsed by it. This boring entry was obviously gleaned from a library book on being co-dependent. Just like my second blog entry , I am using my intellect to puzzle out my place in the world. This is a common Aspergian trait. Having to intellectualize "normal" behavior because it is not second nature to us.

One of my "special interests" was schizophrenia. I started researching it in junior high school after reading Sybil. I was fascinated by her mother's catatonic schizophrenia. I read every book in the library and then started devouring my dad's medical texts and journals.

After I had gotten the symptoms memorized, I began to practice. I liked to sit motionless downstairs on the couch staring at the small weaving hanging near the fireplace. I tried to sit as still as possible; blink as little as possible. I still can sit very still. I like to sit motionless, staring straight ahead, in fact, I amuse myself by sitting still for long periods.

My ability to mimic the symptoms of schizophrenia convinced a psychiatrist that I actually had the disease. As a teen, I was proud of that. It was proof that my research had paid off. As I became more involved with Cris, my inability to put myself in the mind of others caused me to "brag" about the diagnosis without explaining all the research that went into it. I don't believe that Cris really understood that I wasn't schizophrenic. He kept telling me I was insane. It was one of the ways he controlled me.

Since my Asperger's diagnosis, I realize that I don't see the forest because all the trees get in the way. I do not have a well developed Theory of Mind. I have only just started to understand that others have beliefs, desires and intentions that are different from mine. All the research I have done in my life never brought me the comfort that my Asperger's diagnosis has.

Throughout my twenties and mid-thirties, I was looking for a reason for why I felt so out of place in the world. In this entry, my new reason was co-dependency. The idea that I was co-dependent was comforting, while I read, and took notes. As a young mother of three, with a cheating, abusive husband, I was desperately trying to find the reason that I continued to stay with a philandering man. I didn't know my undiagnosed Asperger's was telling me to stay because I don't want anything to change.

Change is scary! I hate deviation from my routine. I am hesitant to make any changes. I consider getting together with friends to be a deviation from my schedule. Changes to my routine cause me to become exhausted. I am over-stimulated by being on-my-toes, monitoring my behavior, hoping I don't make too terrible a mistake.

My family has known me all my life, so they are not at all surprised by my ability to dominate a conversation. My family includes a couple other undiagnosed Aspergians, so we are pretty good at wrestling the conversation from one to the next without thinking about it as odd. My mom and dad had a rule when we were growing up that at the dinner table we could each speak in turn, the eldest (non-Aspergian), would go last. He could talk the tail off a brass monkey - he still can! My parents let him have all the time that was left after the five of us had had our say.

My husband's family however, has only known me for 12 years. So they are stunned when I railroad a conversation at a family gathering. I will sit in silence, staring at my plate, bored by their conversation until someone says something that interests me. I will look up and launch into a diatribe about subject, talking loudly over anyone who dare interrupt me or attempt to voice an opinion. I can see it happening. I cannot stop myself. I have the nicest in-laws ever. They love me even if I can bring a pleasant conversation to a standstill.

Since my diagnosis, my dear husband Anthony, has helped stop my overbearing conversational technique during family dinners. He helps me stop. He is my sea of calm. I love him so very much for the support he gives me.