Lady Rye's Incomplete and Totally Subjective Guide to Aspergians

May 8, 2010

If you met one Aspergian, you have met one Aspergian. We are as different from one another as neurotypical people are from one another. We have been around, always, without a name or label. We are a genetic variant of the human brain. We have some similarities in behavior, but so do Neurotypicals.

We are "on the spectrum". The spectrum includes similar brain structure "disorders": Autism, HFA (High Functioning Autism), PDD-NOS (Pervasive Developmental Disorder Not Otherwise Specified - as autism) and Asperger's. There is debate about whether or not Asperger's actually should be included on the spectrum. There is also debate about whether HFA and Asperger's are the same disorder.

Traits seen in Aspergians

Social Understanding
Tony Attwood jokes that he has discovered a simple procedure that will remove almost all the symptoms of a person with Asperger's: put them in a room by themselves. This is funny because, Asperger's is a social impairment.

Social interactions are often exhausting for those of us with Asperger's Disorder. We usually are pretty good conversing one-on-one with another person, but add a third person (or more) and we are quickly overwhelmed. We react in either appearing bored by the conversation or by overwhelming the conversation with our own, refusing to allow others to interrupt our diatribe.

Teasing and Bullying
A person with Asperger's has a higher than expected chance of being the target of a bully, or group of peers. We are more prone to low self-esteem, anxiety and depression. We have a hard time understanding why we were the target of bullying and wonder what we could have done to prevent it. Adults with undiagnosed Asperger's tend to repeatedly replay traumatizing events in our minds in an attempt to understand why they were singled out. It is hard to move on - or have closure - when you don't understand why.

Theory of Mind
The term Theory of Mind (ToM) means the ability to recognize and understand the thoughts, beliefs, desires and intentions of other people in order to make sense of their behavior and predict what they are going to do next. ToM is a synonym of Empathy. People with Asperger's Disorder have immature or impaired ToM abilities, but they do not have an impaired sense of EMPATHY. Aspergians care deeply about other people but have difficulty recognizing subtle signals of the emotional states of others.

The Effects of Impaired ToM on Daily life
How do you know what someone is thinking or feeling? One way is to read a face, especially around a person's eyes. People with Asperger's Disorder often have trouble with or avoid eye contact. As adults we know we are supposed to "look people in the eye" when we talk to them - but we get this wrong. Neurotypical people spend more time looking away when speaking and focus in on people's eyes when that person is talking. Aspergians tend to do the opposite - or stare at the eyeballs - instead of the area around the eyes. I have lots of trouble with eye contact. I appear quite normal to my listener I am sure, I look them in the eye when I speak, but then I stare at their mouths when they speak back to me, or I stare off into space when speaking and listening. Both of these behaviors are seemingly normal, but I am missing a lot of social cues. I have made two co-workers cry at two different meetings at school because I wasn't looking at them during a discussion. I also have made countless students cry while critiquing their work. Insensitive? You could say that, but I actually was mystified by each occurrence.

Some people with Asperger's have difficulty with literal interpretation of other people's words. Even though I didn't think I shared this stereotypical Asperger's trait, I have a great example. At the beginning of the school year, during staff development, a new teacher was brought in to our school to start the PBIS (Positive Behavioral Instructional Strategies - the new pet anagram).  Over the summer, she and a group of teachers had come up with a short list of positive statements for the students. We teachers were supposed to post these posters all over our rooms and hallways. They took our school mascot - a Tiger - and made up the catchphrase "Tiger Pride" There was one positive statement that went with each letter of Pride. One of my special interests is cats. I perked up out of my boredom and announced to my table of teachers, "Tigers don't run in groups - they are solitary animals. Lions live in Prides." I kept going on and on about it. Teachers were shushing me, but the teachers closest to me were bemused, but did not attempt to quiet my ranting. I never let it go. I made signs for the first day of school, replacing "Tiger Pride" with "Tiger Streak" and "Tiger Ambush", making similar positive statements with each letter. I made handouts for my class. When the principal stopped by to say hello, I proudly handed her one of my handouts. The next day I was called into her office. She was very upset that I misunderstood the message behind PBIS. I told her she was wrong about that - I understood, but I wasn't going to misinform my students about great cats and their social groupings. Tigers are solitary creatures. The teacher group should have not tried to make a "cute" play on words using the wrong animal grouping...She ordered me to apologize to the PBIS coordinator. In my apology, I told her she was wrong about Tiger Pride...

The Tiger Streak Poster on my classroom door...

People with Asperger's Disorder sometimes miss subtle clues that other people are becoming annoyed with them. Neurotypical people often misinterpret this behavior as a deliberate attempt to be disrespectful or rude.

Due to differences in acquisition nature of ToM abilities in people with Asperger's Disorder, sometimes they can develop a different form of self-consciousness. As we reflect upon our own mental state and the states of others by relying on our intellectual rather than our undeveloped intuitive abilities we become quite reflective. This explicit self-consciousness is similar to that of philosophers. (Frith and Happe 1999)

Being unsure of what others are thinking or feeling can contribute to a general feeling of free floating anxiety. Relying on intellect to process social interactions (such as intellectualizing what is going on if someone is steps away from you while talking to you. Is it because you are standing too close, or maybe they are worried about something else? Then testing and retesting your theories while trying to maintain a normal conversation, etc...) contributes to social exhaustion. People with Asperger's Disorder require a significant amount of cognitive processing to make up for their limited ToM skills. This leads to feeling "peopled out" - over socialized - and the need to pull back and do something solitary in order to regroup one's energy.

Understanding and Expression of Emotions
There is a psychological term to describe another characteristic associated with Asperger's Disorder - Alexithymia - that is the impairment of the ability to identify and describe feeling states. Children and adults with Asperger's Disorder often have a limited vocabulary of words to describe feeling states, especially subtle or complex emotions. We can swing from one emotion to another quite rapidly, without transition periods. I can move quickly from being "calm" to being "irate" to being "manic" in a matter of minutes.

Routines and Special Interests
Routines are characteristics of adults with Asperger's Disorder. Routines can be seen as a coping mechanism that develops in us as we use our intellect to replace what we miss intuitively in our interactions. Routines impose an order and predictability to our life. Surprises are not easily tolerated by those of us with Asperger's Disorder.

Our special interests are ways that we can enjoy ourselves intellectually and the interest itself can make it easier to maintain relationships that revolve around our special area of interest. Special interests fall under a couple categories: Collecting, and acquisition of knowledge or expertise. Collecting is a tendency of children on the autistic spectrum. Adults with Asperger's can accumulate a huge assortment of objects related to an area of interest. Comfort is found in cataloging the collection. If the collection is displayed, an Aspie can create a specific ordering system, and if someone accidentally moves something out of place, they can become quite agitated until order is restored.

Collecting facts about a specific topic or concept  until the person with Asperger's becomes an expert in the area is another way to enjoy a special interest. Often, special interests start when the Aspie is a child, and mature and grow as the intellectual capacity of the child increases. Over time, there can be a progression to multiple interests spanning many different subject areas.

The function of special interests is to overcome anxiety - by being interested in things that cause fear,  a source of pleasure - when the special interest is related to a happy memory, a means to relax - repetitive behaviors can help reduce the feeling of stress and relax, and to occupy time - how else does one spend their time if it is not spent socializing?

Language
Hans Asperger described an unusual profile of language abilities that included problems with conversation skills, the melody - or flow of speech. There are a couple language peculiarities surrounding speech in the diagnostic criteria for Asperger's Disorder.

Gilberg and Gilberg (1989) requires three of the following for a diagnosis:

• delayed speech development
• Superficially perfect expressive language
• formal pedantic language
• odd prosody, peculiar voice characteristics
• impairment of comprehension including misinterpretations and implied meanings.

Szatmari (1989) recognized these odd speech characteristics and require at least two of the following for diagnosis:

• abnormalities in inflection
• talking too much
• talking too little
• lack of cohesion to conversation
• idiosyncratic use of words
• repetitive patterns of speech.

The DSM-IV briefly refers to language development in their diagnostic criteria, but only to establish that there should be no major delay in language acquisition in Asperger's Disorder.

Aspergians show some subtle abnormalities in speech that include verbosity and abrupt transitions in subjects and oddities in loudness, pitch, intonation, prosody, and rhythm - do you remember my voice before my vocal chord was paralyzed?  I had an unusual Minnesotan accent that bordered upon an Irish brogue...



Even in the clip above, I don't talk as quickly as I did when I was in high school, where I was frequently on the receiving end of some lame joke. Now-a-days, I do not have the exaggerated Minnesota accent - it is much too difficult for me to speak using all those elongated vowel sounds. I still overpower people by volume in conversation if I can - like at a dinner table - but if I am at a loud place, like a restaurant, so I generally tune out of the conversation. This occasionally causes people to think I am annoyed or bored. That isn't the case, usually I am listening and and you should beware, because I am laying in wait for my chance to dominate the conversation the first chance I get!

Cognitive Abilities
Some young children with Asperger's start school with academic abilities above their grade level. They appear at times to easily "crack the code" of reading, spelling or numeracy. In an earlier post I made mention of how I taught myself to read under the Christmas Tree - I "cracked the code" with no help (other than knowing letter sounds). I spell and read well but I am confused by numbers. Standardized testing of IQ shows that individuals with Asperger's Disorder are at or above the normal range.

Recent studies of teens and Adults with Asperger's Disorder show an impaired executive function. This term psychological term "Executive Function" includes:

• organizational and planning abilities
• working memory
• inhibition and impulse control
• self-reflection and self-monitoring
• time management and prioritizing
• understanding complex or abstract concepts
• using new strategies

This impairment in executive function is apparent in social situations that are stressful. By the age of eight, a neurotypical child is able to use their frontal lobe to inhibit a response and think before deciding what to do or say. In a non-stressful situation, even an Aspie can do that, but throw a little stress into the situation, we can become overwhelmed or confused - then we can react impulsively.

Another thing that is observed in people with Asperger's Disorder is that some can be very good at noticing detail, but appear to have difficulty seeing the whole picture. I talked about this in an earlier blog - how I see the details, and the whole, but not the parts that make the whole. This isn't all bad though. This ability to notice details and notice new connections that are not seen by people who perceive the world through a more conventional viewpoint can be a valued skill set, depending upon your chosen career.

Movement and Coordination
As much as people with Asperger's Disorder have different ways of thinking, they can also have a different way of moving. We often have an idiosyncratic gait that seems to lack grace. We sometimes have trouble knowing where our bodies are in space, which causes us to trip, bump into things or spill things or knock things over.

While some people with Asperger's Disorder are quite clumsy (like me), there are others that have amazing movement skills. These athletes can be quite astonishing - winning national and international championships. Most of these athletes are skilled at sports that can be practiced in solitude, such as swimming, skate and snowboarding, and endurance sports such as marathon running.

Sensory Sensitivity
The previous categories that I have summarized for you involve tendencies that effect an Aspergian's social reasoning, empathy, language, cognitive abilities, but one of the attributes of Asperger's Disorder is clearly identified in autobiographies, or by self-reporting: hyper- or hypo-sensitivity to specific sensory experiences.

The most common sensitivity is to very specific sounds but there can also be sensitivity to tactile experiences, light intensity, the taste and texture of food and specific smells. There can be under- and over-reaction to pain and discomfort. I can't stand when my dog barks - it physically hurts my ears. I can't stand to have grit on my hands - drives me crazy!

Neurotypical people can be as baffled by why some sensations are intolerable to Aspies in the same way that people with Asperger's Disorder are confused why others are not effected in the same way.

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I need to attribute most of this "guide" to Tony Attwood's The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome. I used his chapter titles and scanned the chapters to get a good summary going. I tried to put examples from my life in here to give it some perspective, but since not all Aspergians are the same, I wouldn't want anyone to get the idea that I was the example of what Asperger's looks like in all adults. Although, I must admit, it is what Asperger's looks like in me.

I hope that by spending nine hours writing this "guide" helps my family to see that Asperger's isn't a big scary boogeyman. I hope that they will forgive me the next time I suggest that our wonderful, dear father might have also shared this variant of brain structure.

My heart must be set on something before I'll accomplish it

June 18, 1987

Thinking and more thinking about life career. I seem to always want to please those around me - Doctor  for my Dad but I dropped out for Cris, (well, actually - my parents pulled me out on the advice of a crooked psychiatrist) Tailor for Halle, Media Artist for Bonita Wahl, High school teacher for Herb Grika. My God, where does it end?

I really must figure out what it is that I personally would like to accomplish in my life. In terms of realistic - not unattainable - but realistic - calculated risks.

Well, first off, I really like the natural sciences. I am interested in chemistry to some extent - like brain and body chemistry - and I am interested in biology - the biology of all things - well, mammals and especially in concern with reproduction and infant and early child life.

I am capable of achieving anything I set my heart after. I am aware of that at least. It's just that I really must have my heart set on something before I'll really accomplish anything. Will becoming a Pediatrician really satisfy my life career? If everyone should die would I still be interested?

Help! Help me! Sue, you must help yourself - you must not let anything sway you to one side or another.

Well, I did let someone sway me: My dad.

My father was a doctor. His specialty was Family Practice. His dad was a doctor, so was his uncle. He was a good and kind man. He loved my mother and me and my siblings more than anything else. He always told us so.

He often told me a story, of when he was in high school. He was confused and in love with my mother, but was unsure if what he was feeling was love (that sounds kind of Asperger's like doesn't it?) Well, anyway, he saw a psychologist, he always said his name, Dr. Kamman (Thanks Aja, for remembering his name!). This man told my dad that there were only 9 things that were truly important in a relationship.

My dad told me these nine things over and over. Even though he had told the tale to me before, he would trot out the tale at every opportunity. To confirm a relationship was "good", to suggest that a relationship "might not be right", or trying to console a broken heart.

Nine things that you need in order to have a successful relationship...

Companionship: you must enjoy spending time with this person. You must have things in common.
Understanding: You must understand and accept the object of your affection, as they should understand and accept you.
Trust: This is a two-way street. You start with trust and you can only lose it. Once trust is loss, it is very difficult to earn back.
Honesty: Be honest and expect honesty from your partner.
Respect: Respect your partner. You must be of similar "taste".
Loyalty: Be loyal to one another, that is key, no cheating!
Affection: show it! and expect to be shown affection.
Tolerance: You must tolerate some differences from yourself in your partner.
Physical: Attraction and physical affection are vital to a successful relationship.

I suspect now, as an Aspergian, that my dad was one too. He probably was able to navigate life as successfully as he did because of these "rules" and my mother. My father supplied the rules that I used to grow up - at least until I was a teenager, and then again after my bone marrow transplant. I was thirty by then, and ready to listen to him again. 

When I told my dad I was considering returning to pre-med we had a long talk about the state of the medical field. He was greatly discouraging. He said that unless the U.S. reformed the way health care was parceled out, that the medical field was no place to stake your future. My dad would be pleased with the historic Health Care Reform Legislation that was enacted under Obama's Administration.

So, no pre-med for me. That was good. I would have made a crappy doctor. Using his advice, I applied to the University of MN, College of Art Education.

I have no self - no "I" - that I can claim to be my own

I have no self - no "I" - that I can claim to be my own. I feel the need to define it. It is necessary to me as an individual and in order to grow.

What I was...
I was born 5th in a family of 6.
The 3rd of 4 girls.
The girls older than me were ideal-types.
I lost my mother to a younger sister.
My father became mine - although he really wasn't enough.
I tried desperately as a child to gain my parents love - but I never seemed to get it.
Cris has taken my parents role in my fight to win unconditional love.
Cris, like my parents, will never give me the love I seek. The love I want has vanished. There is no way for me to regain the lost love.
I have things that are mine alone. I stole them from others.

Good Susan
I learned easily in school.
Funny - I can't think of anything else to label "good Susan".

Bad Susan
I've always thought of myself as "bad". Cindy and Julie were my opposites. Cindy being directly opposite and Julie was more of a hybrid of us, but closer to Cindy than to me.

Anne doesn't fit into my scale. She has totally different viewpoints. I cannot relate to her at all.

Sexual Feelings
Doing socially unacceptable things
Slut behavior as teenager
Easily aroused - selfishness
Knew/know I don't want to be "caught"

Eaves Dropping
Listening to others conversations
Reading (Cris's) letters/journals/anything
Going out of my way to watch
Coming up with fanciful interpretations

Plotting
Gathering information and then altering plans
Going out of my way (Mileage, financially)
Generally deceitful and sneaky

Procrastinating
Make too many plans
Never motivated
All energy spent on above behavior
Just don't care about some things

What I can become...
a poor welfare mother - totally dependent either on welfare or husband.
a film maker - camera person. Unattached, full of energy.
a school teacher - teaching video. Full of ideas and encouragement.
a clothing designer - working for a Minneapolis pattern maker.
a doctor - dedicated to helping the poor. Also good family member.
a researcher - looking for secrets - working for a Noble prize.
a medical reformer. Changing the U.S. into a socialized public health plan.

If I can rid myself of dependence I could be very successful.

Where do my values lie?

Sexual
I think it best to only have one lover at a time.
I think it is OK to be kinky - but only with someone you know very well.
It is not OK to talk about sexual happenings with people not directly involved.
Love and Sex seem very caught up with one another.

Where am I going wrong?
When I have sex I want to be satisfied (I'm very selfish).
I feel lost and at one with the world - my boundaries fall down when I have an orgasm. This is my symbiosis experience hence sexual activity is very important to me. This is one area that I might be able to change from a negative to a positive. But it will take lots of work.

Things I am not good at (but do anyway)

• I am not an artist.
• I am not a philosopher.
• I don't enjoy "reading into" things.
• I am not into occult religion.
• I am not the best photographer.
• I am not good at "hanging out".

Eavesdropping and playing private eye goes against my better judgment.

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I find it very interesting to read this "self-evaluation" of my 24 year old self. As an older version of this person, I see how similar and how different we are. I was very concerned with my "sexual" behavior - that is very clear in this assessment. I wondered out loud about the statement that I made about wanting to be (sexually) "satisfied". Could it be that Cris taught me that it was a selfish desire on my part? (But of course not on his...) Humans are sexual beings after all. 

I am surprised by how much I haven't changed. I still analyze the heck out of my actions, except now I do it in my head, or muttering to myself, or discussing possibilities with my cats. 

In the section titled "What I can become": I like to edit movies - especially my grand kids. I am a teacher. I do teach video. I still love to sew and design things. I have a business license for LeetLootz - so if I suddenly decide to sell my creations, I am ready to go. I am interested in a career change - to become a researcher of sorts - an Archivist - discovering new things. I am an active member of Organizing for America - I sent several letters to congressmen, made interesting posts to compel others to press for Health care reform. I even had a half hour discussion with one of John Kline's staff, explaining my views to him. I believe I made a compelling argument. 

So out of my "list of what I could become", Out of seven possibilities, I have become (or still want to become) FIVE of them. I am actually amazed at my insight into my core  being.

The list of "Things I am not good at (but do anyways)": I agree with the list of things I still despise. After my bone marrow transplant that I had to celebrate my 30th birthday (oh - and to save my life from Hodgekin's Lymphoma), I stopped pretending. The only thing on the list that I still do, begrudgingly, is "hang out", although there has to be a compelling reason to do so.

Only one more thing to address. I say that I cannot relate to my sister Anne at all. I can now. I couldn't when I was younger. She is very critical and judgmental. After I accepted her judgment, we got along. She was my best friend growing up. I played with her all the time. Actually, we played "next" to each other - parallel play - a signature of Aspergians. After my diagnosis, and learning what parts of my personality are Asperger effects, I turned the lens outwards, towards my family. I believe that out of the six children my parents had, three of us are Aspergians, my younger sister and the younger of my brothers. I have three children. I believe all three have Asperger's Disorder. One of them has just received a positive diagnosis.

Welcome to Team Awesome, Banana Pan!

the past is laid out before us; the future behind

September 23, 1986
(Now I have just turned 24 years old)

I walked over to get an album on Nicollet Avenue today. As I did some black guy "psst psst" at me and I unconsciously looked over at him. He was waving his hands - like telling me to come over. I'm Sure - I just kept right on walking.

I'm sitting up on the fourth floor again by the windows waiting for Lens Media to begin. I surprised Cris by coming home for lunch. I watched the rest of Gremlins and hung out the washing too. From this spot you can see the student studio space down on the third floor. It looks like a mess: cardboard on top of the spaces made of pipes tied together - foam, wood, plastic, various art objects, bags of things, a couch, stereos, cupboards...Dire Straits is playing right now...sheets, canvas, various personalities walking about...Strange to think they have no life but that of a student. Carefree, no commitments or time problems. I'm not jealous though, it's just different.

October 1986

I miss my children. I walked into their bedroom to shut off the fish tank and their beds were empty. I wonder how they are. There were about six kids at MCAD today with/waiting for their parents to get out of class. I talked to a young girl about 6 years old - she was coloring.

Being left here alone has only one advantage that I can see - well 2 - but indirectly. It is that I can sleep in tomorrow. It seems like a year since I was able to do this. I probably will wake up at 9:00 because of the silence. It's almost demanding. I listened to Suzanne Vega this morning before heading off to get the bus. Both these experiences were new to me. I planned to stay all day working at shop, welding, but as always goes, the shop closed at 5:00 today, because it's Friday. Oh well. I was doing quite well. Before I went to work, I sat in a comfortable chair and ate lunch as I started reading The Art of Motorcycle Maintenance. It's a great book. I read the intro and the first two chapters. I found it very interesting. He said that he considers the past to be laid out before us and the future behind. He's right. It all makes sense. Cris's talking helps the ideas enter more smoothly.

Well, in shop, I was doing quite well after my first two braisings. I really started cooking - it was all working out. I started to manufacture the hinges for my egg tube, which I found. The second time I started towards the shears for cutting, I had to move a garbage can to gain access because John was in the way. I let my thumb slide along the inside edge. PAIN! I grabbed John's shirt back and said, "Ouch, ouch, ouch", still not looking at my hand. Then I looked. Oh shit, I sliced my thumb real good about 2-1/2 inches long and 1/4 inch deep. Calmly, as always is my reaction, I applied pressure to my wound with my index finger and walked over to get some first aid. Well, the teacher (the wood shop guy) didn't realize the extent of my injury (probably because I was so calm). I asked for butterfly sutures - they had none so he gave me some tape and gauze and sent me off to the bathroom to bandage myself. I tried - no success. Chuckie was in the wood shop, so I asked her if she could help me. She cordially agreed - though not bandaging quite as tightly as I wished. I took a half hour break to let my fresh wound coagulate a bit. After I got back, my work was going well for awhile, but then I started my bandage briefly on fire with the blow torch - but I survived. I am going back tomorrow to finish what I can.

I was going to go to Bonita's film tonight, but I had no heart to wait around for 2-1/2 hours for it to start so I just went home. 18-21-14 buses. Tomorrow I plan to go to Laurie Anderson's movie with Sarah.

I remember that Cris took the kids to Wisconsin to stay with Lynne. She was one of Cris's platonic relationships - but then maybe there was a voyeuristic quality about it. She lived in the woods - in a small trailer with no running water. She was an alcoholic and a hippie. She had lived next door to us in Bayport and had had a child with her husband Miles in March asfter Aja was born. 

Lynne liked to garden nude. Her young daughter, Nicollet, also ran about naked. Aja and Nicollet would have been about 5 years old - rounding up on 6 years. I am not certain that that wasn't the reason Cris found visiting them so enjoyable. The more my friend discusses things that I write in this blog, the stranger Cris seemed in relation to pedophilia. Aja related a disturbing story about when she was 5 years old and very shy. The bath was running, and Aja was hiding behind the door, wrapped in a towel. Cris opened the door, it was obvious that Aja did not want to be seen either before, during nor after her bath. She told me that Cris said, "I am your father. I can see you naked any time I want."

The scary thing is - I would have never noticed. I am so involved with my inner thoughts that I seldom give a thought to others. I would think that having an Aspergian wife would give someone the heads up on being a child molester. I know in my heart of hearts, none of these thoughts have ever crossed my mind until I started writing the journals and discussing them.

Again - this is the Theory of Mind stuff that is underdeveloped in an Aspergian. I did not mean to ignore my children. They just kind of were "there". I could tell when they were bored, because they whined. I could tell they were hungry, because they had regularly scheduled mealtimes and snacks. I could tell they were tired, because they took a bath as the sun started to set and then we read books. Sometimes they would tell me they were sick, but I never believed them. I let Aja suffer with Strep turned Scarlet Fever for over a month. They have lots of stories to tell about how I never believed their illnesses. But for me to have not noticed that Cris was grooming our daughter as his plaything? The thought never has crossed my mind until now, as I said, and when it was said, I had this feeling in the pit of my stomach, "Ick... did I miss this?"

He said, "I use my brain halves to the most extreme separation."

September 10, 1986

Two weeks of school have past and I am getting used to it. The house is falling apart a bit, but I throw it together when I have the time. I have just tons of classes and from each a monstrous amount of work - 16 hour grids for visual studies - compositions for english - about 50 pages of reading for art history - 20 pages for humanities - a wooden toy for shop - buy a roll of film for lens media...on and on. I started a 3 hour drawing of Cris - did his face fantastically, then moved on to his hand and he moved on to his hand and he moved and rearranged everything so I couldn't continue. I applied for work study - probably won't get a job - but it's worth a try - money is really a problem to grapple with.

Cris is enjoying watching the kids. He does have a bit of trouble with ianthe - but she is just a baby and it was hard even for me to remember just what to do with a baby.

September 15, 1986

Sitting up so high in the fourth floor by the window. I can see Ann's dorm. I like Ann. When I first saw her I thought, "Oh God, She looks just like Char - gross." Not because she is ugly but because of association. I can also see the tower that is on the same block as Cris' apartment.

I try to talk to him and see what it all means to his life - but he is just so strange. He said last night that he realizes that he is using his brain halves to the most extreme separation. That he is extremely logical - philosophical and life in general - and when he does his art he is extremely emotional. There is no middle ground for him. Maybe he can only express himself through his art. There might be a way to blend things. Maybe he could tell me how he feels e.g. answer my questions through art.

I really ought to give it a try. Anything just to keep from stagnating in our relationship. I must keep it alive, changing, vibrant not only for Cris, but for myself so I do not go crazy.

Escape - that is what we desire but we are bound by circumstances. I don't think that it is as heartless as all that but it just touches the surface of how we all must feel. Cris said, "I hope that, someday we'll live in a world without love".

Love after all is just a feeling - it is not a state of being - you cannot be in love anymore than you can be in happy or in sad. Love is the feeling you get when someone is important to you - without strings attached. That is the important part - without strings or rules. I want rules but really it's all just a matter of respecting the other person's being. Love is more common feeling than people realize - it's their dependency that most people label as being love - but I can feel love with Ann or Sara or Peter for that matter. You know when something feels good. You wouldn't go out of your way to hurt others whom you feel close to, now, would you?

I ran out and bought a second "Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome" by Tony Attwood today. My first copy is in ruins, having been paged through and page worn by my three children. Aja said that the others would be relieved, that they were frightened to give it back to me in the condition it is in. I love books. I don't think you understand my love of the physical book by that simple statement. I really love books. I take great care of them. I try never to crease their bindings. Upon purchasing a softback book, I condition the spine by opening up the book, first 25 pages from the front, carefully press open holding the book spine to table. Open the last 25 pages, press them to the table, repeat from the front until you have reached the middle. Never fold a page corner to mark your place. That would be a terrible thing to do. Never place an open book face down and open upon a table to mark your spot. Make sure your hands are clean and dry. Do not sneeze into your book. I have many Book Rules. 

When I first started dating Anthony, I wanted to give him a special book to read. It is Sombrero Fallout: A Japanese Novel by Richard Brautigan. It is an out-of-print book by my favorite author. Actually, Ianthe is named after him in a circular way. His daughter is named Ianthe - that is where the name came from. So, wanting to offer a favorite book to my wonderful friend, I proffered my treasure to him in a zip-lock bag, along with a long list of instructions for its care. Anthony accepted my gift, but later returned it unread. He never dared to open the baggy. 

Maybe it is a good thing that I am planning to take up my studies again, starting with a Masters in Library Science and Information Systems (that makes my heart sing - lol) and if I still dream it, continue my studies with a Doctorate in Archival Studies. 

Books, Books, Books, lovely books, they are my friends and have helped me understand the world. I know I digressed with my book story, away from my original thought: which is an explanation about what I was thinking when Cris was confusing me with his talk about how he was using his brain. I was fascinated. 

At the time I was reading books about how to mend a broken relationships - that confounded me. I had three babies and an absent husband - one that told me that he would never divorce me, but that he would never be back. I used the advice from my relationship book. I told him that he was free. He could do what he wanted and I would still be there for him, unconditionally. Well, you can guess how well that worked out. As the next few days of this blog unfold, I will sway back and forth in confusion. Thinking "What the Hell is Going On?"

Who would have thought that people don't think exactly like me?! Or not know exactly what I want from them?! I kid, but before October or November of last year, the thought NEVER occurred to me. Hard to believe for an NT (neuro-typical), but true. Evidence of my under-developed Theory of Mind is found in the "we" statements I make in this and several entries about how "we" must feel or think. From Tony Attwood's book on Theory of Mind (ToM), which Absolutely Fascinates Me (page 120):

...due to the differences and nature of ToM abilities in the cognitive development of children with Asperger's Syndrome, they may develop a different form of self-consciousness. The child may acquire ToM abilities using intelligence and experience rather than intuition, which can eventually lead to an alternative form of self-consciousness as the child reflects on his/her own mental state and the mental state of others. This highly reflective and explicit self-consciousness has been described as similar to that of philosophers...

Now, considering the fact that I had grown up with a sociopath, I did not have the highest quality of input with which to develop the ability to recognize and understand the thoughts, beliefs, desires and intentions of others in order to make sense of their behavior and predict what they are going to do next (these are the concepts that Theory of Mind entails).

I had met Cris, three months into my 17th year. I had graduated high school at 16, and my social life was extremely controlled as a child and teen. I am 24 at the time of this entry. I had spent seven years with Cris, being told that it was "I" that was the crazy one; "I" after all, had been diagnosed as a paranoid schizophrenic (he claimed, discounting my research and study, not to mention I was FAKING it). Seven years of developing my Theory of Mind using a narcissistic sociopath as a model of human behavior. No wonder people are frightened of me at first!

1. GO FOR HELP

2. Make your own recovery the first priority in your life

I have done this in these means:

• re-evaluated my goals and expectations for myself and am trying to achieve.
• Asserted my wishes to work, now must follow through.
• Am becoming more selfish - guarded about my time - not saying yes to people I don't care about.
• Trying to accept criticism - especially when it hurts - because it probably is correct - try to change.
• Eagerly am looking for ways of things that will help me, not others, for once!

3. Find a support group of peers who understand

• Call: Psychologists
• Look under "Human Services" community crisis hot line
  

4. Develop your spiritual side through daily practice

• I would like to learn about hypnosis and yogi/meditation. I should get a book from the library on these subjects.
• I have been using affirmations.
  
  • Sue, I love you and accept you exactly the way you are.
  • I am free of pain, anger and fear. I enjoy perfect peace and well-being.
  • I every aspect of my life, I am guided to my highest happiness and fulfillment
  • All problems and struggles now fade away: I am serene.
  • The perfect solution for every problem is now manifest. I am free and filled with light.
  • All things are possible through love. Love is working through me to heal me and strengthen me, to calm me to peace.
  • I release all the pain of the past and welcome the health, joy and success that are mine to claim.

5. Stop managing and controlling others

6. Learn not to get hooked into games

It is very hard not to do this. I want to help and shelter Cris. He recognizes this and stops me but I should stop myself.

Game #1
Cris: I do all the work (martyr).
Sue: I'll do it all next time.

Game #2
Cris: I don't want sex if you force me into it.
Sue: I will remember next time, but...

Game #3
Sue: Cris, get out of bed.
Cris: In a little while (falls back to sleep).
Sue: (Angry) Cris, Get Up!
Cris: (Angry) I will. Leave me alone.

Game #4
Cris: I am going out for awhile
Sue: I wish you'd stay with me.
Cris: I feel guilty.
Sue: Don't, go out, have fun.

See Sue? You can recognize the games. Now Stop Playing Them!

7. Courageously face your own problems and shortcomings

8. Cultivate whatever needs to be developed in yourself

Books to read:

• Love and Addiction by Stanton Peele
• Love and Limerance by Dorothy Tennov
• The Art of Selfishness by David Seabury
• The Dynamic Laws of Prosperity by Catherine Ponder

9. Become selfish

10. Share with others what you have experienced and learned

Characteristics of Relationally addicted Women

• Obsessed with relationship
• Denying the extent of the problem
• Lying to cover what is happening in the relationship
• Avoiding people to hide problems with relationship
• Repeated attempts to control the relationship
• Unexplained mood swings
• Anger, depression, guilt
• Resentment
• Irrational acts
• Violence
• Accidents due to preoccupation
• Self-hate of self-justification
• Physical illness due to stress-related diseases

Characteristics of Recovery

• Admitting helplessness to control disease
• Ceasing to blame others for problems
• Focusing on self, taking responsibility for own actions
• Seeking help for recovery from peers
• Beginning to deal with own feelings rather than avoiding them
• Building a circle of well friends, healthy interests

Self-analysis by Karen Horney
Main characteristics
1. The neurotic need for

I like how my journal entry ends mid-sentence. I could laugh at this whole post if I wasn't so repulsed by it. This boring entry was obviously gleaned from a library book on being co-dependent. Just like my second blog entry , I am using my intellect to puzzle out my place in the world. This is a common Aspergian trait. Having to intellectualize "normal" behavior because it is not second nature to us.

One of my "special interests" was schizophrenia. I started researching it in junior high school after reading Sybil. I was fascinated by her mother's catatonic schizophrenia. I read every book in the library and then started devouring my dad's medical texts and journals.

After I had gotten the symptoms memorized, I began to practice. I liked to sit motionless downstairs on the couch staring at the small weaving hanging near the fireplace. I tried to sit as still as possible; blink as little as possible. I still can sit very still. I like to sit motionless, staring straight ahead, in fact, I amuse myself by sitting still for long periods.

My ability to mimic the symptoms of schizophrenia convinced a psychiatrist that I actually had the disease. As a teen, I was proud of that. It was proof that my research had paid off. As I became more involved with Cris, my inability to put myself in the mind of others caused me to "brag" about the diagnosis without explaining all the research that went into it. I don't believe that Cris really understood that I wasn't schizophrenic. He kept telling me I was insane. It was one of the ways he controlled me.

Since my Asperger's diagnosis, I realize that I don't see the forest because all the trees get in the way. I do not have a well developed Theory of Mind. I have only just started to understand that others have beliefs, desires and intentions that are different from mine. All the research I have done in my life never brought me the comfort that my Asperger's diagnosis has.

Throughout my twenties and mid-thirties, I was looking for a reason for why I felt so out of place in the world. In this entry, my new reason was co-dependency. The idea that I was co-dependent was comforting, while I read, and took notes. As a young mother of three, with a cheating, abusive husband, I was desperately trying to find the reason that I continued to stay with a philandering man. I didn't know my undiagnosed Asperger's was telling me to stay because I don't want anything to change.

Change is scary! I hate deviation from my routine. I am hesitant to make any changes. I consider getting together with friends to be a deviation from my schedule. Changes to my routine cause me to become exhausted. I am over-stimulated by being on-my-toes, monitoring my behavior, hoping I don't make too terrible a mistake.

My family has known me all my life, so they are not at all surprised by my ability to dominate a conversation. My family includes a couple other undiagnosed Aspergians, so we are pretty good at wrestling the conversation from one to the next without thinking about it as odd. My mom and dad had a rule when we were growing up that at the dinner table we could each speak in turn, the eldest (non-Aspergian), would go last. He could talk the tail off a brass monkey - he still can! My parents let him have all the time that was left after the five of us had had our say.

My husband's family however, has only known me for 12 years. So they are stunned when I railroad a conversation at a family gathering. I will sit in silence, staring at my plate, bored by their conversation until someone says something that interests me. I will look up and launch into a diatribe about subject, talking loudly over anyone who dare interrupt me or attempt to voice an opinion. I can see it happening. I cannot stop myself. I have the nicest in-laws ever. They love me even if I can bring a pleasant conversation to a standstill.

Since my diagnosis, my dear husband Anthony, has helped stop my overbearing conversational technique during family dinners. He helps me stop. He is my sea of calm. I love him so very much for the support he gives me.