Friday, March 26, 2010

It is very high pitched too! It drives me nuts!

February 3, 1982

Aja never shuts up now-a-days. She mumbo jumbo's all the time. She is just beginning to learn some words like doggie and kittie (sic). She says kitty without the "K" and a very guttural doggy like daddy in a way but she knows the difference. She goes "auf" when she hears us talking about dogs or when she sees pictures of them. And when she wants something (Anything) she says "Muh" and points in the direction of her wishes whatever they may be. And it is very high pitched too! It drives me nuts! I wish she would learn the words but it will take some time.

She is just beginning to run. Which is difficult if you think about it. We chase her all over and she laughs! It is a fun game. I wish it were spring. I can't wait until this winter is over. I want to go to the parks and play outside and things but it is so cold out that we can't and it takes 10 minutes to dress Aja to go anywhere.

It became a law on the first of the year that babies have to ride in car-seats. Aja just loves hers. It is one that we pulled out of the garbage at Laurel Street. Randy and Bonita threw it out, all it needed was a head pad and fixing the pad going around the front. No problem. It works good too. Aja used it as a highchair for quite a while while she was prone to climb. Her highchair tray would rust her food because the paint had rubbed off, but recently we spray painted it and last night Aja and I gave it a bath and it looks really nice!

It has been difficult to record these early writings, Nineteen years old, still a baby myself.I am annoyed by my use of exclamation points! But I use - hyphens - all the - time - in my later writings - and still today. It is like the hyphen is my favorite key on the keyboard.

I am embarrassed by the way I speak of my daughter, how candidly I discuss being annoyed. I actually remember Aja's squeal. It did hurt my ears. High pitched or sudden noises frighten me and hurt me. That is an Asperger's thing. That doesn't excuse my lack of sympathy for my poor tiny daughter. It appears my Theory of Mind did not expand to include my baby's separateness from me.

I am embarrassed by my poverty. I am confused about the car-seat mention. I had a small gray car-seat when I brought Aja home from the hospital. Maybe I didn't have a larger one - a front facing one. I used duct tape to fix the head rest on the dumpster baby-seat. The highchair was given to me by my parents. They gave me my cradle, crib, highchair and rocking chair. They were all the same ones that I used. I had all second hand things. The ladies that I worked with at the Daycare Center threw me a shower and gave me their old baby clothes. I tie-dyed the stained t-shirts and onesies to hide the stains. They actually looked pretty cool. 

I worked at a Daycare in Stillwater. it was a special program where the state pays your wage, while the company benefits from your service. The purpose is to pay for your training in period - or up to a year - and then the company hires you. The daycare did not hire me when the year was up. They instead replaced me with a new employee. I never understood why. As I think of it now, I bet that I was not the best worker, nor was I the best daycare giver. I really am annoyed by small children. I hate how they jump around and ask a lot of questions and hang on you. I just want people around me to sit still and make noise only when necessary. 

I am very tolerant of my grandchildren though. I am much kinder to them than any other children. I tend to correct the behavior of children in public: scold at teens when they are acting up, chide whining children, ignore snotty toddlers. Although I have a much longer fuse when my grandchildren are concerned, I do still get annoyed by them at times. My husband and ianthe sometimes correct my behavior. I sometimes make the situation worse. Like grabbing toys away from Lil Miss Danger before she can grab it from her brother, stuff like that. I do things like that to the cats too, but the cats know to scratch or bite me to get away.

I see how awesome my youngest daughter ianthe is at being a mom. She was several years older before she decided to become a mother. She struggles with some of the same issues I have had, but she is so much more graceful than I am. She is such a nicer person than I ever was, than I ever am.


  1. Don't be so hard on yourself... I agree that Ianthe is a terrific mother, but you were pretty good too. I wouldn't be the person I am with out you. Keep reflecting, I can see how much you're growing and finally beginning to fit into your own skin.

  2. love reading these journeys, very powerful, perhaps healing

  3. I have to smile Susan. You are always so quick to judge yourself. When I read that the daycare center did not hire you, I smiled. Your first reaction was that you had not done a good job - yet you had been there a whole year. My first reaction was, of course they did not hire her, they could get a new person from the program and not have to actually pay anyone for another year.

    Every mother struggles and I think more of your reactions were perfectly normal than you think. Look at the wondrous children you have. You must have done a lot right, too.

  4. It's funny how you say I am a good mother and am so much more "graceful" then yourself. But you don't see me cringe too. lol, you say yourself that you were embarrassed. Well I am too. :p At the same time as shuddering off the shrill screeches I can on a good day ask them kindly what it is they are really trying to communicate to me... or on a bad day I can strongly speak bad to them with my wide crazy eyed stare and say something back at them while the response which hasn't changed goes in straight through my forehead which wasn't listening and out the top of my head because I don't care what they want I just want the noise to stop and to be left the hell alone. Don't .... touch... me. or speak. please.

    BUT I LOVE THEM! And I treat them right.

    "I love you but I have to go away" - some song that if I talk to Harrison for long enough I could (he could) figure out what band/song it was.