Sunday, April 25, 2010

I have no self - no "I" - that I can claim to be my own

I have no self - no "I" - that I can claim to be my own. I feel the need to define it. It is necessary to me as an individual and in order to grow.

What I was...
I was born 5th in a family of 6.
The 3rd of 4 girls.
The girls older than me were ideal-types.
I lost my mother to a younger sister.
My father became mine - although he really wasn't enough.
I tried desperately as a child to gain my parents love - but I never seemed to get it.
Cris has taken my parents role in my fight to win unconditional love.
Cris, like my parents, will never give me the love I seek. The love I want has vanished. There is no way for me to regain the lost love.
I have things that are mine alone. I stole them from others.
      Good Susan
      I learned easily in school.
      Funny - I can't think of anything else to label "good Susan".

      Bad Susan
      I've always thought of myself as "bad". Cindy and Julie were my opposites. Cindy being directly opposite and Julie was more of a hybrid of us, but closer to Cindy than to me.

      Anne doesn't fit into my scale. She has totally different viewpoints. I cannot relate to her at all.

      Sexual Feelings
      Doing socially unacceptable things
      Slut behavior as teenager
      Easily aroused - selfishness
      Knew/know I don't want to be "caught"
        Eaves Dropping
        Listening to others conversations
        Reading (Cris's) letters/journals/anything
        Going out of my way to watch
        Coming up with fanciful interpretations
          Gathering information and then altering plans
          Going out of my way (Mileage, financially)
          Generally deceitful and sneaky
            Make too many plans
            Never motivated
            All energy spent on above behavior
            Just don't care about some things
              What I can become...
              a poor welfare mother - totally dependent either on welfare or husband.
              a film maker - camera person. Unattached, full of energy.
              a school teacher - teaching video. Full of ideas and encouragement.
              a clothing designer - working for a Minneapolis pattern maker.
              a doctor - dedicated to helping the poor. Also good family member.
              a researcher - looking for secrets - working for a Noble prize.
              a medical reformer. Changing the U.S. into a socialized public health plan.
                If I can rid myself of dependence I could be very successful.

                Where do my values lie?

                I think it best to only have one lover at a time.
                I think it is OK to be kinky - but only with someone you know very well.
                It is not OK to talk about sexual happenings with people not directly involved.
                Love and Sex seem very caught up with one another.

                Where am I going wrong?
                When I have sex I want to be satisfied (I'm very selfish).
                I feel lost and at one with the world - my boundaries fall down when I have an orgasm. This is my symbiosis experience hence sexual activity is very important to me. This is one area that I might be able to change from a negative to a positive. But it will take lots of work.

                Things I am not good at (but do anyway)
                • I am not an artist.
                • I am not a philosopher.
                • I don't enjoy "reading into" things.
                • I am not into occult religion.
                • I am not the best photographer.
                • I am not good at "hanging out".
                Eavesdropping and playing private eye goes against my better judgment.


                I find it very interesting to read this "self-evaluation" of my 24 year old self. As an older version of this person, I see how similar and how different we are. I was very concerned with my "sexual" behavior - that is very clear in this assessment. I wondered out loud about the statement that I made about wanting to be (sexually) "satisfied". Could it be that Cris taught me that it was a selfish desire on my part? (But of course not on his...) Humans are sexual beings after all. 

                I am surprised by how much I haven't changed. I still analyze the heck out of my actions, except now I do it in my head, or muttering to myself, or discussing possibilities with my cats. 

                In the section titled "What I can become": I like to edit movies - especially my grand kids. I am a teacher. I do teach video. I still love to sew and design things. I have a business license for LeetLootz - so if I suddenly decide to sell my creations, I am ready to go. I am interested in a career change - to become a researcher of sorts - an Archivist - discovering new things. I am an active member of Organizing for America - I sent several letters to congressmen, made interesting posts to compel others to press for Health care reform. I even had a half hour discussion with one of John Kline's staff, explaining my views to him. I believe I made a compelling argument. 

                So out of my "list of what I could become", Out of seven possibilities, I have become (or still want to become) FIVE of them. I am actually amazed at my insight into my core  being.

                The list of "Things I am not good at (but do anyways)": I agree with the list of things I still despise. After my bone marrow transplant that I had to celebrate my 30th birthday (oh - and to save my life from Hodgekin's Lymphoma), I stopped pretending. The only thing on the list that I still do, begrudgingly, is "hang out", although there has to be a compelling reason to do so.

                Only one more thing to address. I say that I cannot relate to my sister Anne at all. I can now. I couldn't when I was younger. She is very critical and judgmental. After I accepted her judgment, we got along. She was my best friend growing up. I played with her all the time. Actually, we played "next" to each other - parallel play - a signature of Aspergians. After my diagnosis, and learning what parts of my personality are Asperger effects, I turned the lens outwards, towards my family. I believe that out of the six children my parents had, three of us are Aspergians, my younger sister and the younger of my brothers. I have three children. I believe all three have Asperger's Disorder. One of them has just received a positive diagnosis.

                Welcome to Team Awesome, Banana Pan!

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