Monday, April 5, 2010

I'm like losing my mind

January 17, 1986

I bought a Karman Ghia today, Wow!

It looked like this - very impracticable for a mom with three kids...

March 11, 1986

Well, I figured it's finally over, it didn't end the way I wanted either. Cris is sleeping with yet another girl friend. He is really a massive asshole. I am really in a mess. I am very depressed. I have zillions of things to do. I can't stand watching the kids anymore. I need a break. I wish I were desperately in love with someone. Here I am again, looking for Prince Charming. I really thought Cris was him. I was wrong.

March 14, 1986

Me, I'm getting pretty strange. I desperately need to rid myself of Cris but it's like I'm on a wild roller coaster, going quickly up and down and up. It is more and more extreme. I'm like losing my mind. Like I demand honesty from Cris, total honesty, yet I am not being very honest myself.

I want to see this new girlfriend Sarah. Char, Sarah, who else?

I really want to kill Cris. He almost killed himself the other night. While I was at home. I was thinking, wow, Cris is hanging himself right now, dangling and twirling in  death. I imagined burning his body until it no longer exists and no funeral but a memorial and not letting Char or Sarah enter even if I had to kill them to keep them away and screaming "You killed my husband!" When in all actuality, I was the one who drove him to it. All me, All Cris with all our heart hell bent on destroying him/self. I am the cause, I cannot let him go - I just can't, but I know I must. I have to. It would be for the best - best for me, best for Cris, best for the kids. I just don't think what damage all this is doing to them. Cris shouting at them in the middle of the night "Anybody seen the drain plug?" God!

Me, I just am so preoccupied, telling them to go away and leave me alone. If I wasn't so obsessed with Cris, I could get on with my life, start my business, go to school, meet someone special, and be happy again. Hopefully not because I met someone - but  happy because I'm at peace with myself. And that's what I want and long for myself - to be at peace - Happy. This feeling right now is hell. I am just like a big scrape on your knuckle, all red and bleeding. Then it gets all shiny and full of puss and then it scabs over and finally gets better. Well, I am that scrape at the shiny, pussy stage - and I keep bumping it and letting it bleed again and in order to scab over I must get rid of Cris. Like really looking out and not looking to get hurt again - like staying with Cris and letting him hurt me so deeply without any consequences and when I do break with him he tries to kill himself - pretty clever way to win me back and just saying enough to make me think that you might at sometime in the indefinite future you just might maybe stop sleeping with other women.

I believe that my low self-esteem was an off-shoot of my Asperger's. I have a hard time maintaining my train of thought when discussing extremely emotionally charged issues. I also believe that, although most people would have trouble dealing with the revelation that their cheating husband has continued to cheat, I was having particular trouble. I really do not have a large "emotional vocabulary" - I tend to paint my emotions with broad strokes - extremes from sad to angry. I also flash between emotions rapidly, angry one minute, happy the next. 

When I confronted Cris with the knowledge of his affair in July of 1985, I was 7 months pregnant - hormones already causing the normal mood swings. I was plunged into despair. I remember considering asking my sister Cindy to adopt my child. I was angry and frightened. I had never drank during a pregnancy before, I am ashamed to say I drank 2 or 3 drinks on 2 separate occasions in the month before ianthe was born. I have always kept this a secret. I think I smoked a couple of times too. I was suffering from moderate persistent depression in the months before and following ianthe's birth. It is common for people with Asperger's to suffer from depression. I had two or three reasons to be depressed: the cheating, the humiliation, the new fresh hell that Cris brought every week into my world.

What a cruel and insensitive man. He is as insensitive today as he was in 1985. Aja showed me a picture of when she was a tiny baby. It was from her father's high school graduation. I commented about how cute she was. She said that her grandmother had given her a bag of old photos; that photo had been included. Indeed? After our divorce, I had sorted through our family photos, choosing photos for Cris. I believed that he would want, even deserved, photos of the children. I gave him nearly a third of the photos, including every important event in the kids' lifetime. I have a nearly photographic memory. This photo was one that I had given away so many years ago. I guess that Cris had not thought the photographs to be quite so important to him as I had imagined.

None of that matters to me anymore. I have grown up with loving people around me that helped me learn coping skills. I am not just a competent woman, I am seen as a leader. I not only have a partner that loves me, but one that thinks that we are partners in life, and who will stand by me as we face challenges head on. 

In a wonderful expression of love Saturday, my lovely husband Anthony, officially adopted all three of our children. It was a wonderful occasion. We were gathered for our grand-daughter's third birthday. The wind was blowing a warm wind. The sun was shining and our hearts were filled with joy. Anthony has been my children's father, handing out advice (and cash) and rides (and hugs) and encouragement (and unconditional love) for the best years of their lives, and he will continue to do so as time moves on. 
 Our happy family - minus the steps!

1 comment:

  1. I am so amazed at the courage it takes to put yourself here all raw and hurting and then to relive it in your commentary. You are many glorious things Susan, and courageous is among the first of the things I see in you and love about you.